Lost my husband in February

I lost my husband Alex at the end of February 2016 he died whilst working away he had a an condition called left ventricular hypertrophy which caused an heart attack. I am emerging from the shock bubble which in some ways is harder because now my reality is really starting to hit home, my husband was Australian we met in the early 90’s whilst I was back packing and within 4 days he told me he loved me. We married and spent 19 years together he was my best friend my everything and now I am adrift despite the fact I constantly sense him around me coming to terms with continuing along without him feels unbearable. The loneliness is devastating but I can’t really bear being with people. I understand that in time that I will learn to live without him be cause let’s face it I’ve no choice but in the mean time what? I an 48 my husband died two weeks after his 47th birthday. To begin a new life at this stage in my life seems so alien even if I did know where to start plus by the time I manage to get through all the first time things like Xmas birthdays etc without him more time would have elapsed it’s all so painful with no ending in sight I’m in a club I did not want to join and I have no choice in my thoughts and feelings just when I think I could not possibly have any more tears left a fresh batch arrives my concentration is all over the place and I am lost without purpose hope. I’m trying to take baby steps not to think about the future concentrate on the present but it’s so hard!!!

Hello Karen, firstly I want to say that I am so glad you decided to join our Online Community. It sounds as if you are in a really dark place at the moment, and I want you to know you are not alone.
It must have been a terrible shock for you when Alex died - not at all what you ever imagined would happen to him at such a young age. From the way you describe how you met and your wonderful life together since then, I can only begin to imagine your feelings of devastation now. I think you are right in saying you cannot think about your future at this stage - you are facing a roller coaster of emotions, but please just take one day at a time. I hope you have some good family members or friends who will be able to support you.
I am thinking of you as you try and make sense of what has happened. With kind regards, Jackie

Hi Karen, my names Kate and I lost my husband lee on the 1st June, two weeks ago.
I’m beyond devastated and am concerned that I will never know how to live without him. He left behind two three year olds, who I am also devastated for. We’re from the UK but lived in Asutralia for 11years, lee died on a six week trip to England. We were due to fly back the day before we died.
Clearly, I’m suffering my own pain and I don’t know how to help you, the same as it difficult for others to help me. But I want you to know that I am here suffering too, I understand some of what you’re going through and I am willing you to come through this xxx

Dear Kandl
Thank you for taking the time to write despite being in such pain yourself I am a spiritual person not religious, I believe in the after life but it does not help I am here in the now and as I am sure you can appreciate trying to adjust to being alone is difficult
Initially you are cushioned by shock then reality kicks in and the work begins. I started a new job 5 days after I cremated my husband so I know I have inner strength but you can’t help but feel cheated out of the future you would have had. I am having counselling I can’t say whether it’s helping as I’m not sure it’s all a bit of a blur really. I am so very sorry about Lee I suspect he is around you though sending you love and healing xx

Hi AquariusA, reading your posting was the reason I joined this forum today, as I wanted to reply to you so much as what you’d written was so similar to how I’m feeling at the moment. I lost my husband in May this year. He died suddenly at home of a heart attack after feeling unwell for a couple of days.
I know what you mean about the shock bubble, straight after you’re keeping so busy organising the funeral and trying to deal with all the official side of things as well as telling everyone that you think needs to know, and it’s only once you start coming through all that and start trying to do ‘normal’ things that you realise how lost you are and how empty your life is without them. I can’t sense my husband around me yet (my sister says I’m trying too hard) so you’re lucky if you can. I’m trying to surround myself in the house with happy pictures of him - even though I find it really hard to look at them at the moment I have to feel like he’s here with me.
I feel the same as you about being round other people, I’m ok with my sisters, but I find myself going out really early to do things so I don’t bump into anyone I know. Someone told me the other day that they missed the old me, and I told them, that me might be gone forever, and that the me I am now might be the one I am for the rest of my life. I don’t know anyone who’s been widowed, and kind as friends and neighbours are they can’t understand the overwhelming feelings we’re going through.
I hope this reply to you doesn’t upset you because that’s not my intention, I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and that I know what you’re going through.

Hello Louise, firstly I want to welcome you to our Online Community. I am so sorry that your beloved husband died suddenly, leaving you feeling totally lost and overwhelmed.
As you may have realised by reading some of the posts here, you are facing a tough time trying to make sense of what has happened. You shared your life with your husband for many years, so it must feel really strange being in a quiet home without him. Please take your time to gradually adjust to being on your own. I can assure you that all the thoughts and emotions you are experiencing are perfectly normal. I am thinking of you, with kind regards, Jackie

Hello Louise firstly let me say I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband nobody can truly appreciate our situation unless they have experienced it no matter how well intentioned or kind people try to be and when people ask how you are don’t you just want to scream of course you don’t you put on a brave face and say things like yeah just taking it a step at a time when inside your thinking to yourself I can’t believe they will never walk through that door again or talk to me, it’s all so surreal like you I can’t bear to face anyone and don’t get me started about the mess my head is in talk about taking me to dark places especially thinking about the past replaying our last conversation and everything is just so painful I moved my husbands clothes to another room because I could not bear to look at them but can not bring myself to dispose of them either and I howled like an animal which I have on and off since he died in fact I have never heard my self cry in the way I do now it comes from deep inside me I guess. I am changed forever as our you and my only consolation is that we all die in the end that sounds dark but I am a very spiritual person and believe we are all made of energy I also have been reading a lot and have felt my husband with me since he passed I don’t know what your beliefs are and would not dare to push mine on to you but your husband will be around you. My daughter actually saw my husband sitting in his chair and she has no beliefs in the after life she was pretty shocked go on the Internet or to your library make up your own mind. I promise I would never have mentioned this but it has given me great comfort. And I truly wish from the bottom of my heart you get the evidence you seek, also there is spirtualist churches everywhere. My name is karen by the way and I’m so sorry we have met under such horrendous circumstances I will talk to you anytime you wish about anything so thank you for reaching out you are very brave be strong when you can and cry when you can’t xx

Hi Karen, thank you so much for replying to me, pretty much everything you say I have/am going through at some point too.
I’m not religious or into spiritualism, but both my husband and myself believed that after you die you can’t just disappear, that we go somewhere, just in a different form. I believe he’s watching over me, as the alternative is that he’s gone forever, which I can’t bear the thought of.
It’s actually been quite therapeutic to write down on here how I’m feeling, and to be honest with myself, because I think I’ve been so keen to show I’m coping so I don’t worry my family that I’ve kept it all hidden away.
Just as you say for me to write to you when I want to talk to someone, please, you do the same to me, as the only ones who can really know how we feel are people in the same boat, and sometimes just finding out that someone else feels the same or has the thought the same can be a relief. xx

Hi all,

How are you doing today? I’m glad you’re finding it thereputic to post here and exchange messages. I just wanted to drop in to introduce you to new member Johnboy412000, who lost his wife in May. You can read and reply to his post here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/lost-my-wife