Lost my husband in September

Hi all,
I’m new to sue Ryder, but can do empathise with each and everyone of you. The feelings that come with grief are like being on a roller coaster in a storm and in a washing machine all at the same time. I do think we should be able to express our darkest thoughts.
I lost my husband on 22 September 2019, he was 54 we had been together 40 years and I still feel like I’m in denial.
Everyone says I’m strong too, but they don’t really know what’s going on in my mind. I too have thoughts that I really don’t want to go on and everything seems pointless. Even when I’ve been with family and friends and ‘seem to be having a good time’ I’m so lonely and sad inside. I feel so lost without Dave. I do get days where I feel like I can move forward, but they are short lived and then the grief comes crashing down again and that’s when I go in to denial mode because it’s too painful. I’ve still got all his stuff where it was 13 months ago I still charge and pay for his phone. Me and our 3 children still have him on our family group chat.
I find people don’t want to talk about him much anymore too. But it’s still so fresh to me. I find it strange that people just want to move on and leave him in the past. He had such a great influence in friends and families lives.
I too find my personality has changed., I’m more nervous I Get feelings of bad anxiety and feel so scared in the night. And also feel so angry sometimes, I’ve drunk more than I should a few times then wake up feeling like crap. People say time is a healer but it seems like it’s getting worse at the moment. And yet a couple of days ago I posted on here on the Guilt page, to explain to someone I don’t think her husband suffered as my husband had 2 cardiac arrests he survived from and he said it was the most beautiful feeling he couldn’t even put into words. And also that my son had got me a dog Maisy on mother’s Day and how she helps me. Which she really has, and I can feel so positive, but then it can all change and I feel like nothing will help me and i have to dig myself out of the hole again. It can be so tiring. Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad how wildly my thoughts can change around from 1 day to the next.
Thinking of you all
Cheryl x

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Hi Cheryl105
I thought I was reading a post that I could easily have wrote. It is madness or thats what this grief feels like. It seems its going to be a long ride on the rollercoaster we would never have purchased the ticket for.

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Hi Chery105

Well explain the feelings that vome with grief. It is exactly how i am feeling.

I charge and top up his phone too. I have cleaned and ironing his cloths as he likes. I haven’t managed to throwing anything. It seems that evening are worst than mornings, it take me hours to sleep missing my husband and tears come very easily. Other days i am numb.
Well hope there is a future as some people say.

It seems that we need to hold it so the time help us to feel better.
I wish i could tell you something that calm or stop your psin.
Only i can say stay and visit this place, sometimes helps

Cheryl, yes I recognise a lot of your post. I am dreading the nights once my mum leaves me (I know I am very very lucky that mum has slept next to me for three weeks when most people already have to manage on their own). I already feel like life is impossible to keep living one minute and then like I found something that helped that I can recommend to others the next but then minutes or hours later I am like a wounded feral creature again so I don’t even follow my own advice.

I don’t know how we can possibly do this. You already went so far but I can’t see how we can ever get over this massive unfairness we have been dealt whilst around us people just go on. That is horrible that people stop mentioning Dave, even if it’s because they “don’t want to upset you” it is not like that will work.

So sorry Cheryl, I hope you can get some sleep tonight. Or at least know I am probably crying or staring into space at the same time, feeling it too.

My husband died last September too, and I haven’t moved his things either…I just have not got to that point yet, I like seeing his things, it reminds me of him and makes him feel close…so you’re not alone on that one xxx

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Thank you all for your response, it really does give me great comfort to know I’m not the only one with these thoughts and feelings and so nice to be able to express myself with no judgement on here. Seems there is no wrong or right way we just have to face each day as it comes and sort things out when we feel ready not because we should, and hold on to the fact that we had. such great loves in our lives and that’s why it hurts so much. :broken_heart:
Really hoping we all find some peace in time.
:heart:

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Hi I do the same I text message my husband etc his clothes are still here 8 months on the nights are the worst know exactly how you all feel sorry your your loss xx

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I’m sorry we are all members of this group and all suffering so hard. I’m thankful I’ve found the group because from reading all the posts I can see we all do have similar thoughts and feelings. My husband had cancer for 4 years and died 4 weeks ago. I knew it was going to be horrific but we concentrated so hard on living and treatments and appointments, I tried not to think about what it would be like after he passed. Probably a good thing or it would have ruined our time together but the now, is so so hard. I am blessed with 2 wonderful children 15 and 18 and we are all looking after each other but I feel so lonely without my husband. I feel frightened of the future and the responsibility of everything. My children have been cheated out of having their lovely dad. All the things we should have shared as a family. My heart aches constantly. We are all trying our best, we promised to make him proud but inside I feel sick but I know I need to be ok for the kids. Evenings are the worst. I hope time is a healer. Sending love to everyone on here. Hope our hearts heal and we can eventually think of our loved ones without crying and pain :heart::broken_heart::heart:

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Dear Nikki2, I’m so sorry for your loss, it is so raw for you at the moment, I can identify with your story as I too lost my husband to cancer in June this year. He also battled and managed to be with us for 3 years, amazing really because he had stage 4 pancreatic and liver cancer. But the pain of losing your husband is agonising, isn’t it? I have very bad days and some OK ones. You are still in shock and will find that sometimes your grief overwhelms you. Here on this forum you will find so many of us going through the same as you are, unfortunately there is no way forward other than going through the awful grieving process. Hugs to you and your children. Keep posting on her, Margarita

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Dear Nikki, I do understand what you are going through and whilst I am so glad that you have your lovely children, nothing but nothing can compensate for the loss of your beloved husband. It is all so sad and I feel for you.
MaryL

Hi Nikki
We all feel the pain in your words. Your husband passing to this most horrible illness is something that just rears its ugly head at the click of a finger. I have found replacing the image with a more pleasent one helps. Hopefull that eventually my head will be so full with the nice times that theres no room for the last days.
This is no easy ride and even now I dont always feel as though it will improve. The gut wrenching feeling that just removes all control of keeping it together is a bitch when it rears its ugly head.
All I can say is that for me I just take it as it comes there are two options in life and I choose to try to push through this not for me but for my daughters. For them I take a deep breath and hope that one day there will some sense of normality again

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Sorry for your loss too, Margarita. Your husband sounds like an absolute fighter. My husband was too and I thank him still everyday for fighting such a battle so he could be with us for as long as he possibly could. I totally agree that the pain of losing your husband is agonising and the grief is overwhelming. I’ve never felt pain and loss like it. Thank you for the hugs. Sending hugs to you also. X

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I completely understand. To erase the scene of the final couple of days we filled our home with as many photos as possible so we could remember the more healthy times. I hate the word cancer and I just feel for all the people suffering with it, and of course their families. It’s such a difficult and painful journey. Like you, I try and push through for the children. Isn’t it the most awful feeling that you can be sitting with people who love you but feel so totally lost and lonely inside? Like someone has knotted up your insides. I hope my children don’t feel as desperate as I feel on the inside. I know we will be ok. Sending you a big hug ‘tillwemeetagain’ xxx

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Thank you MaryL. It’s so comforting to know that others understand. I feel so guilty at times for feeling this level of grief when I know I’m also so lucky to have my children and family. But you are right, nothing can compensate for losing my husband. My heart is broken. Hopefully for all of us, time will heal us. X

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Please don’t feel guilty, Nikki. grief is the price we pay for love, I feel so sorry for all of you younger people. I was very lucky that Stan and I had 59 years of marriage, we started "walking out " when I was 17 years old and he was 22 years old. Our children laugh when I use that expression, it sounds so old fashioned, both of them are in their 50’s. Jenny is 56 and Michael is 53 years old. They miss their dad so much. x

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I lost my husband of 61 years in July although the family and myself had 19 weeks where we new he was going to lose this battle it still feels so unreal I still go to say something to him when I realise he isn’t there and then I feel so down and sad

I get you. I’ve walked into the house after speaking to a neighbour and gone to tell my husband and that realisation that they aren’t there just hits you. And what you are about to sayisnt even that important, and no one other than your husband knows the background to what your about to say. It’s all so hard. Thank goodness for groups like this where we can share our experiences so we dont feel like we are going mad. Lots of love to you Cliffe x

59 years. How amazing is that? A true love story. Grief is grief though, it’s tough on all of us, young and not as young. I lost my dad 4 years ago, when I was 40 and I still miss him. I know how your children are feeling. My mum was amazing and is my inspiration for what I’m going through now. She was always a mum first, and grieving widow second. I hope I can be even half as wonderful as she is. You sound as though you would have been the same as my mum.

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Thank you, Nikki, for the lovely compliment. I try not to let our children guess how I feel, both of them live 80 miles away from me in opposite directions as do our grandsons. I know they worry about me, which I don’t want them to do.

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Yes it really is this is my first time I’ve wrote I’ve tried so hard to keep everything to my self it’s just so hard trying to pretend all is fine ;I’m lucky I’ve got a super family but still the hurt is there but it’s good to be able to have these groups love to all

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