Lost my friend 3 years ago

Finding Christmas tough, I always do, but the last 2 years I had a boyfriend to distract me. Happily single but coping with the grief is difficult again. He loved Christmas a lot and he gave me my favourite Christmas memory.

He lost his life by suicide. I keep intensely fantasising that he faked his death and he will just pop up one day. So many emotions about this. I have friends/family but no support for my bereavement, I am not friends with anyone who also knew him and my current circle just don’t understand or will be like “sorry you’re feeling rough”.

I’m planning a trip next year or the year after to visit where his ashes are. Money is tight so it’s tricky. I really, really wish he had faked his death and that he would just message or call me now. I want to apologise for letting him down. I want to shout at him for abandoning me. I want him to see all the cool stuff I’m doing now. I want to spend another Christmas with him.

Hello @morstuavitamea, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. Thank you for reaching out here and I hope you find our community to be a support. I can see that you’ve joined in on some threads and have been supporting other members, too - thank you.

We know that being bereaved by suicide can bring with it some difficult and complex feelings. There’s support out there for people who have experienced this kind of loss. Please do think about contacting one of the organisations below:

You might also want to think about bereavement counselling to give yourself a space to explore your grief. We offer free online bereavement counselling which is held via video chat. Maybe take a look and see if it’s something you might find helpful.

Do keep reaching out - you are not alone.

Take care

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