Lost my mum

I lost my mum on the 9th of January and I’m finding it really difficult to cope, she was the only family I had and I feel so alone.

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Hi Dean,

So sorry to hear about your loss. Feeling alone is horrible - it is also very normal response to grieving. You have lost your mum and that is going to be painful but in time you will find that you build a life around that loss and it will be easier to bear.

I have lost both my parents now too, and it is a weird feeling. I have felt very lonely sometimes despite having my own family around me. I’ve started counselling and that has really helped - having someone I can pour my heart out to once a week is really great right now. I don’t think I’ll need it forever but it’s helping. I think Sue Ryder offer counselling or you might be able to get your GP to refer you.

Other suggestions to ease the pain are crying - letting the feelings out - although it’s not something you can make yourself do - and writing a letter or note to a loved one about how you feel now they’re gone. Just writing your feelings down can be very therapeutic. Although you will feel sad of course but that sadness is connected to the love you shared with your mum, which is a special thing.

Getting out for a walk or meeting friends for a cuppa and a chat just to distract you are also good ideas. It’s only been a month so give yourself lots of time - everyone is different but it can take up to 18 months before you feel like you’ve got things more in perspective. Grief is a bit like a rollercoaster. You can feel fine one minute and wobbly and insecure the next. In time you will be able to remember the good things about your mum and look back and smile without so much pain.

Take care x

Hi and thank you for your message. Feeling alone is really horrible and that’s how I keep feeling right now, even though I didn’t see her much towards the end I still feel like there’s a massive hole in my world. Right now it’s difficult to think about the next day but in time I hope I can build a life around things and look back to all the wonderful memories I have of us. I’m sorry for your loss of both parents that must have been hard, my dad was never around so it was always just me and mum. I have booked in with a counsellor next Friday and hoping that will help a little. It’s been nice to get my feelings out on here as I don’t know many people, specially going through this sort of thing that understands where I’m coming from. I’ve only really cried a handful of times but it has helped, I have small children three girls under 5 and have tried to keep it together in front of them, so it’s been difficult. yes those are the exact feelings I’m getting right now, I even find myself enjoying a moment then remembering my mum’s past and I just come crashing back down again.

I read a great book called Overcoming Grief. It helped me realise what I’m going through is normal. I think that has been the hardest part - I’m not used to feeling this pain.

I’m sorry you have some unresolved stuff about your mum’s past. Im sure counselling will help a lot. Don’t worry if you need to cry in front of your kids. It will teach them that it’s ok to be sad sometimes.

I think we are not taught to grieve in this country. Stiff upper lip and all that. It’s not always the healthiest way. Having a good cry and a wail is much better for you. Even if you need to do it a lot right now. It might seem odd but try to go with the flow. Your whole system had had a shock and it takes time to recover from that. I have no doubt that you will. When I’m feeling a bit lost I always say to myself, just put one foot in front of the other and keep going. The insecurity will pass - and it does.

I think that’s what’s wrong with me, I’m just not used to feeling this intense pain.
I never really looked at it that way but your right, having a good cry and feeling like I can weather my children are around or not will teach them it’s okay to be upset sometimes, I grew up thinking you had to hide your feelings of sadness.
I couldn’t agree more with you, people expect you to be okay and be able to carry on but like you said before grieving is important part of coming to terms with loss. I still feel a bit wobbly just walking down the street so I know I’m still feeling shock. Thank you so much for getting InTouch, this has really helped.

Hey Dean,

So glad I can help in any way. I have found this forum so helpful.

I had a real wobbly day the other day - don’t know what set me off. Sometimes it’s just when someone is nice/understanding!! Put my sunglasses on so no one could tell I was crying in the street. Managed to keep it together when I was at work then let it all out in my apartment.

One thing I read was it’s a good idea to write down feelings in a grief journal. Sounds sad but then if you have time to do it every few days you can perhaps manage when you can let those feelings out a bit more, leaving you less overloaded with emotions at other times. Having said that I haven’t tried it much, but it sounds like a good idea.

Take care.

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I have done that too, I was in a taxi and started getting really overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, I held it in and soon as I got home and shut the door I cried by myself and let it all out, I felt so much better for it. Yes I might give that a go aswel, it’s just hard to find time to write things down. I can imagine it would help release some of those painful emotions. I’m getting feelings of anger and anxiety aswel, sort of ‘why me’ and angry that my mum would just leave me like she did.

Anger and anxiety very normal responses too - it feels very unfair sometimes doesn’t it? In time you will accept it, but it does take a long time fully take on any big change. And even when we accept it, those painful feelings are so strong. They become easier to deal with over time.

I realise my pain is so strong because I had a close relationship with my dad, and I realise I’m lucky to have had that. Dad had lots of his own issues but he loved me and of course I miss that unconditional love. We are lucky we both have kids so we have that kind of love in our lives.

It sure does feel unfair. Yes I’m hoping in time I can accept it and look at moving forward with life. It’s nice that you was so close to your dad, I was like that with my mum she was my only parent and would walk over hot coals to make sure i got everything I needed. She protected me right up to her dying day and I’ll never forget that. I think I’m like you and just miss the unconditional support and love that she gave. Yes definitely I’m blessed all mine are real daddies girls I just feel bad I can’t be there for them like I want to right now

Yes I felt like that too. I felt like I was losing my mind sometimes honestly. But I wasn’t. My kids are a bit older so they sometimes feel a bit sad about losing their grandpa too so it’s good they know I’m sometimes crying about it. But generally I’m much more on top of everything now. It’s not easy feeling a bit useless is it - I’m used to feeling pretty content and “sorted” so it came as a bit of a shock. We are all human though. I’ve had the odd unsympathetic comment from a “friend” but most people totally get it if you bring it up. It’s just that I think if you are not going through it right now you probably forget what it feels like - a bit like once they are sleeping through the night you forget all those broken nights of getting up to feed the babies.

Yes I feel that at the moment, like everything’s just fell apart and I can’t cope.
That’s nice that your children understand and miss their grandpa, my kids don’t really understand what’s happened my eldest knows something not right with her daddy and keeps comforting me with kisses and cuddles. My mum didn’t really see my children for the last year and half of her life, so they don’t really know who she was. It didn’t really help me having to go to her house in the hours after she died, it was not a nice sight and will stick in my mind forever, she was so alone in her own grief and nobody knew she kept it all to herself. my best friend has really shocked me, he’s not once asked how I’m coping or tried to be there, it really makes you realise who really matters and who never did at times like this

Hi there,

Yes friends sometimes don’t match up to expectations but then again, if they have no idea I think it’s hard. I don’t expect my friends to really understand - I don’t think most people know what to say at all once the initial funeral etc has passed. Losing a parent is surely a rite of passage and unless you’ve been through it it’s hard to be empathetic. That said everyone grieves differently.

I do think that in time you will feel different about everything and it might be nice to see a friend who you know won’t bring it up - someone you can have a night out with and switch off from your feelings. There may be other people you know who are better with empathy and they’re probably the ones you will feel you can talk to more.

I’m sure you will mull over the circumstances of your mothers passing and her final months etc as I have with my dad. Life is never simple and we all just do our best with what we have to cope with. Your mum chose her path and I couldn’t change my dads either. He was a grown up too. It’s easy to feel guilt and very common in grief but try not to beat yourself up.

I need to keep reminding myself of this too - grief does make you feel vulnerable sometimes and that’s when doubt can creep in.

Take care. V x

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Yes I can imagine it’s hard for someone like a friend to understand how your feeling at such a sad time. I guess I just thought more of him than not hearing anything at all from him since the funeral. I just feel alone and like there’s no support from anyone I know, I’m guessig that’s just part of grieving aswel, feeling alone and empty. It must be hard for someone to try and understand if they haven’t had it happen to them. I’ve felt a bit better this morning, I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting my feelings out over this site to people who understand what it feels like. yes that’s true she did choose her path and there’s nothing or no one that could have changed her mind, god I tried! Yes it’s so hard not to get into the beating yourself up cycle, I keep doing it day and night about the things I didn’t do or could have done more of to help, but she never told me what was really going on.
You take care too x

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