Lost my dad

Hi,

I lost my dad on 19th November 23. He had been suffering with his health for a number of years & we knew this dreaded day would come. The last four months of his life were traumatic, stressful, exhausting & emotional for all of us.
He really suffered and went through it at towards the end, it was heartbreaking.
Now he is finally at peace. I do feel relief that he is no longer suffering, but I also feel so much guilt!
I feel guilt that maybe I could of done more to make his final months easier for him, I feel guilt that I should of visited him more, I feel guilt that I should of spoke to him more, guilt that I think I was in denial even though it was obvious to see he was dying. And the most thing I feel guilt about is that I was not with him at the end. He died alone. For that I can’t forgive myself.
I know I’ve heard guilt is part of the grieving process. But how do I grieve properly when I can’t get past the ifs & maybes? I just feel I have let him down. :cry::cry:

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@Poppy14 Hello Poppy, I’m very sorry for your loss. My dear dad died on Friday. I lost my mum in November after a short illness.

Try not to torture yourself with guilt. You did your best and life continues all around you. I wasn’t with my dad at the end either and feel guilty. I have no wisdom to offer I’m afraid. I’m a total wreck and have no idea gow to survive the loses. My parents were my world and now I feel alone without them.

Lean into those you love and keep posting on here. Take care. R x

Im so sorry for your loss @Poppy14 . You’re right, it is not unusual to experience guilt, even though i became my mums full time carer for the last 11 months of her life, i still felt guilty that i should have spent MORE of that time sat with her. Then i started feeling guilty that maybe my over zealousness in calling the gp/nurses contributed to her decline at the end. Guilt seems to worm its way into any little chink in our armour - i guess its because we just want to find some way, ANY way that this terrible thing might not have happened. A counsellor advised me to remember that not all thoughts are true. Just because a thought pops into your head, you can examine it and consider whether its really true or not? Think of all the things you DID do to support your Dad, all the times you DID visit, whilst possibly also having to juggle a job/family? And if you have difficulty doing that, one method i often use is to imagine a close friend came to you with exactly the same situation - how would you advise them? We are often a lot kinder and more understanding towards others than we are towards ourselves! Take care :heart:

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