Lost my mum and dad in 2017

My mum died from pancreatic cancer in June 2017, just a month after diagnosis. My dad, who had prostate cancer, died in October, because he didn’t want to live without her. I also lost my older brother in 2012. This has hit me so hard…I really wasn’t prepared for just how bad I feel and just how much I miss my mum especially. And my grief for my brother is raw again too. I work full time, but I come home and cry most nights. The grief seems to be more profound, rather than less, as the weeks go by. I’m having bereavement counselling, but it’s not enough. I wish I knew when I will start to feel a bit better. Nobody had told me to pull myself together, but I feel there is this unspoken expectation that, after a couple of weeks, you just pick yourself up and get on with your life. Any thoughts welcome…

Hi Sezjane,

I’m so sorry to hear that both your mum and dad died in the last year, as well as your brother in 2012. You have had such a lot of loss to deal with, and it can be quite common for a more recent loss to bring up additional grief from one longer ago.

There is no timeline on grief, and it can be true that people tend to under-estimate what a long process it is. Counselling can be a helpful way to process your emotions, but it isn’t an immediate fix. It can also be helpful to talk to people who are going through similar experiences, which is one thing that this online community can offer. To get you started, I have found a couple of recent conversations that I thought you might be interested in.

If there’s anything I can help with, or you have any questions about the online community, you can get in touch with me on online.community@sueryder.org.

Community Manager

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Hi Sezjane.

I just wanted to reach out with a virtual hug. You have been through so much and you will certainly need time to get over it. Sounds good you have reached out here and with counceling though so well done for doing something positive.

I do understand how life can throw things at you all at the same time. I lost a pregnancy closely followed by losing my beloved dad and now I’m caring for my mum with terminal cancer. This has all happened in less than 18 months. You just feel like everything you know is suddenly unstable.

I hope this forum can help you in some way realise that you are not alone.

Ann x

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Hi, I lost my mum 3 months ago having previously lost my sister, thankfully I do still have my dad. Sending supportive thoughts to you

I have lost both parents, mom less than two years and I am still lost without them. But the time passes anyway meaning that it gets better whether you want it to or not with each day ending. I am still in shock that they are gone. It does not make sense and I have learned to keep my grief to myself, even with people who have also lost family. I am an only child and was very close to my mom and dad, so it is really hard. I am surprised I still am here because often times I really do not want to be. But often I just cozy up in bed and go online and read and protect myself from the world, to manage. And I never have let anyone, including family, tell me how long I should grieve. I will do it for the rest of my life, if I choose to. Never let societal pressure in. DO WHAT YOU FEEL.

Another virtual hug from me too.

I lost my father unexpectedly 2 years ago, I was told that I should have been “over it by now” after two weeks. It certainly does feel like society expects you to move on quickly but grief obviously affects us all very differently, and the proximity of your loved ones death is particularly harsh.

I have also been in counselling for approximately 18 months, but I can’t particularly say its helped. Perhaps sharing on this platform will aid in finding some resolve for us.

Hi all.

Just wondered how you were all getting on?

Life is certainly tough at times. My mum is still hanging on but after a 6 week to live diagnosis nearly a year ago, she now really hasn’t got long left. It is so horrid to see.

Hope you are all managing to cope.

Ann x