Lost my mum, my best friend

People ask me to meet up or chat on the phone, but part of me thinks “no I don’t want to be your grief entertainment”. I don’t want to hear some of the gibberish they come out with.
I’ve had she’s out of pain and she’s in a better place. Also, that Mums death could be a positive thing.

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I argued with my mum too daffy because she wouldn’t let me take her to hospital. She was quite aggressive and I stormed off to work slamming the front door as hard as i could.
Later that day my partner dragged her to hospital and found out she had suffered a stroke.
I wish every day that I had used force to get her there. She still may have died 12 days later but at least I wouldn’t feel so guilty

My mum fell the day before she went into hospital. She insisted she was fine. It might have made a difference if we had taken her the previous night too the hospital, as she would have started medication earlier. My partner and I were ill ourselves. We will of course never know if earlier could have made a difference or not.
She could have survived only to have a more traumatic death at a later date.
Thank you for mentioning that you too had a big argument with your Mum. Both Mum and I could both rub each other up the wrong way.
Boxing Day was bad for me.
My partner keeps putting on Xmas songs. I’m gritting my teeth.

I was cross with my mum too. Her refusal to get the X-ray done. Her refusal to take her calcium tablets for her osteoporosis . I said from the beginning she needed a MRI but no one listened. They never listened to me when it came to mum as her fear of drs overrode any common sense. And I was getting very frustrated with her and For dad for allowing Her to keep putting the X-ray off. I of course should have driven home and visited her but because of work and people visiting for their holidays couldn’t get away. And I Of course never suspected cancer. I just thought her spine had fractured because of her osteoporosis. Never in a million years did I suspect cancer.

Our mums werent perfect daffy.
God,we could have right doing dongs since we moved in together. They were part of life and I dont regret them.
What I regret is not noticing her decline in health those last months and the fact I didnt get her to hospital earlier
We will never know if these things could have made a difference but I’m sure our mums would have suffered if they had been at home. The man next door to me died a month after mum and he waited ages for an ambulance to arrive. I couldnt have coped uf she had collapsed at home and would probably be in a straight jacket now if I had witnessed that x

My Mum too had a fear of Doctors and hospitals. She also hated to be separated from me.

Lots of common reactions amongst us joules and if course hindsight is fantastic but the fact remains. None of knew or could have been expected to know what was round the corner

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I would have hated to watch an emergency in front of my eyes. Mum was frighted of so many things, so it was good that she probably didn’t have a clue.
It certainly could have been a better last week for Mum and I together, but it also could have been perhaps worse.
Thank you Cheryl and Jooles for reminding me that we are not perfect and that perhaps perfect endings don’t always happen.

My mum was also completely terrified and first few weeks went into denial but it was her coping mechanism, I was like her bodyguard at consultations making sure no one told her a time frame, by the end it had spread to her brain within a matter of weeks, I begged consultant for operation or even radiotherapy on my mums brain but he told me quite straightforward my mum was dying, a nurse comforted me by saying sometimes when it spreads to the brain it can almost be a blessing as my mum would have been unaware, maybe it was for my mum? But to witness my mum? My own mum? A complete powerhouse of a woman that would have wiped the floor months previous with these consultants soo afraid and vulnerable that was hard to witness. I Just feel with some people I’m part of some pity party when really this has taught me that it can happen to anyone?

My mum was terrified. I asked the drs not to tell her she had cancer. But they said she needed to know. How I wished I had fought them harder. She died two days after they told her. They said she had a few short weeks left. Not two bloody days. She was so frightened. I think the shock killed her quicker. She was so frightened of dying and cancer. On the day she died she was completely unconscious I was so relieved that she no longer knew why was happening. And even though I watched her take her last breath it still didn’t sink in at the time I would never see her again.

The doctors should have listened to your wishes, as who would know your Mum’s personally better.

Hi All
Trisha my father passed away suddenly over the summer in his sleep. He was only in his 70’s. Our common beliefs have taught us that this type of event only happens to really really old people (90’s plus). I now know after speaking to ALOT of people, that it can happen to anyone - Just like you said in your last post.

Unlike y’all, we do not know exactly what caused this. We have a very strongly supported guess that it was a sudden cardiac arrest which has no symptoms and takes place in seconds. He was leading a normal active life all the way to the last moment that my mom saw him before he went to go watch some TV. We can see from what he did that he also felt fine - he did some laundry, did some work, then sat down to watch a show and never moved from that spot. There was a phone less than 3 feet from him, but he didn’t try to reach it.

It stinks that you know what happened to your moms. Just showing you a different view that sometimes you don’t know - both are pretty dismal - it messes with you mentally either way.

One more thought: my big takeaway is that when we are old, and the roles flip, if our kids want us to see a doctor or go with us - we need to let them. Neither of my parents, lets us participate. And look where we all are - feeling guilty or as if we abandoned the parent. Y’all did a great job of being observant and diligent. In the end, they are adults and made choices for themselves. Not sure if that makes you feel less guilty - it helps me to know that.
Ell

Hi elldubs

You just made a point that I wanted to pick up on. I think about my mum not being honest with me about her health and telling me to just go to work when i was clearly worried sick about her. I am very angry with her for this and it has left a lasting legacy with me.
I have told my daughter that i will never take such risks and will seek medical help. My mum even admitted to me the night before she died that she ‘knew’ she had had a stroke on the Saturday. It was the Sunday morning I was begging her to let me take her to hospital and she told me to get lost even though she knew she had a stroke.
What the hell was she thinking of? She left herself alone with a 12 year old whilst I was heading out of the house for 12 hours. Did she think the stroke was going to go away?
When she told me this i didnt question her as I didnt want an argument the night before her surgery but I was going to ask her when she was home from hospital and tell her off. Unfortunately I never got the chance. Sometimes I think she got out of that one nicely!

You’re right about the age thing as well elldubs.
I had no concerns at all about my mum. I didnt think she would die for 10 or 15 years and I thought we would see a very slow decline. People are dying in their 60s and 70s frequently. So much for a life expectancy of 82 for women

Did they not do a post mortem elldubs? X

Hi Cheryl,
Its not fair about your mom. It was and also mostly was not her decision to make because of how it effected YOU! All we can do now is just try not to make the same mistake with our family when it is us.
They only do autopsy in the USA if there is foul play or the person is very young. All others are by request and a fee. That part does not matter because we would have but after family discussion we decided that my dad would not want it (we know because he said in many various joking conversations) and so we honored his wishes. Part B to that is unfortunately cardiac arrests do not show up because it is electrical, there is nothing to see and is a finding of elimination - basically the PM would have been very invasive and likely find nothing. Since that was the most likely cause based on the circumstances, we opted not to. It has been mental torture and the first few months were nearly impossible but I do think that after 6 months, all of us in the family have come to terms with it and are accepting that we made the decision that we did.
The history: My dad’s primary doctor saw something different on his EKG a year plus ago and sent him to a cardiologist for evaluation. He would not let me or my mom go with him to any of his appointments. There were findings and could be benign - no effect or could have not been - depending on unknown factors that could cause a rhythm disturbance. But none of us knew this - and he may not have either. He did not tell us anything other than he was fine and passed the stress test which was his number 1 concern. We found out his clinical diagnosis afterward, and even knowing that was not super helpful because what he had can be benign (or not) . He needed more testing for further fact finding some of which he refused because he thought it was nuts and he felt fine! So that is on him. But then the stress of his decisions got passed to us.
I have gotten past all of that because I have no other choice. I wish he would have let me attend his appointment or read me his chart or told me anything at all but for whatever reason he did not. That was his choice and obviously a bad one. I had to get past it or else it will drive you into really bad health.
Ell

Of course elldubs, i understand.
It’s not usually a choice for the family in the UK. There are 5 different criteria for having a PM here. Usually if someone dies suddenly at home, their death wasnt anticipated and they hadnt seen a doctor in the last 14 days then a PM is done. That was the case with my dad 21 years ago.
With my mum a PM had to be done because my mum had an operation 15 minutes prior to her brain bleed. The coroner had to know if any fault could be attributed to the hospital. The post mortem ruled this out and determined that mum had a spontaneous bleed on the brain unconnected to her surgery.
This was a huge relief to me because I felt that mum would still be with us if she hadnt had surgery.
It doesnt bring them back and there are always unanswered questions even if a post mortem is done.

I’m stating perhaps the obvious, but is strikes me that we are all pretty traumatized by it all. I know i certainly am.

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Definitely daffy. Mum was told that there was a 1 in 100 chance of death for the operation she was having.
With those odds we hardly batted an eyelid
When I was called by the hospital I just cou6kdnt take it in and still cant

Yes for sure traumatized Daffy.
It will improve for you even though that may seem impossible to imagine at the moment. I hardly ate the first three months, was a bit of a hermit, I did not know who I was anymore - I could not find me in all of the mountains of grief. Now, 6 months, I don’t feel even close to as bad as that and I find myself making jokes and enjoying the mundane like normal. Early on, I had lunch with a friend who was 8 months in at that point, and I remember the look in his eyes as he observed my anguish, a stage he was already past, he kept checking on me after that because he had just gone through it. I appreciated that immensely, it gave me hope even though it was foggy. You will feel better in time, and that will not diminish your memories or loss, but you will be you again.
:space_invader:
Ell

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