I have lost my husband over a month ago to brain cancer. He was only diagnosed 14 months ago.
He was only 28.
We have been together for nearly a decade.
The past year just seems like a blur, and now it’s really difficult to adjust to life without treatments and appointments and medication to fill out. All tasks have been completed, there is nothing else left that I can do for him, my life now without it’s purpose.
The pain is just unbearable, he was the sweetest man and nothing in life will ever be as good again.
It is so painful to not be able to talk and laugh with him anymore, and to not be able to hear his precious voice in real life ever again.
I can’t sleep, I just wake up over and over again. And when I do sleep, I either have happy normal dreams with him, only to wake up and have the crushing realisation set in. Or I have the bad dreams, where I’m either watching him die, or the ones where I’m re-living holding up his sick bowl at home.
I’m not suicidal at all, but I wish I could just close my eyes and will my body to die.
In my grief books a lot of topics revolve around how ‘‘it’s ok to feel relief that they’re out of pain’’. I do not have this at all. I am not relieved in the slightest, this is cruel and I’m angry at the universe for taking him from me.
One positive that I have been thinking about is how amazing our relationship was. I’m not being in denial or romanticising memories; it really is the truth.
Of course we had arguments like everybody else, but we always worked through everything, hardly ever argued about the same thing twice, never took each other for granted and we always spoke to each other about how happy we are and how much we love each other.