Hi, new to forums but thought it might help me to talk to others who are possibly feeling similar emotions.
A month ago, I lost the most important person in my world. I have just turned 40, so I know I’m not a child but my mum really was everything to me. She was mum, dad, best friend, my rock. I saw her everyday as we lived very close.
I just can’t beleive she’s gone. She had been going back and forth to the doctors for a couple of years with problems with bloating and various symptoms but was never properly investigated. They put everything down to her age and the fact she was retired and not as active etc - basically she was fobbed off constantly (she was 68).
Mum had been unwell for a few days and ended up in a&e, after gp gave her laxatives (she had a severely distended abdomen at this point) to cut a long story short - they did CT scan and diagnosed her with a complete bowel obstruction (colon cancer). Mum passed away 2 days later from what I believe was a bowel perforation. She was in a lot of pain and I hate to say wasn’t cared for that well in the hospital ( I pretty much camped out at the hospital so I could do as much as I could myself, I refused to leave her). She didn’t show it but I know she was frightened.
I was desperately trying to get her to a hospice as I did not want her to die in there - in the end she just went too quick. Just before she passed away a nurse had come to tell me they had found a bed for the next morning. Sadly she never made it. I was gutted.
Mum and me were very similar in a lot of ways and could clash at times and get on each other’s nerves - now for some reason all I can think about is all the things I didn’t do for her, the times I was busy and didn’t seem to have time to do everything she wanted (she had been quite lonely since retiring). Of course there were way more good, happy, loving times in our relationship but I only seem able to focus on the negative and feel so so guilty. Because of how quickly it all happened, there were things that didn’t get said that I wished I had etc. I told her how much I loved her but it just doesn’t seem enough. I just feel horrible and would give anything to just have 10 minutes with her (I know that sounds like a cliche).
I have to go back to work soon and as I work across sites in a hospital - I will have to go back to the hospital where I spent the worst days of my life - I am just dreading it.
Million dollar question but when will it start to feel easier?
I am keeping a lot inside and I don’t think family and others know how much Im struggling because I don’t want to burden them. For a lot of people, once the funeral was out of the way it’s like you are expected to just get on wit it.
Sorry for the long post