On the 5th August 2018 I lost the love of my life, he was on his way home after his bachelor party and the day of his 37th birthday.
We were due to get married in South Africa on the 19th September this year.
This year started out with Craig coming over on a 6 month visa, Chris who has known Craig as Dad for 6 years moved over in Jan with his biological mother giving me guardianship. Craig went back to S.A in June and I’ve been working on his spouse visa for after we got married so he could return to the UK to be with Chris and I and we can resume family life. I’ve known Craig 24 years. He was 13, I was 12. He was my first true love.
I won’t go in to too much detail as to what happened as the case is ongoing, but basically he was shot for being concerned about a mother who had a young child with her and was stopped in the road (they had left the same time his brother picked him up). When they stopped car lights turned on and they were shot at. Craig was hit in the arm and heart. The shooter, in his 60’s, handed himself in, there were others involved however the shooter, although admitting murder, has been released on bail. I’m told this is not the first time and that files have gone missing for previous murders and other crimes. I’m looking at hiring a private investigator as the Investigation Officer in South Africa is doing very little.
Anyways Chris and I returned to S.A for his memorial and Chris has chosen to continue living with me which I’m so extremely grateful for. He’s my son.
Sadly neither myself nor Chris were invited to the funeral or the cremation, had Craig and I been married this wouldn’t have been the case but unfortunately his mother, whom he referred to as the devil and did not get on with, refused for us to be involved and the request of me having some of his ashes was just absurd. Thankfully his friends knew exactly how much we all loved each other and put on a memorial and it was beautiful – exactly how Craig would have wanted and the fact they even showed a photo of him mooning was just so him. They played our wedding song which Craig had chosen and during that just showed photos of Craig and I. The partner of Craig’s best friend even read out my speech for me as I was too emotional.
And to be fair, i’m still an emotional wreck all the time, if not I’m numb or angry and on top of that I’m trying to be a good Mom but I’ve no prior experience, let alone for a 16 year old. Also Chris’s biological father was also shot and killed when he was 2. My heart breaks for him. But I hope I’m providing him with a good home/ life, one with love and stability.
On top of this, Craig and I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of the year but sadly I miscarried.
I’ve miscarried before and my previous partner eventually went on to commit suicide. This was also a very difficult time for me as we remained close. I actually saw his sister in S.A when we were over and she’s trying for another baby and if it’s a boy wants to call him Craig. Her, Michael (husband) and little Jonathan all got to meet Craig early last year and they all got to meet Chris and his biological brother Dylan in August when we were over as I flew us all down to the coast.
It’s all just too much. All of this. And all on top of my bipolar, anxiety, panic attacks, fibromyalgia, CFS/ ME …
I just want Craig back. Yet I’m stuck at home most days wallowing in self-pity as I’m unable to work due to my various mental and physical health conditions.
If it weren’t for Chris, I’m not sure I’d even still be here. On top of all the pain, the grief, the loss … I also feel completely useless. But Chris (and the animals) give me a purpose.
Sorry for the long post and if it wasn’t in sequence. Just needed to get it all out and a bit too emotional to read through it all again.