I lost my husband between Christmas and New year, the pain is crippling me, I just want to go to sleep and be with him, I’m trying so hard to make him proud of me and how I’m coping, but sometimes I feel I’m letting him down, some days the need to join him is so hard to fight, I have a beautiful set of family and friends, they all try so hard to help me, but I feel I’m bringing everyone else’s mood down when I cry or tell them how I’m really feeling.
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. Your loss is so very recent and raw, and I hear the pain in your post.
I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Take care - keep reaching out,
I am so sorry for your loss. I have no words of wisdom other than to reassure you that you are not alone in any of these feelings. The relentless effirt of just existing and for what reason is, as you say, crippling. But we are still here and for now our purpose can be to support each other. It’s so bizarre that we all go through this but none of feel like we’re getting it right and we all somehow have to reinvent grieving. Sending you love and a big hug
Hi Fiona…I lost my wife of 48 years in January…she was 66… I have felt everyday the same as you…it doesn’ t hurt when your asleep does it?.. then I wake up and it’s another day…but through talking to people and reading the posts on here I’ve realised everyone feels the same…so I get up and get through that day…onto the next…that’s my only focus for now…this is my strategy…not looking any further into the future for now…one day at a time.
It’s just so hard isn’t it, everything, just day to day life, i find going to the shops hard, I always tried to bring him something home, be it a new shirt or just some different biscuits I thought he might like, so now I just get lost or have a mini meltdown, today I saw some little led lights in the shape of rose’s, so it felt right to get them and now they are on his ashes casket , I find it’s the small things, that people don’t tell you about, like canceling his phone nearly sent me under, just not sure if I can do this anymore
Yes…something new everyday…I also keep saying to myself…and her…I can’t do this …but I hear telling me quite sternly that I must…so…one day at a time…is how it is…x
So sorry you too are starting on this awful journey. You are so right that the little things can catch you out and that will continue. However, the all consuming tears and disbelief may ease and become less frequent in time. I lost my darling husband 11 months ago tomorrow and while I still cry and get ambushed by grief, sometimes at the oddest things, I am now having a life. I don’t think and am not expecting to ‘get over’ this loss but I am beginning to come to terms with it and have days when I don’t cry. That was a challenge in itself as I then started to feel guilty for NOT crying but in working on that.
Look at the things you ARE managing and give yourself a pat on the back for each one. Every tiny step is going to make him proud so don’t you worry that you’re not doing so.
I personally don’t care if I need to cry when talking to people. It is what it is and I let it out. If they mind they don’t matter and if they matter they don’t mind. I do think we hide grief too much and that can make it so much harder for those grieving as they think what they are feeling isn’t normal. ANYTHING is normal on this journey and it will have many twists and turns along the way, sometimes doubling back but we all help each other along it.
I have found that being busy helps and, whilst I have no choice in that anyway, I do feel I’m doing better than I would have thought in those early days. I too use the desire to make Richard proud of me to motivate me to get things done.
Sending you love
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. Your husband would be proud of you because you’re continuing to live despite the crippling grief. I lost my husband on 1 March and we had his funeral on Monday. I really don’t know how I’m going to do life without him but I’m determined to do what he’d want me to do and live the life I’ve been blessed with, carrying on his memory by raising money for the Hospice and, hoping that one day we will be reunited. This all feels impossible right now but Pete was such a determined man who faced adversity head on so I know that’s what I need to do. Take each day as it comes and try to think of some happy memories everyday. I am consumed with horrible memories of his pain and what he went through but I try to look at photos and videos of him daily to block those out. Take care of yourself and know that you will get through this x
I’m sure you are doing the right thing in looking at photos from before your husband was in pain and they will hopefully override the bad memories.
I do believe I’ll be with my Richard again one day and then it will be for eternity - which may just about feel long enough to have with my darling.
@Schubert I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. I fully understand your feelings about seeing him pass away in front of you as he did. I lost my wife to Covid after an 11 week battle in October last year. She had successfully fought against cancer for 10 years and was clear but the treatment had weakened her immune system so she could not fight Covid when it struck. She was a beautiful woman but was so ravaged at the end. That was the worst experience of my life and it is the one aspect of my wife’s passing that I am not yet able to deal with and the one that will set me off into meltdown so, like you, I try not to think about it. Your husband would be proud of you in your determination to work to honour his memory. It is early days and these can be overwhelming so post as you need. We are all here for each other. Love and support xx
Thank you for your message. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling, knowing that your wife fought cancer only to be beaten by Covid! That breaks my heart. It is so difficult to filter out those final traumatic days as thry are still so raw. I’ve been told they do eventually make way for happier memories and I long for that for you and me. Keep going, stay strong and be kind to yourself there will be better days ahead but, in the meantime, give in to the waves of sadness and know they won’t last forever x
@Schubert Thank you for your kind words. I have posted elsewhere on the thread Lost my husband to Covid the trauma of what happened. We knew Di was vulnerable and we were able to protect her for 3 years. The hospital could not protect her at all.
I am coming to accept the aspects of grief of what she is missing and me missing her. The circumstances leading to her death are still very raw but I will get there. Love and support xx