Lost my Mum

I lost my dear Mum at the end of October 2020 - she was my best friend and I miss her every day. Have never experienced the loss of someone so close before, and I feel lonely and torn apart inside. Mornings are my worst time, and lockdown is making it even harder to cope. I don’t know how I get through each day, as I feel so overwhelmed with the grief. I shared everything with my Mum and was very lucky to have had such a wonderfully close relationship, but not being able to talk with her now is just unbearable at times. It’s made me realise that it’s not until you experience the true depth of grief that you fully understand how it can affect other people - a total life change.

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Hi Hockeystar3,
I’m sorry you’ve lost you Mum. I lost my Mum suddenly in October 2019 from pneumonia and a heart attack. It is still very early days for you. I found going to bed an hour earlier every night helped me cope with disturbed nights sleep.
Do you have some suppport? A partner or family?

I too misss my long conversations with my Mum so much too. The loss of my Mum made me truly comprehend how very precious all life is.
Do have a look at other posts. I’ve found this forum a great comfort. You are not alone.
Take care.

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Hi I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum very suddenly in October 2020 too and I feel everything you said very deeply. Everyday is hard and the person I want to hug and make me feel better isn’t here anymore. I’ve never lost anyone this close to me either. Nothing prepares you for the grief. I find my grief comes in waves now usually at very random moments. Some days worse than others.
I just try to be thankful that I did have a wonderful relationship with my mum and I try to keep going as she’d want me to.
Talking on here does help. Even if it’s just somewhere to let your feelings out and know we understand.
Take care x

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Dear Daffy - thank you for your reply and understanding, and I am sorry that you have also lost your Mum. I am fortunate that I am able to sleep, but it’s when I wake up the reality hits me and that’s when it feels so hard. I lived with my Mum to look after her, so facing this alone in the pandemic is extremely difficult, although I fully realise there are many other people now going through similar suffering. I think it will be perhaps better when lockdown is lifted and we can all meet with friends again. Thank you for taking the time to reply and take care.

Hello Lynn - thank you for coming back to me, and I’m really very sorry that you too experienced the loss of your Mum in October. As you say, the very person who would make it better for us is no longer here, and that’s what I find so hard. Mums understand their daughters and we had such a close relationship too - looking back we did have some wonderful times together, and for that I consider myself very lucky, but the void inside really hurts so much. I try to stick to a plan of what I am going to do the next day, as having lived with Mum to look after her, having too much time now is not a good thing, especially in this lockdown - I can honestly say I have never experienced loneliness like this before … I never would have done with Mum nearby. It’s hard, but I’m grateful for your kind words, and hope you find comfort in between the moments of grief. Take care x

Hockleystar3,
I was a long term carer for my Mum. I lived with her too. I do understand how hard it is and how raw it can feel.
The pandemic is a terrible added pressure. Hopefully, summer will lift us all a bit. The only thing any of us can do is take it one step at a time.
Take care

Sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Mum on new years eve.
I agree lock down makes grieving so much harder.
I am struggling with laryngitis and so can’t manage long phone calls.

Dear hockeystar3

I completely understand. I feel exactly the same. I lost my Mum on 8th December and am totally lost without her. Mornings are awful, I dread waking up and having to remember all over again. I don’t know how I get through the days.

My life is so different to how it was and so am I and I will never be the person I was when my Mum was here.

I hope you find some strength by coming here. It has helped me to share my feelings, something I’m not able to do with the people around me.

Dear NJL - I’m sorry that you lost your Mum too, and can empathise with how you feel at the moment. To be honest, I think we get through the days simply because of our Mums and the relationship we had with them - we still want to do it for them. Having said that it’s hard, and some days are certainly worse than others, but as the time goes on, that intensity isn’t quite so overwhelming every single day - it’s still very early days for you, and as tough as it is for us, we just have to literally take each day as it comes, and go with the feelings and emotions that they involve. Is there really no-one that you can confide in outside of this forum? It’s so important to talk - and it’s all I wanted to do when I lost my Mum - I don’t think I’ve ever been so open with my emotions to be honest, but just walking and talking with someone has certainly taken me just to a different level of comfort. My Mum’s funeral was actually 8th December - I hope when the time came for your Mum’s service you were able to reflect on the day with the same pride that I felt. The bond is irreplaceable so just accept how you feel as part of the grieving process, and if it’s all too much on some days, just check back into this forum - that’s what we’re all here for. Take care x

Hello Jean, I’m sorry to read that you lost your Mum on New Year’s Eve, which is obviously very poignant for you, and also to hear that you are now unwell with laryngitis when all you probably want to do is talk with friends and family. A very tough time for you, and I do understand completely. Grief is such a powerful and painful emotion - first time I’ve ever experienced it. We can only hope that releasing lockdown will make it slightly better for us. At the moment, it’s difficult to be distracted with any social activities so our Mum’s are in our minds all the time, and it’s extremely painful. I hope you feel better soon. Take care x

Hello hockeystar3

Thank you so much for your kind words.

My Mum’s funeral was lovely - I made sure it was as unique as her and I spoke about her the way she would have wanted me to: with humour and love and fun memories.

My partner and I are struggling as he has lost his dad but he doesn’t grieve outwardly at all and doesn’t like to talk about it and I don’t feel encouraged to talk to him and when I have, he seems to take my grief personally as if I’m saying he isn’t enough. So I avoid talking to him about it.

I have some very supportive friends but I don’t feel able to unload all my pain onto them. I have said when I’m having a bad day and they are very supportive but I’m finding it easier to pour my heart out on this site rather than to my friends.

I never envisaged anything like this and my Mum would be desperate to comfort me and make me feel better.

Thank you for your support xx

Hello NJL - It was something that I always dreaded, but nothing prepares you for the intense feelings of grief - as you say, the one person who knew us more than anyone and could comfort us and say the right things would be our mums, and now they are not there anymore, it leaves a massive hole in our lives. I sometimes talk to my Mum’s photo, or even when I’m out driving maybe - it helps a bit I suppose, but I miss the response! I have to think that she is with me still in some way as that’s what keeps me going - who knows if they are not watching our every move or guiding us in some way.
Lovely that you were able to contribute to your Mum’s funeral in the way you know she would have wanted.
If this is your outlet to share your grief then do what works best for you, and in time you may just find a friend or family member who you feel comfortable enough to truly share your pain.
I truly understand how difficult this is for you.
Take care x

hockeystar3, thank you so much for your kindness and care when you have your own grief to deal with. It really is appreciated.

And I talk to my Mum all the time and I firmly believe she is still with me as the love doesn’t just disappear. All that love and care that was lavished on us all our lives is still there, I’m convinced of it. Like you, I miss the reply. I miss the fun, the laughter and the friendship. Mums and daughters really do share a special bond.

Thank you for your care xx

FB33
Hi all, I lost my mum in Jan 2020. I’ve been looking at these posts for over a year now, however never wrote on it. To be honest, when I read all your stories, I actually find that very overwhelming. I was very close to my mum, and don’t even know what to do or how to deal with it.

My way of dealing is to shut it out as soon as it comes into my head. However I feel I should not be doing that, and should be letting all the wonderful thoughts about her come in, but I find that extremely painful and overwhelming. On some of the recent posts, one thing really stuck with me and is what I experience. I am getting through day by day, however every morning when I wake, I have an awful sickly stomach turning feeling that just does not go away.

I dont talk about my mum with family or friends as I find that really upsetting. However as I’m a year down the road, I’m considering trying an independent counsellor, as I dont feel I can continue in this way, it is also exhausting. If anybody could recommend a counselling service, please let me know. You are all very brave people.

Hello Fb33
I think you’ve taken the first step. I lost my Mum 10 weeks ago and I have considered grief counselling but didn’t feel ready when it came to it. If you feel you’re ready then you should go with that. You don’t have to continue if you feel it’s not for you. I registered with the service offered by Sue Ryder on this website and they were very kind and understanding when I declined the offer made to me. I think I will have counselling at some point but for now, I have found this forum to be very helpful, there are some very kind people who manage to offer words of comfort even through their own struggles.

I have never experienced a loss like this, it has completely changed my life and me. This isn’t something you can just get on with and I’ve learned that you have to deal with a lot of it alone as only you know how you feel.

I hope you manage to get some comfort from this forum or at least it helps you to realise you’re not alone and you’re not the only person feeling the way you do.

FB33,
I’m sorry you’ve lost your Mum. I found sharing my grief on this forum extremely helpful. Just getting things off my chest helped lift some weight. If you keep posting, you’ll find that people are really supportive. I’ve been fortunate to make a few friends here.
My Mum passed away suddenly 16 months ago and I’m still grieving heavily. It’s still very raw.
Sue Ryder does offer a councilling service. i haven’t used them yet, but I know I could try them at a later stage.
Take care

Hi NJL, thank you for your reply, I’m truly sorry about your mum, and it is still very new for you, Thanks for the tip about counselling. I’m not sure about it, and I prrobably wont be ready, I just feel i need to try and do something to try and move forward. I agree nobody can prepare you you for this, it really is a life changer. I lost my dad 5 years ago, and struggled with that, in fact I dont feel I have dealt with that at all, I was really close to him too, but for whatever reason my mum is a totally different level. I was super close and connected to her,

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Hi Daffy123, thank you for your reply. I am very sorry about your mum. Sounds like a few months before I lost my mum. It does help a little on here, knowing other people can sort of relate to what you are going through. However I find, just typing about it, or reading others stories, can be upsetting. That;s why I’ve been reading these posts for nearly a year on and off but not wrote anything, as my strategy has been to constantly shutting it out, to try and get through each day. Just thinking about her upsets me, if I’m honest. However I’m hoping as time goes on, I can start opening up, thinking about her, laugh about things and remember all the great times.

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