Lost my mum to cancer

My mum died on the 4th April this year. She was only 60 and died of breast cancer which went to her brain.
After she died I barely cried because I went in to organiser mode with the funeral and helping my Dad. I also have 2 young children and a house being renovated so felt I had to keep it all together. Today we buried her ashes alongside her dad and brother. I didn’t know how to feel at the moment. I keep telling myself that she can finally rest now that she is where she wanted to be but really I just feel even more upset because now the funeral and burial part is over she really is gone. It’s all starting to effect me now. I haven’t been able to sleep properly for a couple of weeks now and I feel emotional all of the time. It’s like it’s all bubbling up inside of me and I’m afraid to let it out in case I explode and have a breakdown. My son was really close to my mum. He is only 4 and keeps asking me questions about where she is or why she isn’t coming home and I’m struggling to keep it together to be able to talk to him calmly and explain it to him. I don’t want to get upset in front of him because he will get upset. I don’t know how to talk to him about it. My daughter is only 1 so she is unaware but then with her I worry that I won’t be able to keep the memory of my mum alive for her as she gets older. I just want to be strong for them and do the best for them but I don’t k ow how to do that when I’m feeling weaker in myself every day.

It often happens that at first before the full impact sets in, that we cope fairly well. Organising the funeral and so on takes our minds off the immediate problem. But when all is done it can hit hard. I had that experience.
If it’s all bubbling up inside you let it out. Bottle up emotions is not good. Who cares what others may think. Emotions are there for a reason, to help the grieving process.
Have you seen your GP? If you are getting little sleep it could be the cause of your anxiety. If you have a caring doctor then so much the better.
Don’t try and ‘go it alone’. I knw you have family around you but even then you can feel so lonely.

Once again it published before was ready.
Perhaps the best thing to say to your little boy is that Gran has gone on a long journey and may not be back for a while.
I do hope you find just a little peace. Take care and you are far from alone.