Lost my mum

I lost my mum in September, 6 weeks after she was diagnosed with cancer. Was very fast and there was a lot going on in the family, now that things have settled in the family I feel lost. I think I must of been in shock and had a lot to focus on when she first died but I started to struggle before Christmas (as to be expected) but it’s my getting any better. I cry (every day) there’s no trigger, no warning. I have got no patience and have lost my temper a lot at home and at work. I have 2 brothers who haven’t really been in touch much since she died and my children are grown up and rarely home. I’ve taken on a second job to try and keep myself occupied. I suppose I’m just looking for reassurance that I’m not mad? Things will get better?
Also (sorry for the long message) the night before my mum died she was in pain the nurses have her pain relief and a muscle relaxant, I have nightmares that she was alert but couldn’t move it open her eyes, I keep imagining that she was trying to speak to us etc.

Rach76

I too lost mum around 2 weeks ago and again to cancer and overall she had been ill for a period of around 8 weeks. Like you I have brother and sister who throughout the process haven’t been much use and similarly I had focused on helping Dad arrange everything so my attention was on that and also the eulogy and speaking at the funeral. Now that its all over (Monday this week) I don’t have that focus and its hitting home. Of course your not mad and I suppose its a natural form of grievance in wanting to keep busy and keep your mind preoccupied and I have returned to work today so I can be around people. People keep telling me that it will get better but the pain wont go away, it wont replace the loss of mum and to focus on the memories and keep those in mind when feeling low or upset. Mum sounds like your mum in that she too was unresponsive but could hear us and we had a couple of occasions where we talked to her and a tear ran down her face, her mind and hearing was still there and like you she was trying to communicate with us. Here if you need to chat xx

I found it easier to go back to work straight after the funeral. I know we never get over losing our mum. Let’s hope time does help. Thank you for your reply.

I lost my Mum 4 years ago this April to a secondary brain tumour. When she passed I was numb, but then my brother and I cared for my Dad as he was diagnosed with Dementia. He passed away last March. From the moment we got the diagnosis until he passed away I hadn’t grieved for Mum as I was so busy caring for Dad. After Dad passed away the numbness and shock came again. But around September/October I started to have feelings of uncontrollable rage. It got so bad that even my 14 year old daughter was terrified of me. And believe me when I say, that wee girl is afraid of nothing!!! I love my family but I couldn’t control my emotions. It terrified me and I was afraid I would hurt them or me. My husband along with my best friend braved the storm and sat me down and finally got me to talk. As I talked I felt the anger and rage leave me to be replaced with sadness. But as we kept talking about the memories we had of both Mum and Dad, I started to smile and laugh at the crazy things Mum used to do usually with me along for the ride!!! Christmas was hard but I got through it because of my husband!! He gave me the moral support I needed and still do need. I have never spoken to my brother about what’s been going on as I know he’s trying to deal with everything too and I don’t think piling more on is the right thing to do. What I’m trying to say is that it’s ok to keep busy but we also need to grieve or, like me, we will explode. We need to talk about our loved ones and keep them alive in our hearts. I’m sorry about the long reply.

Caz

Thank you for your rely and I can very much relate to the anger side of things as I too a this moment in time, juggling family life with my 2 girls who are 5 and 3 and also looking after dad and going over after work and at weekends to make sure all is okay and stuff. But I seem to flip at my girls and its the smallest thing and I know when it happens its wrong and my wife is amazing and has been an unbelievable support and I am trying to keep busy with work and hobbies. I know in time it will subside and hopefully everything will settle back down. xx

Hi I’m new on here but I lost my mum in August to dementia. I’m finding anger is my biggest issue at the moment too. I’m usually very calm and happy go lucky but now I fly into a rage at the slightest thing. It worries me a lot because I’m not doing much crying which i expected to be doing

Have you asked for counselling? I have but there’s a massive waiting list. I’m hoping that helps when I get some x

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Hi, have you asked for counselling? I have but there’s a bit of a wait. I’m hoping that helps xx

No but I’m considering it. I’ve signed up for the video assessment on here.

Hi

No and if there is a wait then i will probably hold off now and maybe try to see if I can manage and work through things by talking more and being conscious to take a moment when i can feel things building and to also continue to listen and chat to others such as yourself, sharing does really help enormously

Joanne

Your not alone and I only said the other day that I hadn’t done as much crying as i had expected to, but mums passing wasn’t sudden so I had pout his down to being prepared for her eventual passing and had I suppose already put some coping mechanisms in place. Like you I am flipping at the slightest thing, everyone tells me this is normal and this will subside so just keep talking and sharing as I am finding this is helping x

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Yes I think you’re right. My mum had dementia for about 5 years and it was a very slow decline over this time except for the last year or so when she rapidly declined. It was a very stressful time so there has been a certain amount of relief but I feel almost robbed of my chance to grieve properly. It’s hard to remember how she once was and how close we were x

Grieving will never leave and that’s one thing I am certain of and many have said, again advice I have been given is to remember her as she she was before the illness and not as she was at the end and those positive memories and those funny times will eventually suppress the current feeling of being anger and not being able to grieve as any normal person had it been sudden. I suppose in both our cases we are to be grateful of having that time and having those memories even in the illness stage, whereas some people when its a sudden loss are deprived of it.

As a man the one thing for me is I am not afraid to get upset and cry and thats helping me cope with things knowing if i need to I can although maybe not as much as i had thought. Also in the back of my mind is maybe in 3-6 or 9 months time there could be a trigger that causes me to grieve, who knows but for now I keep just thinking of the happy memories.

Keep talking and sharing and if you ever need to rant just do it on here and you never know that may well help overall xx

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