Lost my mum

I’m not sure where to start.
The beginning i guess…
In January 2020 my mum had pleurisy, she went for an x-ray on her lungs and found out she had lung cancer. She was then 55 and worked full time as a landlady at a pub where she lived. The end of February i traveled up to go stay with her for a few days to attend an appointment about the cancer. Then lock down happened so i stayed with my mum instead of going back home to my partner and her 2 kids. Then April arrived and it was time for her biopsy on her lung to find out what type of cancer it was. The morning after the biopsy my mum was in the kitchen as i brushed my teeth in the bathroom at the side of the kitchen. I walked out and saw my mum bent over sideways on the kitchen side, i looked round at her face and her face looked melted on the left side. She was having a stroke and i knew she was. I was able to save her life and get the ambulance there as fast as possible. She spent weeks in hospital, she was left extremely disabled. The hospital put it down to covid and not the biopsy. Even though she was negative for covid. I then became her 24/7 carer as i was the oldest of 5 kids. I did all her physio with her at home. And she made excellent progress. She was still disabled but not as bad. Then the results of the biopsy wasn’t clear so she had to have yet another biopsy! The results came back as stage 4 but they thought treatment could still work as it hadn’t spread anywhere else but surgery was a no go. Then June came and chemo started, i wasnt prepared for how much hard work it was gonna be, giving injections and sorting medications and checking temperatures every few hours. My mum responded badly to chemo and ended up in hospital often. The 2nd round of chemo almost killed her. she was in hospital for 4 weeks and they told us to prepare for the worst. But my mum being the strong fighting woman she was, pulled through! She couldn’t finish chemo. The results came back as the 2 rounds of chemo actually did something it shrunk it down to stage 3! By now my mum was always poorly, she couldn’t control her bowels anymore and she was so ashamed. I always treated her with respect and dignity and i often told her if the tables was turned she would do the same for me. Then it was time for radiotherapy, that wasn’t as bad on her just made her extremely tired and made her chest and throat sore. we finally got her a bungalow which she loved. and in October she picked up and was doing so well she could shower alone and hoover up and walked in the bungalow without her frame. Then in December she went downhill again, couldn’t eat…high temperatures again. So she went back into hospital and they released her after a few days. But she wasn’t getting better , so she was on different medications again. Then January came and i decided an ambulance was needed again, i knew something was wrong. They was expecting to release her on the Tuesday, but then she got worse. on Thursday night i got the phone call i never wanted, mum was dying and i had to go say goodbye to her. Mum had signed a DNR. i went to see her and she told me to go home, she didnt want me there i know that…and i had to leave after 4 hours there. I couldn’t see her die i just couldn’t. Before i left i video called all the family with my mum, told her everything i needed to. The next day she was still alive so the rest of my siblings was allowed to go say goodbye too as she had been moved to a butterfly room and put on palliative care. My brother decided to stay the night with her so she wasn’t alone. Then 9am on the 30th January my brother called me and said he was so sorry, shes gone. That was it, my mum gone. I remember screaming after the call. Ive moved 5 times in the past year because i cant go home, my mental health is too bad for my partner of 6yrs.
My mum lived an absolutely wild life, she was my best best friend and was my safety blanket. I couldn’t save her this time. I feel guilty for not being there in her final moments. Even though i know she didn’t want me there. I have random flash backs, i have nightmares that i wake crying to every single night. I’m so lost now. And i miss my partner who i love deeply.

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Hi Becki
I’m so so sorry on the loss of your mum. I understand totally the emptiness and pain you feel having lost her, I too found this website by chance and am here as I also lost my own mam.
Ours stories are quite different, but the relationships we have lost are very similar. It’s a loneliness I never believed could be possible.
It sounds like you have helped your mum so much and she will have appreciated that. I’m sure she will have known that not everyone has that level of support that you gave her and how lucky she was to have you. Hugs to you and know that you’re not alone with your feelings x

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