Lost My Mum My EVERYTHING

My mum passed away Saturday and I cant cope with the devastation and grief. She as fought Lymphoma for 5 years but in June was Diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer and fought all she could she was so brave but deteriorated this last week, stopped eating,needed a commode,stair lift and in horrendous pain and passed 3 days ago. She truly was my bestest ever friend, I spoke to her at least 4 times a day. She held my hand through 7 years of Infertility and 7 IVFs believing she would never be a nanny as i am an only child. Then a miracle happened i became pregnant on the 7th IVF and I gave birth to twin boys, OMG she idolised them and them her. She got only 2 years with them before being ripped away by this damb cancer. I was with her when she died lay behind her kissing her. She was on the syringe driver and hadn’t opened her eyes all day, then she suddenly opened her eyes wide open, pulled herself up so she could see behind to me,looked straight at me then lay back down and passed. What was this?

I cant eat, cant even function on my 2 babies. The pain is unbearable. I just need a sign from her that she is still with me. I dont think I am strong enough to get through this. I have started taking strong painkillers to numb the pain/reality and some of mums sleeping tablets so can see this slippery slope but cant stop. Ventured out today with twins but hated everybody who looked like they had their mum with them. My friends say they are sorry but they dont understand they have still got their mum. Cant face Christmas but everyone says I must for my 2 year old twins. Oh Mum please show me you are here with me

Hi LisaJulia,
I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.
I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other
support services in your area.
Sue Ryder also offers online bereavement counselling. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. Find out more and register:
https://www.sueryder.org/online-bereavement-counselling
You deserve care and support so please, LisaJulia, get in touch with one of these services.
Take care,
Hazel
Online Community Team

Hi

There is nothing I can say to make you feel better and I’m sure you’ve heard all the “cliches” but just know that there are so many people on here who will respond to you and feel your pain, so please come on here to get things off your chest.

Sorry to hear about your mum - it is still such early days for yourself and your emotions will be all over the place, especially with 2 young babies to care for aswell! Everything your feeling is “normal” when it comes to grief and you don’t have to do anything you do want to. In the early days, just take it day by day hour by hour. Do you have friends/family you can talk to or that can help with your twins??

It’s been almost 9 months since my mum passed away and I still feel everything you’ve posted above / the upset the struggle and the lonilness. Big hugs xxxxxx

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Tasha,
Thanks for replying and understanding. One of the twins as got suspected autism so will not let me out of his sight. I wish I could pull myself together and focus on the twins but I am only able to go through the motions of feeding cleaning them etc these last few days which is not like me. I am living on coffee and the house is a mess. Maybe I will be able to get a bit of strength after the Cremation on Monday?

Ahhh you must have your hands full! Do you have any friends/partner etc that can help you?

Don’t expect too much from yourself…it’s a whirlwind of emotions! You don’t have to be strong or brave…If you need to cry/be angry etc then let it all out xx

Hi lisa Julia
I’m so sorry to read about your mum passing so recently. I think she was saying goodbye to you when she opened her eyes,sat up and looked behind at you.
It us such early days for you that the shock will carry you through, I promise. Things wont get better for a long time but they will improve slightly on what they feel now in order for you to function. One if the things that keeps me going is my mums love for my 12 year old daughter. My mum helped bring her up with me and would be devastated if I wasnt looking after her and giving her a good life. Your mum loved your two children and you have to honour her memory by taking good care of you and them.
Trust me,I know this isnt easy. I lost my mum suddenly to a brain hemorrhage 5 months ago and have felt so low, depressed and not wanting to go on with this life, but I will and I do for my mum, my daughter and my partner.
Please take as much support as you can from family, friends and this site, which has been amazing.
Cheryl x

Hi. LisaJulia.
‘What was this’ you ask. It is said, and it’s also my belief, that at the last moment there is a flash of clarity in our loved ones. They suddenly see beyond the pain and see clearly what awaits them. The shutters of this world are drawn away and they see clearly.
She is still with you and you will feel this in your heart as the initial grief subsides. At the moment the pain is so great it will be difficult to even think let alone plan anything. Your children need you, and your mum would have wanted you to love them and bring them up with fond memories of her.
It will be difficult and heartbreaking at first, but all of us here are with you and know.
Take care of yourself. It’ so important you do for your children.
Blessings.

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Hi Jonathon123,
Thanks for the lovely reply and I hope what she was seeing was something lovely and pain free.
I am really struggling today, not much crying just feeling depressed,sad,numb,just want to sit here and sleep or stir in to space. My poor little boys must wonder where there mum as gone. I was always playing with them and laughing and singing and dancing, will this ever come back?
I am so desperate I joined a Free Spiritualist website and cant believe they actually charge 50p a minute, they just prey on desperate family members wanting a sign

Thanks Cheryl,
I think without this site I would crumble.
Its lovely when friends say they are there for you but unless they have lost (which none of mine have) they cant understand how you feel. My best friend as a newborn baby girl just a week old and I cant face meeting her yet, so feel so guilty about this as well. I love what you said about you have to honour her memory by taking good care of you and them.…I just dont feel strong enough at minute will this come in time?
Thanks again for listening

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Hi,
It will come in time. I am 5 months in and still struggle greatly but still find the strength to look after and love my daughter. As devastated as I am my daughter keeps me busy and going. My mum would be so upset to know how her sudden death has affected me. I will not let her down by neglecting my health or my daughter.
It’s not easy but you will get there x

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I think she wanted to check you were with her before she passed. One more little look at her baby. My mum hadn’t seen her sister for 10 years and two hours before she died (she was unconscious all day and i had said our goodbyes the day before). my aunt walked in she said “little sister it’s me give me a cuddle”. And my mum opened her eyes and held out her hand. It was a precious moment. They can find that final strength before they go. She wanted to see your face one last time.

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Thank you so much for your lovely reply. I think in time it will help me to remember that special moment. Oh wow I miss her so much, my beautiful,kind,wonderful mum x

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I’m so sorry for your loss. Having watched my dad for his last 10 days of life last year I recognised what was happening with my mum the day before she died. But the last afternoon we spent together she reached out for a hug and kisses. I’ll treasure that moment for ever, I knew what was coming and I think she did too.

Our memories are what keep them alive in our hearts and all around us.

I found a poem in a box of love letters between my mum and her husband that struck a chord…

Oh my gosh that poem has made me teary. I miss my mum so much. My heart physically hurts all day every day. My lovely mum. I can’t believe she isn’t here

Same for me joules.
Ive had a bad couple of days.
I just miss her so much. How has she been gone 7 and a half months? It feels like she is going to be at home when I return shortly

I can’t believe it either. I can’t accept or even comprehend that my and Mums life together is over.

I’m sorry if it made you sad. It makes my cry every time I read it but I can do hear my mums voice there. I keep reading and re-reading it. It’s soothing in a weird way to me.

I’m writing to my mum. I found a lovely book and sit down and tell her what I’ve been up to and how much I miss her. There’s no-one else in the world I speak to like that. It’s hard not having her reply but I fell in still sharing my life with her.

Me and mum travelled a lot together visiting her bucket list. She still had a couple of destinations left that I’m going to see. I’ve kept her brightest beautiful sunshine yellow top to wear when I visit, a little part of her will come with me and see the places she wanted to.

I just keep thinking of all these ways I want to not commemorate, because that sounds to final, but share with her… OK now I’m crying sat at the railway station…

Wonderful poem Scarlet. Thank you for sharing. It is sad to read but also really right and appropriate. I’m sorry for your great loss. It’s strange, I haven’t written anything to my mum but I do often say things like in a one sided conversation. I can actually hear her reply in my head too. It’s all in my mind but it’s so easy to hear her reply because I know exactly what she’d say and how she’d say it. In that regard she must be living on in me.
I love the idea of the bright yellow top! Your mum will be with you wherever you go.

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It was mum’s funeral yesterday I read the poem. I wasn’t sure I’d manage but after a struggle I did it. Still feel foggy can’t quite believe she’s physically gone. Miss her so much it hurts to breath, my eyes burn and I’m lost. We’ve lost both parents in the space of 8 months, 67 and 68. At 42 I’m the oldest in my immediate family. How do you do it?

Life is very unfair scarlet.
Losing both parents in such a short time and in their 60s.
It’s awful being the eldest as well
Just my sister and I now. She is 47 and I’m 48.
Well done for getting through the funeral and reading the poem.

Cheryl x