My mother died in July 2019 after a long, long decline from dementia. I was her caregiver for five of her final seven years, including one year as her private PCA in a dementia unit. The final two years, when I could no longer lift my mother, I placed her in a skilled nursing facility in my town.
There are so many layers to my grief, and there’s been absolutely no let-up. I cry every single day, and the grief is affecting every aspect of my life. The only, and I do mean ONLY, relief I have is the thought that my mother died pre-Covid, and that’s a terrible thought to take consolation in, but it’s all I’ve got.
I haven’t had mental health therapy since January 2020. My former employer, a behavioral health group practice of all places where I worked as the office manager, made me stop having therapy because I had to miss one hour every other week during work hours to meet with my therapist and they found that unacceptable. I’ve been on a waiting list for a therapist for months (I left the job in March 2022 because I couldn’t take it any longer) but have been told it could be another year, if ever, before a therapist will be available. I wasn’t able to attend my mother’s funeral because my former employer wouldn’t allow me the time off. I’m not kidding. It was egregious in the extreme.
There’s so much more to it and I don’t want to bore anyone. It’s all been extremely traumatic, and I am so very sad. I don’t feel like I’m making any progress at all, and am backsliding into a morass of grief with no bottom to it.
Hello Diane, and welcome to our community. I feel so sad and sorry that you have gone through so much and I honestly can’t believe that any employer could behave in such a disgusting way. I would have thought that USA had similar employment rights to us in the UK but that doesn’t seem the case. I also feel that another year to see a therapist is to long considering the state of your mental health. If you can’t bring that forward then please look at self help groups or even books and other internet site that deal with self help. I know everyone on here will wish you well and we are always here for you. The world has changed because of Covid and things that was simply are no longer easy to deal with due to time constraints but you do sound that you need personal professional help. I hope knowing that someone here feels for you and understands how you are feeling helps.
Please look after yourself and take care. S xx
TRAUMA … I was just about to post about the trauma of losing elderly parents.
Not only did I suffer their loss, the caregiving, the time leading up to death, trying to go on without them … I went to grief support, and counseling still … nothing helps.
It does not help my employment was truncated as well. I was with my mom and dad for years and an an only child, five years later I am still sick.
I should offer words of comfort … but I am not doing well right now … and I saw your post.
I lost my mum to a sudden brain haemorrhage in june 2019.
I remember the day after thinking, I wish a few years would pass now, so I would be OK and have got through the pain.
3 years later I’m in pain all the time. I don’t cry regularly anymore so things are less raw in that respect. But I still think about her every minute, long for her to be back, feel bitter about my loss and hate my life and the fact that I lost both parents before they were old.
I know what you mean about Covid though because had my mum survived her stroke that day, I know she would have hated Covid, the isolation, not seeing anyone and had she caught it, I know she wouldn’t have survived. I thought she was strong, fit and healthy but her post morterm revealed very poor health just waiting to happen.
It’s reassuring to speak with a couple of people today who still feel like this several years down the line
My siblings never helped all the years I took care of my mother. They were too busy having fun, carefree lives while I was the family drudge. In truth, I took care of and watched over our mother for 40 years after my father ran off when I was 16. After our mother died, I never spoke to my siblings again, and I don’t miss them at all. I realize you are an only child; sometimes having awful, uncaring, selfish siblings is just as lonely as being an only child. I never heard from my father after he left, and I learned he died from an obituary I found online.
I don’t really have words of comfort, either; I’m in the same boat as you. I keep hoping this will pass but it’s just not.
I’m sorry you lost your mother so suddenly. That’s very hard.
I think about my mother every minute, too. I keep thinking there’s something terribly wrong with me that I can’t move on, that I can’t get any pleasure out of life. Everything feels like it’s gone all wrong since my mother died.
Berit, I am sorry to hear this but fortunately I will not be changing my address. Ok, UK is not that brilliant at times but I do love where I live. Why people have to be horrible when you are suffering I don’t understand, sad society.
No I didn’t take it as criticism just saying I am staying put. I have never been to America but one day a trip across pond would be nice. It the employer that wants criticising for their disgraceful behaviour.
Hi all, just want to send my condolences to you all, losing any parent is not easy but our mums are so special to us, no matter how much time has pasted it still hurts. My mum died twenty two years ago and we still talk about her, especially to our grandchildren who didn’t know her. @DianeK-2 and @berit, I absolutely horrified on how your employer’s have treated you, so uncaring.
I work in the education sector in the UK and my employer has been so supportive, even now over a year later when I’m still struggling with losing my husband they have supported me fully. They even provide an employee assistance programme, where you can all sorts of advice and councilling.
Sending love to you all
Debbie X
I am so very sorry about those very young lives being extinguished, so very sad.
I went on the Hurtigruten ship to see the northern lights a few years ago and loved Norway. It was very beautiful and I did see the lights, it was fantastic.
Unfortunately, employee rights are not well-supported in the US, even where it applies to common decency.
Yesterday, I accepted a job offer from my county’s eldercare organization. After the terrible experiences at my previous job, I made sure (before and during the hiring negotiations meeting) that this organization has policies in writing in place that treat the employees fairly and compassionately. I scrutinized the policies carefully, spoke privately with some of the employees earlier in the week, and was satisfied. US employees should not have to go to these lengths, but it seems to be necessary.
At the beginning of the week, I was driving (and crying over my mother, of course) and heard an interesting piece on US’s National Public Radio about stoicism, particularly what is known as “new stoicism” or “contemporary stoicism,” and it really spoke to me. The commenter talked specifically about applying stoicism to grief–not suppressing grief in any way, but approaching grief in a way that is more accepting and less visceral/devastating. I studied ancient stoicism in college, and even named my small publishing house after stoicism, I guess I just needed to be reminded that reincorporating stoicism into my life may be the thing that helps me get through the overwhelming grief over my mother’s death.
We shall see. I know that the new job will also help me, as I’ll be doing substantive work helping people with the difficulties and challenges of aging.
I’m so pleased you have found employment that has compassion and decency to its employees. It something we take very much for granted here.
Working in care sector is very rewarding but as you say challenging.
I hope you find comfort in going forward.
Debbie X
I want to get out of he US. I am a reporter and writer in case anyone has any suggestions … the only job I have now is reading the news on the radio …and that is only freelance. but I have a lot of experience … this place is frightening and I am on my own.
We’re gearing up to get out of the US, too, should it come to that. Get your passport and paperwork in order, and start looking for work outside the US, keeping in mind it could take a bit of time to find something. I used to be on-air radio voice talent, too, and I branched out because it is very hard to make a living at that work.