Lost my dad and now completely lost

#1

I lost my dad in March. He died the day before his 66th birthday. It was a very short battle with cancer. I think that’s what makes it all the more difficult to accept, because it was so quick and none of us saw it coming.

He was my world, I idolized him. I’m an only child and feel too young to lose my dad at the age of 34.

Im struggling to think of good times we had because it’s still so painful. I go through periods where I feel OK and numb to the pain and then next it’s like he’s just gone all over again. He had no symptoms right up until the last few days. It’s like one day he was fine and then next he’s gone.

We used to do so much together and I even had the honor of serving alongside him in the army. He was by best mate and a massive part of me died that night with him. I saw him pass in his hospital bed peacefully, which I take some comfort from but weeks on I’m really struggling.

I have a beautiful wife and 2 year old son and Im trying to hold it together for their sake, but I find myself getting angry or moody alot these days. I look at his pictures and it doesn’t seem real still. I’m also trying to hold it all together for my mum who lives 100+ miles from us. She’s all alone but soon to be moving up to us. I hate the thought of her there alone.

At the moment it doesn’t seem like this hole in me will ever be repaired and I wake up every day with the feeling of pure loss and grief.

Thanks for listening

Ady

#2

Hi Andy, I am sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my mum 20 months ago and for me, the grief has been delayed up until recently. I think when your mum gets nearer to you, you will feel a little more comfort in that. The only advice that I can give, is don’t bottle it up. If you feel the need to cry, then cry. I dont know if you have any close friends but if you do, lean on them, that is what friends are for. This has been my problem, not talking and bottling things up and trying to be the strong one for my dad and brother but it eats away at you if you dont let it out. I do find it hard to talk to others so I have decided to start a journal/diary of sorts, to write down my thoughts and feelings to see if this may help me. It is worth a try. Hope this helps a little.

#3

Hi Ady,

Sorry to hear about your dad. I’m currently going through exactly the same thing.

Dad went to hospital with chest pains but other than that seemed healthy. They took bloods and scans and he was finally diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This had spread to his liver which then caused it to shut down. Within 5 weeks of walking into the hospital he passed away.
It happened so quickly that I dont think I have fully processed it yet.

It was a couple of days before fathers day that he died and it would have been his 67th birthday 3 days before his funeral last friday.

Needless to say those two days were awful.

I have been trying to be strong for my family as I am now effectively the head of the family but I, like yourself, need to make sure that this does not stop us from our own grieving.

I agree with Jill in that you need to offload how you are feeling to someone and not bottle it up.
I am looking at the video bereavement counselling as I feel it will be easier to speak to someone away from my family and friends.

Even posting on this forum site may help. Just writing out how you feel.

Knowing that someone is in the same position as me and feeling the same way is some sort of reassurance that I’m not alone.

Just take it one day at a time and as Jill said, don’t bottle it up.

Cheers,
Dan

#4

Thanks Dan and Jill also for your supportive words. Very much the same as your Dad, Dan; he went to the doctors with pains in his chest when he coughed they did bloods and scans and then found a tumour on his lung which they said more than likely was cancerous. More scans shows that it had metastasised to his liver and adrenal gland. 3 weeks to the day that he found out he passed. He hadn’t even begun to talk about any treatment.

As I said before it doesn’t seem real as I was only watching the England v Wales rugby game at Cardiff stadium with him at the end of February and 4 weeks later he was gone. Just way to quick for me to process anything.

I think I’ll have a look at the counciling services too. This is already helping just speaking with you both knowing there are others out there having gone through exactly the same thing.

As Jill said I think I may look at starting a diary of sorts just to get my feelings written down and out my head.

Thank you so much for your support.

1 Like
#5

Hi Ady, the diary is worth a try I think also.
I was the opposite. My mum had a stroke 20 + yes ago which left her unable to talk and limited mobility. We lived on egg shells for all that time, as she had lots of fits at the early stages. Everytime the phone rang, I used to start panicking, thinking it was another phone call from my dad saying that they where on their way to hospital. Living like that for all them yes has seriously made me into the anxious, angry person that I am today as I never let it out. After losing my mum, the frief and all that tension build up over the years has just all come to ahead. Finding a way to channel this is really hard. It is good to know that I have support out there also.
Thanks

#6

Wow Jill I couldn’t imagine having gone through what you have. We say it’s a saving grace that my dad didn’t suffer and didn’t know what was going on during the final day. I would have hated to see him in pain and suffering for months or years on. For that I am truly grateful and can take comfort in knowing that he didn’t suffer. I find when I get anxious or angry now I turn to exercise and it really does help. I’ll get out on my bike or run or just do a workout in the back garden to help ease my mind. I really find exercise helps and I enjoy it thank god so at least I have my escape. Would be good for you if you found something you can use release your tension. Thanks again.

#7

I lost my dad , 66 years old , suddenly in January. I think the shock had subsided but am absolutely broken. Feel we were both cheated xx

#8

So sorry to hear of your loss Nic. That’s exactly it, I feel cheated. People keep saying think of the happy memories but I can’t at the moment as I feel too devastated and just want him back