Lost my beautiful Mum three months ago

Hello,

I am feeling very upset and angry about the loss of my Mum.

I lost my dad when I was 19 years old to cancer. They were unable to tell us it was cancer until the post-mortem told us. I am glad Dad didn’t know he had it but we never got to say goodbye. That was in Jan 2010 almost 10 years ago now.

Mum found out she had breast cancer in 2014 and beat it. Since 2016 she was feeling unwell and the Drs kept turning her away saying she was fine. In Feb 2019 we found out that she had metastatic breast cancer that had spread to her liver stomach and bones. On the 6th June it spread to her brain and she slowly every day deterioted until she passed away on the 15yh July. I was by her side every single day and stayed with her over nights towards the end. Why do I still feel like I didn’t do enough and could have done more?

I sometimes feel okay then the grief comes up inside me and makes me feel so desperately upset. Why did my mum have to die when I am only 28? Why do people in their 50’s and 60’s still have their parents and sometimes grandparents! (Mine had all died by the time I was 14)

I did that what makes me the most upset is knowing how much my Mum loved me so much and how much she would want to be here with us and counting down to Christmas. I feel like everyday that passes is another day that I will never see my mum again and another day between the last time I got to see her or speak to her.

I just wish my Mum could come back and I know she never can and that is heartbreaking. I have a 12 year old daughter who misses her grandma so much. I now have no parents. I do have a partner but he struggles to understand how I am feeling and it does put a strain on our relationship.

I did take time off at the time but I am now doing a full time degree and man again my preschool full time and I am very tired. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed and sleep forever

Just hoping to talk to someone. thank you

Hi SaraL,

I’m so sorry to read about your losses. I completely understand and feel the same way as you do about life.
My dad died of a sudden heart attack when I was 27 and he was 53. I was devastated but together, my mum and I got through it. I also have a 12 year old daughter who i brought up alone with the fantastic help and support of my mum.
4 months ago my mum went into hospital for an overnight stay for a routine operation. For reasons unknown my mum suffered a catastrophic brain hemorrhage in the recovery room and died the following day.
The post mortem also told us that mum had advanced heart disease of which we knew nothing. Like you, I’m pleased mum knew nothing about this but it doesnt take away the fact that she has gone, in the blink of an eye and my daughter and I are just getting through each day as best as we can.
Thinking of you. Life is so terribly cruel.
I look around at people in their 80s and 90s and wonder my mum who was a spritely and funny 74 year old had to be taken away. I honestly thought I would have her till she was 90.
I am 48, so older than you but I dont think that matters. I have felt like an orphaned child since mum passed x

Hi Sara

Sorry to hear about your mum. My circumstances are similar to yours - both my parents have passed away and I have just turned 30. I get annoyed/upset/angry when I see people in their 40’s etc still with parents - although I try not to be bitter sometimes it’s hard.

My dad died when I was young and my mum more recently 7 months ago. Like you said, she absolutely lived for me and my little boy and we had so many plans and holidays for the rest of the year which have all now been cut short. When she was in hospital she told me she didn’t want to die and that haunts me everyday.

How long did you take off work and do you think you could do with more time off? Maybe you could speak to your GP and see if you can get some extra time off? 3 months is still so soon and you will still be coming to terms with it, especially with a child who is also grieving. It’s a lot on your plate so be kind to yourself - scream shout and cry if that’s what you need to do. You can always message me if you want to chat

Hello,

That sounds so hard with your Dad passing of a heart attack. Like you my mum and I got through Dad’s death together.

It also sounds awful that your mum
Passed away in the hopsital so suddenly. I have written to the health centre and complained as they never picked up that mum was ill. Like you said getting through each day as best i can and then something reminds me of her and it’s like a stab in the heart that takes my breath away. I am dreading Christmas so much mum loved that time. I know what you mean about being an orphaned child. It’s just like an emptiness. All the Christmas adverts will no doubt be showing the perfect families with the mum and dad and that will make me sad. One thing I do a lot is think about all of the good family times we had together. I also beat myself up that I didn’t hug mum more or tell her that I loved her more. Xx

Hello Tasha,

Thank you it sounds like your circumstances are very similar to mine. My mum really wanted to go on a cruise and she was desperate for us to go on a spa weekend. We had it booked in for the weekend when the cancer spread to her brain. I am having so many regrets of saying I was busy and putting things off. I know I can’t turn back time so I try not to think of that. My mum said something similar, when they told her they couldn’t do anything more for her she said can you save me? And that haunts me to this day. I know she didn’t want to go but she did have her faith and believed she was going to Heavan which was nice to know she thought that. I took four full weeks and two half weeks and the five week summer break so I did get a lot of time off. Thank you xx

Hi sara if your name wasnt at the top of this i would of swore i had wrote it. Im feeling exactly the same. I loat my mam in april and she was my best friend there wasnt a day that we wernt together, the guilt of thinkin u havent done enough eat u up inside regardless of what people
Say. Ive come to realize that it doesnt matter how much we do for our parents, to us it will never seem enough. U will always feel like u could have done more. Im still looking for answers and reasons. Why my mam, why not that old lady down the road, its awful to feel like that but grief does that. I too have kids that want there grandma home. And people say with time it gets easier, me personally every day goes by it gets eorse cos thats another day ive had to spend living without her and seeing her face and my hubby just doesnt understand. Ive also come to realize that no matter how many people are there for you, grieving is a lonely road which only we can walk ourselves for most part. When we grieve we over think everything. The what ifs, the why and the overwhelming feeling of trying to fix it all and bring her back when reality smacks you in the face and you realize u cant fix it u have to learn to livw with how life is. I feel your pain immensly and im sorry ur feeling like this, i dont have ur answers and i wont tell you it gets easier because it doesnt but i do want to say ur not the only 1 that feels this way and venting to people is good, keep ur mams memory alive and do her proud. Im here if you need to vent. Big hugs xxx

Everything you feel, I feel too. I just cant believe it has happened and its 5 months next week.
I have so much sadness, so many regrets and still, so much shock that she was taken away so suddenly. She was supposed to be home recovering the following day and for that, I dont mind admitting i am bitter and angry x

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Hi emma

What happened with your mum? Everything you have written us exactly how I feel too. The feelings, the guilt, the rushing I had done more even though i already did so much for her and with her. I think for me, its the shock of her sudden departure that i just cant come to terms with x

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Yeah my mam also died suddenly, although we knew she was terminal, my mam had lung cancer. If the docs hadnt of told us we wouldnt have known. “Mam kept telling them but im not ill i feel fine and ur telling me im dying” they told her she had months to live on the wednesday and on the tues after she rang as said can u come over (she lived 5 doors away) as she didnt feel right, i got the doc and he said a heart attack was imminent and that he could help, but mam said id rather die quickly than suffer of cancer, low and behold 5 hours later after a quick degrading of her health she died in my arms on the bed, she told me she was sorry she was puttin me thru this and that she will miss me. And then closed her eyes. She was my best friend not a day went by that we disnt spend together. So i get how ur feeling. Had my mam lived to a hundred it still wouldnt have been enough time for me. As most people would agree. The pain never eases and im 6 months in and it still knocks me off my feet.

Sorry for your loss emma. I’m 5 months in and things arent getting better. Christmas is making things worse as well. I cant imagine the festive period without her. That’s a lovely photo you have on your profile.
Cheryl x

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Hi cheryl, I think we r going thru the same emotions. Someone told me the firsts are alway the worst, i ive gone with the notion that if i get thru them as quick as possible without fuss or aknowlegement then its got to be easier, not sure how it gunna work with xmas tho as kids and family obvs still want to celebrate, Xmas is a very big traditional thing in our house and with my mam not there i dont want to do it. The stress of the build up is awful. Xmas shoppin on my own this year is horrific, i shud be havin a shopping day and a coffee with mam while doing it. Instead im walkin the isles on my own. Preppin xmas dinner was mine and mams thing in the kitchen with a glass of wine, gotta do it alone this year. The whole situation is shite. How do we get around it im not sure and i feel for you i really do. Maybe just for this year its ok to not be ok at xmas?! Im not sure. Maybe include ur mam some way, still write her the xmas card u usually do and put it on her resting place of even in a memory box of missed moments. I hope ur find ur coping mechanism. Sending hugs to you x
Emma x

Thanks emma. Funny enough, I’m not actually nervous about the day itself. I will have a drink on the go and watch my daughter opening presents etc.
It’s the build up like you just said, the walking down the aisles on my own, no presents to buy for my mum etc.
I’m dreading doing the decorations in 2 weeks. I left my mum and daughter to go them every year. Now I’ve got to make this a nice Christmas for my daughter and like you said, get through it as quickly as possible x

Just my partner and I this Christmas. It’s going to feel empty. I might even get Christmas cards done early, as it think festival stuff is going to be very difficult. Christmas music brings me to tears.

I’m trying to desensitise myself and am playing constant Xmas music. Last week I couldn’t bear it. Now I’m a bit better when i hear a Xmas tune. I decided if I overplay the Xmas tunes I’ll just be sick of them rather than an emotional wreck. I have spent the weekend with my dad and stayed at their house. First time I have managed to go to the house. Cried our eyes out all weekend. But loved being with my daddy. As I left I shouted out “bye mum”. The silence was deafening. My heart physically hurts.

Joules,
That’s a good idea with the music. I make a point if walking in mums living room and bedroom in a bid to desensitise myself too. I have changed her curtains her cushions,removed her photos and put different candles in there. It doesnt matter what I do it’s still her living room and she should be in it.
I’m avoiding xmas music and I know I cant do that forever so I will just try to embrace it I think. Yesterday we went for a pub lunch and the second I walked in k was bombarded with xmas trees and lights. I just had to put up with it and have a nice lunch. A couple of large pinots helped.i thought of you x

Prior, to Mum’s funeral i pinned the service sheet to a wall, so I’d get used to seeing it. I was just trying to desensitize myself, so I wouldn’t totally loose it. I’ve got large photos lying around the house. I look at them at they, bring me to tears several times a day. No idea of I should keep them out or put them away. My grief seems to come in waves. There are times in the day where it feels like it has totally broken me. Plus, a so called friend has been so very inconsiderate, with their facebook posts. The truth is, as a poster said we all have to face grief sometime. I have no real close family left, not brothers and sisters or children. The reality of it all has come crashing down. My little family unit has not gone and I miss them desperately. I am grateful, however for what I have left a partner, who’s trying to deal with my grief.

Hi daffy
I cant stand facebook anymore now mum has gone. Occasionally a family member will post a picture of mum on there and I hate it because it takes me by surprise. I barely look anymore.
I used to have a photo of my mum as my lock screen photo but i removed it and put my daughter there instead. It feels awful but I’m just avoiding the upset i suppose. My mum had several photos up in her living room and I have taken them down. There is now just a wedding photo of my mum and dad that she used to keep by her bedside.
I think I get through most days pretending all this hasnt happened because it’s still possible to shock me numerous times a day when I realise she is dead,gone forever.
There is just my sister and I left now, and although we arent close we do make an effort to meet for a coffee or a drink every few weeks. I am also grateful for my partner and daughter because without them I dont know how i would have come through x