Lost my mum and struggling without her


I am hoping this site helps me. I lost my mum my best friend, my everything to cancer in January. Mum was diagnosed 14months before she died and I was with her through all of her treatment. She spent her last couple of months at home with myself and my 2 daughters. She passed away in my arms. She took her last breath on my cheek.

My life has changed so much…I literally hate life without her. I know I have to keep going for my beautiful daughters…but at times it is such a struggle.

I lay awake at night going over everything we went through…how she was during her treatment…could I of done anything differently in order for her to have stayed with me for longer. I know it’s selfish wanting her here…but I need that last cuddle…I need to hear her tell me she loves me.

Her final hour alive she was struggling with her breathing…I laI’d beside her and reassured her we will be okay and that she shouldn’t fight nor suffer anymore…I told her to go to sleep and rest peacefully. Those words hang on my every thought and emotion…had I of not said that maybe she would be pulled trough

I am so so lost without her.

Dear Keeley

You sound a lovely daughter to your Mum and I am so sorry to read of your loss. Your Mum was so lucky to be with you at home for her last couple of months and that must have meant so much to her. Being with her at the end is a very special privilege not everyone has and to be able to hold her and reassure her.

I had the same. My Mum asked to come home from the hospital and told me she did not want to be on her own when the time came. I promised she would not be and kept that promise. That was a year ago and knowing I did what Mum wanted has helped me a lot.

I still do not sleep properly, lie awake thinking about Mum and the fun we had. I am so glad I told her everyday I loved her as even though she was not conscious towards the end I feel she heard me and knew I was there. I was too frightened to cuddle my Mum as was so frightened of hurting her. She was in a lot of pain which fortunately Morphine dulled for her.

Like you I crave a cuddle with her so much. I have very few close relatives so cuddles from the family are something I rarely get and would love so much.

You have been incredibly brave. Two months nursing your Mum may not seem long but is exhausting to deal with. I am not going to say it gets better but it gets different. I was told it is an existance at first and that is how it still feels to me. All you can do is try to carry on as best you can for you and your daughters.

Hold your head high knowing you did everything you could and did it well.


Hi Mel,

Thank you so much for taking the time to get back to me. It can’t be easy for you either. I’m so so sorry about your mum.
Whilst I cared for mum at home for her last two months…that was at my house. But from the day she was diagnosed I was with her every day going through all her chemo and radiotherapy. It really was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. To watch her suffer the way she did was heartbreaking.

We were so close. She really was my everything…my number one fan.
That must have been so hard not being able to cuddle your mum. Poor thing.

I thought I would come on here and read the other stories, hoping it would make me feel somewhat better…but reading some of the stories just breaks my heart.

I’m highly emotional and sensitive to everything. I am fortunate enough to have my daughters who are always there for me…but it feels so wrong that they are there for me…when really I should be their rock.

Thank you so much for your kind words…it really was kind of you to take the time out for me.

Look after yourself Mel, remember you need looking after as well xxx

Hi Keeley,

How are you getting on today? did your weekend go well?

I agree reading some of the stories people have to share on this forum is heartbreaking and people have been so brave in dealing with everything that has been thrown at them.

I think it is so lovely your daughters are supporting you. When my Dad died over twenty years ago I hope I was a good daughter to my Mum and supported her. After the initial shock and first few weeks she never showed how pain she felt about Dad and I admire her so much for that.

She was a very strong person and like yours my number one fan. Whenever I had problems at work or wherever she believed in me whatever. No questions just full support. She even waded in to defend me on one occasion and wiped the floor with my boss. I had only just started work at that time and did not know how to deal with workplace nonsense then.

Two months nursing was a long time in some ways but I still had so many things left to tell my Mum and I am missing her terribly today.


Morning Mel,

So sorry for my late reply. I hope you are feeling a little better today. On your low days or moments, what do you do that helps you feel a little better?.

Like you, I feel like everything went so fast from the time mum was diagnosed till her last day, it felt like I blinked and mum had passed. I had so much left to tell her…so much more I wanted to do with her…we wrote a list of things she wanted to do…but we wasn’t able to fulfill that list.

I am constantly blaming myself for so many things. Right now I am kicking myself for selling off a lot of her house…but I had to because I only have a small flat which I filled to the brim with her stuff at the time. Just so many things constantly running through my mind.

I admire your mum’s strength in hiding her pain from losing your dad. I wish I was able to do that for my daughters instead of seeing their mum so weak and vulnerable.

You really have been through a lot Mel, losing both your parents must be so hard to cope with…especially if you had a close relationship with them both. Do you have any children?

I really hope today is a better day for you.
I haven’t long come back from Turkey, went back there to scatter some of mummys ashes over the blue lagoon. Wish I was back there and seeing that lovely yellow thing in the sky shining bright…rather than these dark grey miserable clouds.

Have a lovely day my lovely. You are stronger than you think. I’m not surprised your mum was your number one fan…she had an amazing and loving daughter xxxx

Hi, I hope you don’t mind my reading your messages, I lost my mum nearly five weeks ago and I miss her so much, she was diagnosed in April and we were told she wouldn’t see Christmas but I had no idea we would have so little time. She had two wishes, to stay at home and be pain free at the end.
She stayed at home and I cared for her with the help of carers and Marie Curie nurses. Everybody says I was brave and helped her so much towards the end but I don’t feel I was, I found it so painful to accept that I didn’t say any of the things I should have and didn’t allow her to either.
I also missed her dying so I was not there to comfort her.
I feel I’m not allowed to grieve because I have my Dad here with me and it upsets him to see me upset, my husband who is wonderful in many ways is very unsympathetic and my daughters who I know loved her too seem to be coping so much better than me, their lives seem to be going on as before like she never existed. I seem to be the only one who cares that she’s gone, my Dad has mild dementia so sometimes seems to be in his own little world.
I have to go to my Mum’s and Dad’s bungalow to cry and it just reminds me that she has gone.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over this x

Hello, today would’ve been my mums 65th birthday, she sadly passed away on the 1st March this year. She was diagnosed with cancer only 7 weeks before, afew days after New Year’s Day. Her diagnosis was such a shock and everything happened so quickly that we didn’t even have time to contemplate it all. I had planned a big party for her for today, everyone who was invited came to her funeral instead. The last 5 months have been so hard, there have been ok days, bad days, dark days and days when I haven’t wanted to get out of bed.
My mum was also my dads carer as he is disabled so there have been so many changes for him after 46 years of marriage. He is the most resilant person I know, he gives me strength every day. My mum would be proud with how he is trying to walk and do the things that she wanted to do.
Life is a struggle every day and I really don’t know how I have managed and got through the last 5 months but you do. I so feel that my mum is with me every step of the way giving me the strength and encouragement to make the most of life. I just needed to write this down and share with those of you who are going through a similar heartbreaking situation. Xx

Hi Bella,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I’m 100% certain your mum would have been proud of both you and your dad…you both seem to have shown a tower of strength.

I feel selfish at times when I think of the fact that we was actually able to have 14 months with mum from time of her diagnosis. I also forget to feel more appreciative that we were able to have my mum home with us until her time of passing…when I think of all those people who was only given a few weeks or those who wasn’t even given a day to spend with their loved ones. It’s just so hard because the time just runs away with you especially if you are their primary carer.
I was with my mum from day one of her diagnosis till the end. I honestly thought she would beat it…even though we knew it was terminal.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I haven’t cried for my mum. They say that mums teach us everything except for how to live without her. My mum was cremated and so I have some of her ashes inside of a piece of jewelry which I wear…I also have the blanket that was last on her which I sleep with…I seem to have more down days than I do good and again I feel so inconsiderate for my children as it can’t be easy on them…for one they have lost their nan and two having to see their mum so weak and down. What do u do on the days you are really down in order for you to get through the day?.

My mum was also my nans carer who has dementia. She was an amazing carer for my nan…do when mum was diagnosed I tried to help with caring for nan and mum but I also have my own health issues and so it became so hard to keep up with everything…eventually we had to have nan in a care home…mainly for her safety as she was often found wondering. But since mum died my nan has rapidly deteriorated…she is 93 so we are preparing ourselves for the inevitable…so I’m already having anxiety over that.

My God I could go on forever with how I’m feeling…I’m guessing this is a good way of offloading those thoughts and emotions. Do you have someone with you?

Sending virtual hugs my lovely. It really is very heartbreaking. I’m so lost without my mum…a massive part of me died with her



So very sorry for your loss.
I’m pleased you were able to offload your feelings and thoughts on here.
So far I have been finding comfort in knowing I am able to write my feelings down on here and knowing that someone else fully understands how you are truly feeling.

I felt like I had wrote your message as I feel exactly like you do hun.

I feel I need to hide my feelings from my children…but I just can’t. My mum used to always say I wore my heart on my sleeve.

Mum’s cancer spread to her liver. She didn’t question the Dr about prognosis but I needed to know. I asked them in the October how long mum had left they asked me what I thoughthink and I said a year…they said she had less than that. 10 weeks later she passed away.

The cancer had also spread to her brain and so she became so dependent on me…almost very child like. I feel so lost without her. It is still very very early days for you my lovely. People say it gets easier and I’m sure it will at some point…but at the moment like you I can’t see me ever being my old self again. A massive part of me died with my mum.

Please do feel free to message me when ever you want to. There isn’t anything I can do or say to take away your pain but if it makes it a little easier for you…then please do get in touch.
Have you been giveno any counselling? It may be helpful if available.

Life is so unfair. Sending you love and hugs…stay strong my lovely.
I’m sure your mum is very proud of you for being so strong xxxx

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Thank you so much for your reply. It’s so hard isn’t it. Nothing prepares us for losing our mum and the sense of loss is unbearable. I took my mum to the oncologist appointments, CT scans and she had one lot of chemo during the 7 weeks. She was due to start again the week she actually passed away, none of us expected it to be so quick. She was at home when she passed away which is what she would’ve wanted.
It sounds like you have so much going on, you do sound like you are being strong and I really don’t think that your children see you as being weak. You have lost your mum and it is such a massive loss.
I have found that my friends have been so supportive and stress to me that I need to make time for myself without feeling guilty. They have been my tower of strength.
I spend a lot of time looking at photos and have been putting together a photo album of her life. Being with my dad and brother also helps. I am starting to sort her clothes next week as we haven’t touched them as we haven’t felt ready. I know that this will be an emotional process, have you done this and have you got any advice?
My husband has found it hard as one minute I’ll be the happy positive me and the next I’m hysterical just wanting my mum.
I’ve spent every birthday with my mum for as long as I remember we always went on holiday for her birthday and I remember her 60th like it was yesterday. Today has been an extra struggle but writing down my feelings has helped, thank you so much for your words.
Virtual hugs back to you.
Take care and be kind to yourself. Xx

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I went with mum for all her appointments as well. She had to have radium to her brain as well. Out of all of the chemo which she had quite a lot of…she was absolutely terrified of having the radium to the brain. She was so brave bless her. I watched her from the back room and was able to talk through their intercom thing to keep reassuring her. But watching her lay on that table with her head mask on which they lock to the table…used to break my heart. Our mums were so brave bless them. I also had to shave off mums hair which was so hard to do…she had the most beautiful long brown shines hair…so flipping sad.
You sound so much like me with the photos. I am obsessed with themy. I can’t watch videos of her yet. Hearing her voice sends shivers down my spine. I’ve made so many albums of her so far. Keeps me occupied even though I cry continuously whilst looking at them.

As for mums clothes. I had one month from the day she died to empty out her house as it was a council property. I had to sell a lot as I brought home so much stuffor and I had no more room here.
Her clothes have been put into my aunt’s loft…no, I just can’t do that yet…it’s very early days for you so perhaps put themy aside till you are ready…don’t rush as you may regret at a later date. I regret selling my mum’s car. I just couldn’t drive in it without her…but now I keep remembering her say the car was for me if anything happened to her. Do again I feel I’ve let her down.

I’m pleased you have good frI ends around. You always find who the real friends are during these hard days. I myself has been avoiding them…I prefer to be alone. I just aren’t ready to socialise yet. Sounds terrible buthe I just can’t.

My mum’s birthday was in May so we wrote messages on balloons and let them go. Painful but felt good to know I did something for her.
My birthday she didn’t even remember last year which is when I knew the cancer had spread to her brain…and this year she was the here. Was so hard. No messages…no calls…no card…nothing. I wish for one last day with her to tell her everything I still have left to say.

Feel your pain hunny. Get some rest…tomorrow’s another day xxx

Hi, with my Mum the cancer was already so advanced and so aggressive that they wouldn’t attempt any treatment whatsoever, no chemo, no radiotherapy, nothing!
We were assigned a palliative care nurse who although she was lovely only visited a few times over the following weeks. We applied for fast tracking and received extra care approx 3 weeks before she died.
The carers were great, the Marie Curie nurses brilliant but honestly she needed more care than she was getting even with me there and for that reason alone if it ever happens to me I’ll end my days in a hospice or better still I’ll end my life before it gets to that stage on my own terms.
I absolutely couldn’t bear for my girls to see me suffer the way I watched my beautiful mum suffer those last few days.
I know it’s early days and eventually those memories will dull and I’ll remember all the lovely memories we had prior to then but at the moment it’s all I can remember clearly.
Our GP surgery was not helpful, neither was our pharmacy and the district nurses who were great kept running out of drugs for the syringe driver and I spent the last few days chasing up prescriptions, arguing with receptionist who wouldn’t get an emergency script when I was clearly desperate and who got me to the point of hysterics before another member of staff took over and got me what I needed.
In short I feel I failed my mother over those last days and I feel I’m failing my own family now.
My husband doesn’t want my Dad living with us but I have no choice he can’t go back to his bungalow so I’m trying to buy one just round the corner so he can be a little independent but has me near.
My brother and his wife work during the week so will take my Dad (sometimes!) at weekends but have plans this weekend so can’t.
My husband works offshore so his time at home is precious and try as he might he does not like having my father around 24/7.
My girls think it’s great but their lives as I’ve said have gone on as before.
It seems to have taken a matter of weeks for my Mum to have become a none person like she just was never here and I can’t cope with that at all.
All I want is for somebody to realise how difficult this is for me but they don’t, I know they all miss her too but for me it’s different she was the one person I’d tell anything too and do anything for and who loved me no matter how I was behaving ( teenage years!!!) how will I ever be able to accept this?? Xx

Hi All

Haven’t been around for a couple of days as am moving house. I have been reading all your posts and sitting nodding my head as i see so much of me in them and my poor Mum and her experiences.

Mum was 92 and we were told she had three months if we were lucky, we got seven weeks before she passed away. In view of her age and health we were told nothing could be done and boy was that hard to deal with. I was with her like others through every appointment at the hospital and sat with her through doctor and nurse visits. I never cried in front of Mum in case she was frightened but broke my heart out of her sight. The battles to get prescriptions from the doctor were daily but we had a wonderful pharmacist locally who used to walk roun and bring me everything as it was ready.

I am sitting in th bedroom with Mum’s and my life around me in boxes. It is extremely hard but I tell myself i will get through this somehow.

Photo albums are good but why not try a Memories of Mum book. It was suggested to me on here and i have started one. I jot down any little memories i have, silly things we chatted about. Even her sister has helped me with some things from Mum’s childhood. I looked at it yesterday and it made me smile and remember more things to add.

I hope all your days have gone well today


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So sorry for my late reply.
I have been so so down things just don’t seem to be getting any easier…even 8 months down the line.
Today was yet another day filled full of emotions up and down. There are so many points throughout the day where I would pick up my phone to call or text my mum. I was going through some of her things and came across her handwriting…so bizarre…I actually even miss her handwriting.

It sounds as though you had an absolute nightmare with the nurses. I on many occasions found I was being tested by them. I just wanted mummy comfortable. The nurses and on call Dr’s were useless to be brutally honest. I was fortunate enough to have everything in place for when the time came. It’s just added stress that you could really do without. So unfair. I’m sure you did your absolute best for your mum…just being there when she needed you the most would have been all she wanted… Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You did your best…you didn’t let your mum down at all.

You really are going through it. It sounds so sad to hear you feel so alone. I fully understand you just want your mum. For me I am struggling with my daughters and their attachment to my mum. The youngest was going through her exams and trying to cope with grieving at the same time. Seeing them in pieces breaks my heart all the more.

I’m so sorry I don’t have the answers to make you feel any better. I feel useless as there isn’t anything anyone can say to make you feel any better.

I hope you manage to find your dad a home closer to you which would take a load of your shoulders. Lessen the stress in order for you to grieve.

Take care my lovely. Xxx