lost my husband of 44 years in may

My husband died in May, just before my birthday and anniversary. He just died and now I am half a person, like an outline without any substance. My son and his family have been terrific but they need to move on with their own lives and they don’t understand that my grief is totally different to theirs.I also feel like baggage; I know I’m not but it doesn’t stop the feeling. I try to keep busy and the dog is a big comfort , even if she did prefer him ! I seem to be crying more than ever and am coping worse now than when he first died. I look at the future with more than dread. I feel as if I’m breaking up.

Hi fleurandme,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband in may.I lost my mum also in may this year and although it’s a different relashionship I can really relate to what you have put as I have the same feelings the feelings of coping worse now that’s how I am feeling and it’s getting worse I don’t know if it’s because the more time goes on the more the reality is kicking in and also missing them more whatever the reason the pain is gutting crippling and like you say also I feel like I am breaking up and going mad I keep getting so anxious and like I’m just missing you describe it as yr a outline and I know what you mean it’s horrible. Me and mum were peas in a pod and lived together u couldn’t get a stronger close bond so now I feel so lost and scared and pain of missing her and also how she suffered eats me up inside I wish it was me that had gone I told her mum I would swap places with you if I could in a instant if it meant you didn’t have to suffer I really wish I could of. Seeing and losing the person you love most is the painful thing words can’t describe it. I find it so difficult to get through a day well a hour! I’m so exhausted scared low. I don’t have a close family like herself I wish I did have that. I just don’t know how long I can keep existing that’s all I’m doing. I do have a puppy though that got 7 weeks ago and named her after my mum Susie Hope. Well the hope bit I added as that what desperately need so like you say yr dog is a comfort and Susie hope is and I love her but grief pain is just so huge and painfull. I just thought I’d send post out to you so you know you not alone. I’m here if ever you wana chat.
Love sent xx Tray x

Thank you so much for getting in touch. It seems bad but it is good to know that someone actually understands the pain. I wish you didn’t and I do know in my head that we’'ll survive and go on but oh, I really don’t want to . Like you my dog gives me a reason to keep going and she doesn’t mind me crying, in fact she comes to give me a love. I know that there are lots of people suffering loss but selfishly I don’t see why I should be one of them, as no doubt you do. I keep trying to find a way forward but I just see emptiness so if you find the magic formula please, please let me kmow. Thanks once again for caring enough to reply and share.

Hi,
Thank you also for getting in touch . Grief pain can feel and be a very lonely place so it is nice as wrong as it sounds to not you not alone in this horrible place of loss.and like you say I don’t see why I should be one of them weirdly I never thought I would be I thought the love protection I have had for my mum would protect her from anything! . If only love could do that hey. I like you also are looking for some magic formula but I have no clue to what the mixture or ingredients are I really I did. Today is still bad day had to out for a bit to do mundane things but just seeing people around laughing and with family’s I get upset and I just don’t feel part of this world just wana burst into tears or feel like I’m going mad I have that much going through my head. Again like you puppy is a comfort and so not completely alone. Keep in touch and thank you for getting in touch with me it means a lot.
Love from Tray xx

Hi Fleurandme,

I’m so sorry for your loss, you must be feeling very overwhelmed right now.

Everyone’s grief is different like you say, and everyone has different ways of coping that work for them. I’m glad you are finding some comfort in your dog and keeping busy.

Tracey has also joined our community over the weekend and lost her husband in may. It sounds as if she can relate to how you’re feeling too. I’ve directed her to your post but I thought you might like to see hers also:

https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/lost-my-husband-may-2016

Welcome to the site and if there’s anything I can help you with just let me know.

Take care,

Kate

I won’t say I know how you feel because we are all different. My husband of 40 years died in June 2016 after a long battle with cancer. I cry all the time but dealing with each problem as it arises everyday and daily chores, home improvement projects and a full-time job are keeping me busy which I think is important. We had no children but our families are supporting from a distance. The one thing that angers me is that we did not get to enjoy retirement together. My sister in law lost her husband 5 years ago and she still gets blindsided by memories that will always be there. Happy to share experiences if you want contact; I don’t have all the answers but am a good listener.

Hi girls I’ve just been reading your posts like yourselves I lost my partner of 25 years in May this year and my world has just fell apart the day Robert died part of me died also it was Roberts birthday on Monday and it’s been terrible the pain I feel inside I cannot describe I just can’t imagine my life without him I always thought I was a strong person but this has proved me wrong I attend bereavement counciling and I think it’s going to be a long road ahead for all of us the only thing I can say is try and keep yourself busy to pass the time and take each day at a time taking small steps and hopefully someday the pain will ease I’m here anytime you need a chat take care xxxxx

Hi Sue, many thanks for getting in touch. I find making decisions really hard ; we always made them together and I find if I don’t get the expected reply I am all at sea. I make lists of things to do to fill in the days. I actually painted a ceiling last week & I have finally worked out how to make the drill work and I must admit to feeling quite smug. My family help but they do have their own life and do not understand that I am not so much lonely as alone. Unlike you , we did manage 2 years retirement together & it is a comfort to know how much my husband enjoyed them but it still doesn’t help me yet. I so miss someone who knows me, actually knows me and loved me in spite of everything. I still feel like half a person and from talking to other people who, like your sister in law have been bereft for years, I think I always will. We just cope somehow don’t we ? But it does help to talk , so thanks for listening.

Hi Janey,until it happens to you , you don’t realise how many widows are wandering around in a fog of pain. Since my husband died I have been amazed at the number of people ; I have discovered that 4 of my fellow dog walkers are widows , all still grieving, after 4 to 8 years. They never mentioned this until they found out about my loss. I take great support from these people; it’s like having a mobile counselling service. Like you I try to keep busy, make list of jobs & places to go. I am OK during the day but 5.00pm seems to hit my like a brick. I hate meal times & I dread the dark days of winter. I feel like I am in a fog when it comes to making decisions, when I , like you , thought I was a positive person. Routine helps me now but the silliest things make me cry. I have no control over my emotions but am learning to live with this. It does help to talk- like the old advert said , it is good to talk. I know just how you felt on Robert’s birthday. Perhaps eventually we will both be able to celebrate their birthdays without boxes & boxes of tissues. Thanks for listening, take care. We are all in this together unfortunately , so if you or anyone wants a chat I’m here.

You are not alone although we feel as if life has no meaning or future path. My Barrie died in January, I thought I was coping well, but last week it hit me like a high speed train, and although my sisters and son in law are fantastic, like you say they have their lives to get on with. We have no children ,Barrie has a son and daughter who have been very supportive. The future does look very bleak but somehow I think Barrie is with me somewhere and he would want me to move on although at the moment I cant see a way. We had been married for 41 years.

hi Janey, Like you say I thought I was a strong person, but Barrie died in January and it has just hit me like a high speed train, I always new one day I would be left on my own, Barrie was 9 years older than me and a lot wiser. They say move on but I have no motivation to take me on. I moved back home from Spain after he died, bringing my cat Pipsy who seems to be my world now, which is sad. Thank you for your encouragement, maybe one day the pain will ease but until then we are all here, sorry if I am being selfish, you also have to cope. Kind regards Chrissyxxx

Hi Chrissy, I just wanted to say I know how you are feeling. I make lists of things to do just to make me keep going. People keep telling me that ‘‘time will heal’’ but I know it wont but I have hope that I can deal with life better. Just because you can’t see the pain it doesn’t mean it’s not there. I am learning to reply fine when asked how I am because unless you have been there people don’t really understand. But take comfort from any place you can , even if it is crying in the bath or talking to anyone. I have my beautiful bassett, but she also misses my husband sorely and it is silly but animals do give us such love. So Chrissy love , keep going , we are all here with you.
fleurandme.x

Hi Chrissy and fleurandme I’ve just seen your posts just now I don’t know how to learn to live with the life I have now without Robert it’s going to be really hard to do but I’ve got to try unfortunately life does go one no matter how we feel I don’t know about you both but I feel my whole personality has changed since Robert has died I don’t feel I will ever be same person again I feel so vulnerable and my confidence has went completely hopefully one day I will feel normal again I hope our pain will ease at some point just keep busy and try to fill up your day I’m here anytime you both need someone to talk to take care of yourselves speak soon xxx

Hi Janey & Chrissy, just read your posts & wanted to talk to someone. We should have been going on holiday today, somewhere we could take the dog and Paul could fish to his hearts content, instead I’m crying buckets. We’ll never go fishing again, not that I fish but we so enjoyed the quiet time together. He’d just bought new gear and was so looking forward to trying it all out. Instead it is stuck in the shed, a constant reminder.It’s silly but I have been able to get rid of some of his stuff without a aproblem but certain things just freak me out. His slippers for example. I don’t know about you , I suppose we all have this block and so I’ll leave the stuff alone until I’m ready. I do know he would tell me it was no use to me and to get rid, so why do I feel as if I’m throwing his life out , 'cos stuff wasn’t Paul. Paul was my gentle , kind man, literally my better half. Sorry it moan at you ladies but it does help. Thanks for being there. Fleurand me xx

Hi fleurandme I’m the same all I’ve done is cry all week I’ve just this minute came in from work I don’t normally do the weekends but I said I would work to get me out of the house last weekend all I did was cry I’ve kept Roberts slippers in the bedroom and every night I put mine beside his I don’t know why I do it but I do today in glasgow is the old firm football match and I’ve came in and put it on because I know Robert would have been watching it I don’t know what lies ahead of us but it’s going to be a tough ride for sure since Robert has died I don’t feel the same person my whole personality has changed I don’t think I will ever be the same person again I know how you feel I should have away two weeks ago on holiday when it was Roberts birthday it’s just a constant reminder of our pain try and keep yourself busy to numb the pain that’s what I do I just hope in time we will feel a bit better I’m here anytime you need to talk take care xx

Thanks for getting back Janey, it does help to know that there is someone out there, not just the great big void I feel at times I’m in. Got through yesterday , as I hope you did and feel a bit better today.Hope you enjoyed the game. I watch Leeds Rhinos for Paul and am trying to keep up to his greenhouse, with mixed results.Although at times I want to smash every pane of glass ! I hold on to the thought that things will get better but like you I certainly don’t feel that I will ever be me again.There is no spontenaity or fun left in me. just emptiness. I try not to think, just do , do anything to stop missing him so very much. Thanks for listening , I hope it helps you to know that someone else knows what you are going through cos I surely do. xxx Fleur and me.

I’m here anytime you need to talk unfortunately we are all on the boat take care xx

Ladies reading all your messages of support to each other has given me some comfort in a tricky time for me and for all of us. I lost my wife of 33 years of marriage on 28th August this year after a year long battle with cancer. I like you at present can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel and don’t know how I will cope living without my beloved rock and confidante, as we did everything together. I’m planning to return to work on Monday to try and get back to some sort of normality as this was a wish of my wife not to pack up work but I’m finding the mornings and evenings especially a big struggle with no one there beside me. They say time is a healer, I do hope so as I have a massive hole in my heart. My 2 daughters and their son in laws have been superb and of course our little 18 month old grandson puts a smile on my face but also makes me sad that nanny will not see him grow up.

Hello Davecat87, I see that this was your first post on our Online Community, so I want to give you a warm welcome.
I’m really sorry that your dear wife died very recently - I expect the last few weeks have gone by in a blur for you. I’m sure your family are doing all they can to help you through this tough time - and watching your little grandson grow and develop is something to focus on. Please try and enjoy playing with him, even though he won’t have the chance to be with his Nanny any more.
I will be thinking of you as you return to work on Monday - just take it a day at a time, and don’t be afraid to show your emotions to others. With kind regards, Jackie

Thanks Jackie

Things are still very raw for me and work have been absolutely brilliant all the way through since June was diagnosed back in September 2015 till the present day giving me time to grieve and not rushing me back to work. I’m in the early stages of grieving but for me I wish it was just like a simple jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces fit together easily. But I know I’m in for a long slog and hope that I can get out the other side.
I will be giving Thorpe Hall a call as I think we need support before 6 weeks.

Dave

Back to top