My dad died in January 1st this year. He had been living with cancer for 5 years and was told the Wednesday before he died on the Saturday that he had months left to live . I found this utterly devastating - I couldn’t speak to him when he FaceTimed me to tell me- I felt so upset for him a the all the things he was going to miss; I didn’t go round to see him like my sister did because I didn’t want to just sit and cry when that’s not what he needed.
On the Friday I went round for New Year’s Eve but he stayed in bed as didn’t feel well and I didn’t go up and see him because I didn’t want to disturbs him. At 5:15am Saturday my mum rang to say he was dead - I went round (I live on the next street) and saw him.
I am struggling so much with it - I just feel so bad that I didn’t go and see him when I had the chance; I didn’t go and say goodbye, I didn’t tell him how much I loved him.
All I think about is seeing him dead; I think of all the times I said or did things I now regret and I can’t ever take back. I think of all the things he’s missing whenever I do anything or go anywhere and it makes me so sad he’s missing it all.
I miss him so much. I talked to him and messaged him all the time - we had so much in common; we shared jokes and interests that I don’t have with anyone else and I just want him back.
I’ve took 2 weeks off work but felt guilty being off so went back but it seems everyone just thinks I’ve moved on and am over it but it’s a struggle to get through the day: I cry all the way there and then spend all night with these feelings.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in December to cancer she only got diagnosed in the March so it all happened very quickly for me.
I think your dad knew you loved him. Like me and others on here we also have regret when our loved ones pass away. I was with my mum till the end but at one point I fell asleep I so wish I hadn’t.
I miss my mum every second of every day. I keep waiting for her walk into the room or moan at me about somethink. Like me it’s still very early days for us both.
I go back to work on Friday I’ve been off nearly 3 months I’m dreading it as like you I feel like for 6 hours I got to paint a smile on my face and make out I’m okay when really I’m anythink but.
I’m so sorry for your loss too - it’s such an utterly devastating thing to deal with and so many different feelings from one minute to the next.
I hope that your return to work goes well. I know what you mean about painting on a smile and just getting through it. I think that’s what is hard at the moment for me. Work is a great distraction as it’s so full on but before and after I’m in pieces but don’t fell like there is anyone I can show this to. I would say though that if you feel it’s too soon/ too much once you’re there then that’s normal and to make time for yourself - I suffered anxiety attacks just walking in and I’ve never had them in my life so took the first couple of days just being at work not doing much.
Guilt for whatever reason is part of grief … but unless you were a bad child, it rarely is appropriate … it means what we have no more chances to go back and do or fix something.
