I very suddenly lost my Mum on Sunday, I was the one to find her. She had suffered terrible mental health for years. It’s her birthday on Wednesday, me, her, my brother and my dogs were meant to be going to Dorset on Monday for a week for it. She was my best friend in the entire world, I’m completely lost right now. I’ve had so much support, especially from my Dad and step mum, they live in Spain and he flew over the next day. Despite all the support I feel so very lonely. I’ve been staying with my brother but I’m going back to the flat I shared with my Mum on Monday. I’m terrified to be alone. How very sad that we were meant to be going away on Monday but now I’m going back to our empty flat. I know there isn’t anything to make it better but any advice would be greatly appreciated right now. I’m at a complete loss.
Hello @LucyF90, I am so sorry about the loss of your mum. I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support soon, but I wanted to share our Bereavement information with you. The immediate days and weeks after losing a loved one might feel unreal and impossible to navigate, and we hope our guide can help.
We will be thinking of you on Wednesday. Please do keep reaching out to us here - you are not alone.
I am so very sorry Lucy. I lost my Mum 13 weeks today suddenly and we also lived together.
It can feel like a tsunami of emotion, numbness and shock certainly in the beginning.
Is there someone who can come and stay with you at the flat? I don’t have much family but my step-granddad has stopped me a few times and in the early days a friend even slept over.
Please do reach out on here. Even if you are just posting how you feel or want some online company. You wont be judged, we know exactly what it is like.
Sending gentle hugs
Thank you so much for responding and I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I’ve got a friend coming to stay with me tomorrow. I feel a strange kind of comfort being at home where we were always together but it also feels very strange.
I know there isn’t any way to make it easier but how did you manage on the times you were alone at home? I’m watching light hearted things to keep me distracted but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Sending lots of love
I’m glad you have someone with you and anytime you need someone do reach out to them. If people say they will help, take them up on their offer.
I’ve watched a lot of light hearted things too and my tv taste in some things has changed. I used to listen to music a lot but haven’t since as I know it’s still too much of an emotional trigger
In the first weeks when I went to bed I put on a channel on Pluto TV that showed the Beverly Hillbillies on loop in the background!
Mum and I loved comedy and always said her favourite thing was to hear me laugh. Well I’m not necessarily in the mood for rip roaring laughter but I try and watch something funny each day:night. When granddad stays we always end the evening watching a comedy. Working our way through old Keeping Up Appearences and the like
Also found game shows, something I was never big on, soothingly distracting. The 1% Percent Club, The Bridge, Pointless
Sometimes I do need to lean into the sad feelings and just let it out - be that crying, swearing! I’ve used this place as a sounding board, have the grief works app and a notebook I just keep writing memories or thoughts in. It’s whatever feels right for you. I wish there was a specific road map or magic wand but there isn’t but at least here we have other people who understand.
If you want to private message please feel free. I am a bit of a night owl so tend to check in at night too
Hope you have a gentle night and that being helps
Thank you for being so kind. I definitely need to take up peoples offers, I sometimes feel like I might be a burden which I know is ridiculous.
Yes music is something this I’ve been avoiding for the last week, it’s far too much for me right now.
I think keeping the tv on overnight is a good idea, the background noise just makes you feel a little less lonely.
I’ve found myself sticking to comedies I’ve watched so many times as it’s a comfort to me. I’ll give game shows a go too.
Yes sometimes you just have to let it out, keeping it in doesn’t help at all. I’m really glad I’ve found this site, it makes you feel like you aren’t so much in this alone.
May I ask if you plan to stay in the same place you shared with your mum?
Thank you so much, I’m a bit of a night owl too so you’ll more than likely hear from me later on in the night.
Your advice is invaluable to me, so again thank you.
Yes, we just need to take it a day at a time for as long as it takes and take help when we need it. I too worry that I am a burden.
I will be staying in this house. We have lived here 24years an mum was fiercely proud that as a single mum she was able to leave me a house. So I am very lucky in that respect. Mum wanted to get the house. Ack to how it was - she was always so house proud and loved decorating etc but in the last few years was unable to due to pain and that caused her mood to deteriorate but we kept pushing. It did me with me working full time from her and increasingly caring for her the house got messier etc. I like to think by looking after it now I am honouring her. Found a New Years resolution list she had made the year before and it included get the house painted right through etc
In her last week I had moved her downstairs, removed the dining furniture and created a little makeshift bedroom for her She adored it. We were confident a second knee replacement and we’d have her back to full strength soon and back upstairs. She kept saying she was excited to see what I choose for new furniture, she wanted me to choose. As it turned out she had a sudden and unexpected cardiac arrest.
I have had someone paint the living dining room and used the money that was refunded for our flights we had booked later this year to buy new furniture. I hope she is looking down and loving it
Sorry what a long waffle. But that’s what makes this site great. Sometimes you just have to let it out. You just want to tell your tale and others here listen and understand
It’s mad to think we are a burden when we are dealing with the worst thing that could ever happen to us. It’s hard to think it’s my mum I need in this kind of situation and I know I could never feel like a burden to her.
She would be so proud of you keeping the house then, that’s a huge thing to do after spending so many years there with her. Of course we don’t want to erase them but I think decorating or changing things can really help. It’s my first full day at home and I went and bought a throw and some cushions for the sofa, the thought of her not sitting in her usual seat was too much to bear and this slight change has honestly made all the difference, plus the dogs approve!
Your mum would be so proud with you doing all the changes that she wanted for the house. There is no doubt that she will be looking down and loving it.
Cancelling a holiday you had booked is a real tough one. We were meant to be going away next week, she would of been 59 on Wednesday and I keep thinking of the great time we would of had. But then I also think of all the great holidays we did have and I can look back on that fondly.
Please don’t apologise! It’s so wonderful to hear about your mum and it’s so obvious how much you loved each other. It brings me some comfort too, you seemed to have the same relationship as me and my mum and it really does help. So many people don’t have that close bond with their mums and although it’s hard for anyone to lose them I think it’s on another level when you are the best of friends and live together. Not many adult children live with parents, people used to be a bit shocked when they found out I was 31 and living with my mum but I would never have had it any other way. It adds that extra bit of heartache when you have to be in the space you shared without her there. I suppose when you live separately you can escape that side of it.
Imagine how incredible it must be for our mums to have daughters that speak so highly of them and love them as much as we do.
Just wishing you a peaceful and gentle Sunday.
We sound like echoes of each other!
Has you friend arrived today? Hope that helps
Bit of a tough one as it’s a week today. Am currently at my brothers and my friend is meeting me after.
Thank you so much for checking in.
I hope your day has been a better one.