Lost my dad recently and was told by a well known counselling service that it was akin to winning the lottery!!!!

You read the above conversation title correctly. Today I was told that my dad being free from his widow (his wife - my mother) and me being free from worrying about my dad was like winning the lottery. I contacted a well known counselling service who despite knowing I was struggling to sleep at night (lost my dad suddenly 3 weeks ago) told me to "sleep well to tonight). I’m not on here to bad mouth this charity by any means but just wondered how everyone else copes with insensitive comments. What was emailed to me has really affected me and brought me down - alot!!! I feel being on here will be more supportive as you will all understand how I’m feeling right now. I just feel really lousy right now

Gayle I can only say OMG what tw*ts!
Please take comfort that you will find the support that you need on these sites, just because someone has the title counsellor unless they have felt you fears worries loss they can not fully understand what a throwaway comment can do however well meant . I am so sorry for your loss, reach out people will respond. X

Ps I lost my dad in Feb and my hubby in March so understand yours and your mothers pain

I’m sure most of these volunteers are excellent and really want to help.
One asked me if I’d had counselling and what sort, when I said Humanist she said “you need to have CBT, you’ll like that because you were a teacher and it’s target based”
The last thing I need is a list of targets to reach.
My pain and feelings were ignored and all would be well with a set of targets to work towards.
I didn’t phone again.

I had a full apology from the charity in question. But I really feel much better hanging out here as each and every one of you knows exactly how I feel xxx

Gayle,

I know others may disagree with what I am about to suggest but have you tried sleeping tablets at all?
I only used them for 10 days and was adamant I didn’t want a repeat prescription, but they did get me back into a pattern of sleep in the early days. They dont give you a long sleep but what they do is help you to fall asleep.
I would take one 30 mins before bed and they would give me 4 to 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep which enabled me to cope with the day ahead.
Even now I’m not sleeping great, I wake anywhere between 4 and 5 am but I have managed to get myself to a place where I can fall asleep.

Others may recommend rescue remedies or lavender tablets which are all worth a try. Like I say, not for everyone but sleeping tablets helped me enormously to get through days 3 to 13 of my loss.

All this goes to show how powerful words can be. So many inappropriate comments can hurt. On here recently someone said about being put down by negative posts, consequently they were leaving the forum. Now this can’t be good.
As I understand it, and correct me if I am wrong, but support means just that.
To support someone means to lift them up. To maybe point out some help that may be had or some HELPFUL advice from our own experiences.
So often words are taken out of context or misunderstood. Perhaps, before we write we should think about the impact our post may have on someone in pain.
We are all human and vulnerable and have the faults all humans have.
But I too often feel a bit depressed by some of the negative posts we get. I do understand where many are coming from, but a lot of folk don’t, and take what is said as true.
Controversial? Well, it won’t be the first time or, probably, not the last.!!! We can all express our opinions if we stick to the site guidelines.
Blessings and best wishes.

Hi Gayle, I must say I am gobsmacked by that comment. I am so sorry you had to be subjected to that ignorance That being said, nothing really surprises me any more when it comes to shocking, insensitive words. I lost my Mother in 2012, and my boss told me to “stop feeling sorry for yourself, move on, this is life…” A few months after the loss. I was having very difficult morning so was a bit late (so common in grief) and she said in a nasty tone, “You don’t have to look after your mother anymore, so what is your excuse?” When my sister was fighting a rare and serious cancer, I would quickly text her during the day to check on her. One day my boss approached me and gave me “a look,” I told her I was worried about my sister and needed to touch base with her. My boss shook her head and said “Humph, we all have problems.”
After my beloved sister died last year, the tactless remarks continued. She even texted me numerous times about work issues when I was on my personal bereavement leave, with the audacity to ask me to make a work related phone call from home. She then lectured me when I said I was not up to it.
Let me add, I work in the Mental Health field! People like my boss and the person you dealt with do more harm than good. Book learning & experience count for nothing, and compassion cannot be learned. They are “educated fools.” I am sorry for the long post (and I could share so much more, but I think you get the point). I just want you to know that you are not alone. Many of us here have been stung by abrasive words that only intensify our pain. Here you will find kindness so keep posting. So sorry for your loss. Xxx Sister2

I too have come across that same thing more often than I like to think. I have seen folk in the middle of a catharsis, unloading emotions, to be told, ‘sorry, times up’. The 50 minute hour is all too common in counselling.
We have to face the fact that some people can be uncaring and sometimes cruel. Perhaps they have not experienced this pain or have and have become ‘desensitised’.
Some people shut out emotions. Bottle them up, and they turn inward and they become bitter. They lash out at everyone around them. I’m not making excuses for bad behaviour. Perhaps we shouldn’t judge. I don’t know. I do know the pain these ‘throw away’ remarks can cause.
I love that expression ‘educated fools’. Just about sums it up. All theory and very little understanding. You can have all the degrees in the world, but without compassion and understanding they are meaningless.
I agree, nothing surprises me either. But I counter such thoughts with the kindness and love I have received from strangers and friends.
I am sorry to say the uncaring will always be with us, but so will the kind and understanding folk as on here.
Take care. Blessings.

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