Lost my husband recently

I am heartbroken beyond words after the loss of my wonderful kind funny and gentle husband. My world has crashed around me. I keep bursting into shuddering sobs, all I want is to see him again, hold his hand and be cuddled by him, and that will never ever happen. We were with each other every day without fail for the last 18 years. Please tell me how you cope with not ever seeing the other half of you ever again? It seems unfathomable, how does anyone cope? We occasionally talked about what we would do if the other one died before us and he always said that he wouldn’t want his life without me. I feel the same way. He also used to say that we would be together forever , and that he wouldn’t die as God wouldn’t be that cruel. I know that when he finally realised he was dying his only concern was for me. That was how kind he was. I feel beyond desolated. I miss his smile, his hugs, his little sayings (An example was Take your time and hurry up") and oh, just everything. I know its early days, the funeral hasnt been held yet. I keep saying “We” and “Our” and then remember that it should be “I” and “mine”. I am 61 and have never lived alone before, I am finding that very hard too. I am lucky as I live in retirement flats so I always have someone around, and the neighbours are lovely.
I also am ravaged with fear that I may be didnt get to him in time. I promised him over and over again that I would be with him when he died. He died at home as the hospice was full but had a hospital bed here in the lounge and hospice nurses came in twice a day. It was while they were here that he died, ,and i had just stepped outside with the dog. The nurse came running after me to say there was a change, and i ran back in to him. I grabbed his hand and it quivered, and that was it. The nurse said I was in time, but I dont think i was, and that means i broke my last promise to him by not being with him. The guilt of that is awful.
Sorry to have waffled on so much, but really looking for some virtual hugs and advice .Thank you so very much

Hi Smartie76. My name is Karen and I am 57. I am so VERY SORRY to hear of the sad loss of your much loved, wonderful husband. It is good you have found this site as I have found it a great help to share thoughts, feelings and emotions and to be non-judged as we are all in the same boat on this AWFUL bereavement journey so we all know how painful it is. We are in a club (bereavement) which no one wants to be in but by the cruelty of this world - we are. I have picked up some good tips and advice, read so many of the postings, responded to some and it has also helped to post a message and get things off my chest so don’t apologise for waffling on because we all do and that’s what this forum is all about. I lost my partner on 13th July so I am just over 2 months along now but it is not getting any easier. I am still all over the place,feel like a lost soul and struggling to cope and in terrible pain and hurting like mad. As you had with your husband, Dave was my soulmate, my best friend, my support, and quite simply my world and my life. My heart feels as if it has been ripped out, my life is over and I have no future without the love of my life. This bereavement thing is no easy ride. I liken it to being in a dark pit of snakes and I want to get out but I cannot. A few days after I lost Dave I started reading a couple of bereavement books ‘The Courage to Grieve’ by Judy Tatelbaum and ‘Cope with Bereavement’ by Aileen Milne. I found them really helpful and read them again a few weeks ago. Perhaps you could read them yourself or something like it as it does explain things of all the emotions and practical things and I found it invaluable as until you are faced with it, you don’t know how debilitating and traumatic it is. Dave and I had talked about one of us dying and we wanted to go together. I said I couldn’t bear life without him and he said the same about losing me. Now he has gone and I am left in a horrible, lonely world. I feel so hopeful and DO NOT WANT a future without him. I don’t want my life anymore or to be in this world. As you said, how do we cope? The one person I want to help me through this is Dave to give me a cuddle and hold my hand, but he is not here and you will be feeling the same. I am sure you WERE there in time for his last moments as you said his hand quivered and the nurse said you were in time. At least he was at home too with the person he loved and adored and not alone in a hospice or hospital. He knew how much you loved him so hold that deep in your heart and thoughts. It is so so raw and new for you at the moment and as you said, you still have the funeral to get through. I wish I could help you more but the things I advise are to be kind to yourself. Take it one day at a time and only do what you feel capable of. I find watching television helps even though I sometimes cannot concentrate but at least it is company. Sometimes I want to go out, sometimes I want to stay in and that varies from hour to hour so I do what I feel is right for me at the time. Sometimes a walk helps but other times it doesn’t. I try to keep busy but some days I don’t push myself and allow myself time to grieve and rest. The first time I went shopping it was awful as I felt I couldn’t cope and I was an alien. Everyone was going about their lives and were happy and yet my world was shattered in pieces. That is now becoming easier although is still painful as Dave and I used to shop together. I now go to a different supermarket. I avoid going to places that Dave and I went to together. Places we enjoyed walking together I cannot possibly go to. I hope you have supportive family/friends/neighbours as talking helps. As you said, you are lucky you are in a retirement flat as there are others around all the time. I have found that some people have been a tower of strength but some cannot empathise or understand what I am going through. I am sure you will go through all of this as others on this site have found. Anyway, I am thinking of you and send you a GIANT HUG and will talk some more soon. Love from Karen XX