Lost my husband to be to Suicide

I’ve wrote on here before about my husband to be committing Suicide in the worst way I can think of I can not imagine what was going through his head to do that he was texting and phoning me that morning until 8.35 am when he done it because of so called friends and Fb bullies I feel guilty because I never new he had depression which I’ve just learned he was the most happiest loving nice hearted person I’ve ever met something bad happened and lots of Fb and his friends turned against him so he took his life to save his family from Getting grief but now we have more than ever because of what he done it’s been 5 weeks today since I last seen him and I can hardly remember our whole relationship just the texts and the vision of what he done to his self we had so much to look forward to our wedding would of been in 3 weeks we had bout and paid for everything before he died I blame myself still for going home on the Sunday night and he died on the Monday morning he was scared terrified to live because of people I question if he loved me but he left his kids and his mam who he loved I am angry he didn’t think how it would affect me he was my life I tried to overdose last week but didn’t work I’m glad it didn’t now I’ve been to see a medium who new a lot she wouldn’t I’m hoping there’s life or something after death so I will see him again but I feel so numb and lost I can’t forgive the bullies and never will no one should be drove to take there life cause they can’t see another way out I feel I should of stayed talked to him kept him calm ish and tried to stop him doing it but others are saying he would of anyway I just feel so guilty and I miss him so much we were always together and then nothing I feel the last 5 weeks are a blur and that it feels like yesterday it happened I don’t understand how in 3 days someone can go from so happy looking forward to our wedding to killing there self and leaving me all alone

Hello LouLou. I just wanted to say I have read your moving post and I’m touched by the pain and distress you have gone and are going through. I can’t even begin to offer any words that will be of help as all to often it’s too easy to cause more upset with a loss as difficult as suicide. I have been touched by suicide as my Brother was disturbed “in the act” and saved, but when I was 10 years old my Dad committed suicide. Since the loss of my Husband I too have felt the potential release suicide may bring me and I read that you have too. I don’t think it’s a set of thought processes that bring you to that place, it’s something far bigger than the person themselves. There is a good reply to someone on the AfterTalk website by Dr Neiymer to a lady that had lost either her son or husband to suicide, I can’t recall which but I remember well reading it. You can’t know what you don’t suspect and you don’t have a crystal ball, it’s not something you could have prevented. He loved you but this worry he had took over, it’s like a tunnel vision. Of all the loving care you could have given him sadly it takes the help of a professional and we are not professionals. And even professionals can give no guarantees. I do know what it feels like when you say you can’t recall the entire relationship, just the bad bits but in time we will get there with that. It might take a while but there will be a way. Please don’t stifle your feelings, it leads to such a bad place of despair. I hope people are helping you. Love to you.

Thank you his texts seamed so normal 10 mins before but when he called me he didn’t seam normal at all was all over and I couldn’t get to him or get anyone to him on time I miss him so much part of me went with him and my minds a mess I don’t no what I’m doing or thinking half the time do you think something took over his thinking cause I new he wasn’t scared to die but I never thought he would take his life the way he did I keep seeing it even tho I wasn’t there it’s stuck in my head bits of our relationship keep coming bk to me but I burst out crying every time I hope he loved me like I loved him he said and showed he did but to make all them plans and then take his life makes me question that a lot I think he thought his mam and kids would be better off with one ut him but I’m not better off and he new I wouldn’t be he kept saying I wish you had never met me and that depression is a horrible thing but not once did I think it would come to this

How are you today LouLou. Please don’t doubt you were loved, you would have been. I tried to reason with my brother, telling him how much his two young children would be affected - it didn’t work because he attempted it anyway. What I’m trying to say is that when the mind is all consumed by something the sufferer can’t reconcile or ever see a solution for, then everything else vanishes off the radar. It’s not intentional, I think the mind just shuts down and everything else doesn’t even register. It doesn’t help you at all I know. The questions that get left unanswered are hard to deal with in most circumstances, but a suicide loss especially so I imagine. Have you been able to get any more information on the background such as was it an impulse decision or had he been feeling low for a long time? I hope you are being supported by friends or family. It must be such a lot for you to take in. Thinking of you, Tina

I no everything I was with him on the Sunday night until 8.40pm and he text me and rang me that morning from 7am till he died at 8.36 the last text I got was 8.34 am it was cause he was terrified for him me and his family because of so called friends threatening us and bullying on Fb I no he was scared I was terrified on the Sunday but he wouldn’t move from hiding in a tent made excuses all weekend xxx

Keep holding on LouLou, I can’t imagine the depth of your pain although I know only too well what heartache thinking about all the “if only” questions bring. I’ve read your posts on another thread in which you give more details. It sounds like you are really tormenting yourself about the thought of him not loving you enough to stay around for you, but that wouldn’t have been true at all. If anything his love for you would have been immense but once his mind fell into such a troubled state it’ must have seemed impossible for him to see beyond the distress. Your loss is recent and it’s a very, very scary feeling. People don’t seem to understand that you have lost not only the love of your life but your dreams and plans as well and they may try to rush you to feel better. They will mean well but don’t feel you need to rush , take things at your own pace. You have had a traumatic loss. It must make you angry, as you say, that those to blame are still living a normal everyday life as if nothing has changed. Is there nothing the Police can do about the bullying? I know however, that no amount of justice will change things.
I hope someone is making sure you are OK and that seeing the medium brought you some comfort, we need something to get us through don’t we. xx

The police are still looking in to it and yes there living there normal life’s like nothing happened like there so called best friend they bullied to death didn’t exist and they must think they have done nothing wrong his family don’t no the half of it until they get his phone back from police if they look at it I’m very angry but can’t do anything his eyes looked different the day before he done it he was terrified I have lost everything my whole life my wedding day was in 3 weeks I’ve lost everything

I hope you’ve got through today the best you could have. What you describe is truly horrific. You probably didn’t think you’d make it past a few weeks when it happened but by some miracle you have done .Bullying of any kind is terrible but emotional bullying through social media such as Fb is despicable.and should never go unpunished. I hope tomorrow is a bit kinder to you, if only for a little while. x

Thank you I had a bad day yesterday but I feel ok ish this morning well best I can and there should really be something done about Fb because he’s not the only one who has took there life through Fb xx

Glad you’ve had a more settled start to today. I’m with you on the FB issue definitely. x

I don’t understand how ppl are getting away with it especially when it’s all over Fb I mean I no he took his own life but he was pushed to it and we were all threatened aswell on Fb it’s evil in my eyes xx

Oh you poor girl life can be so cruel why me we all say and we just have not got any answers. You feel angry upset bitter , could I have done more. Lost my husband in June 18 that’s hard but it’s the not knowing why for you I should have realised. But you just cannot keep on thinking if only. Really hard and my heart goes out to you. Xx

I’m so sorry Lou Lou
My husband took his life last May, and I still feel in a mist.
I hope you can heal, nobody understands how this affects anyone.
It is hard for us all, and I hope you have good family and friends who are helping you.
Freckles32