Lost my partner 3 months ago

i lost my partner 3 months ago now its really hitting me hard . everything was normal one minute then he was not himself the next he said he was having a panic attack and i wasnt to fuss over him, he had COPD and his breathing wasnt that good anyway late back last year he was admitted to hospital his oxygen levels were very low he survived that but early in january he had a pain in his leg he always suffered with cramp in his legs it lasted nearly most of the day .the following day he said my legs fine now 2 weeks later the respiratory nurses called to our home the asked if there was any problems i menstion is leg that was on january 22 on febuary 6th he died a post mortem had to be done the results was a DVT in his leg which lead to a pulmonary embollism i have been blaming myself for his death but really the nurses should have followed up about the pain in his leg we were very close he was my life everyday i have flashbacks of the way i saw him die the paramedics were trying in vain to save him but deep down it was not going to happen.

i feel im struggling to carry on i go to bed in the early hours i dont sleep because the anxiety gets out of control i cry throughout the day my partner is on my mind 24/7 in the daytime im exhausted i have our son living with me but he s lost his father as well as myself the 2 of us are not coping with our loss

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Hi
I lost my husband last year in the first lockdown it’s a long hard journey I have my son living at home his 27 he moves out next week to his own place. My daughter and granddaughter have moved back in with me after splitting with her partner. Like you can not sleep I did get medication from my GP to aid sleep that was 2 months ago I stopped taking them did not want to get dependent on them, some nights are better than other nights. Like you say everything goes through your mind
Hope you manage some sleep x

Blame is all part of the grief, I think I should have called for help sooner, I should have looked after him better, I probably gave him covid - we both tested positive same day - I shouldn’t have let them switch the machine off. I have a big, list of blame in my head.
You are still in early stages, all that you describe is what is happening to me 14 wks after losing my husband to covid. Wee bits of normal creeping in, not OUR normal, but a new normal that I have to contend with. I hope your family, can understand what you are going though & can support you. We here on this forum totally understand, many are in the same black hole, though some are seeing chinks of light ahead. I hope I see that soon. Keep posting, keep talking, takes some time but support is here for you.

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I know what you mean. I do the loop about should I have noticed something, should I have asked him to get checked out, should I have stopped him going on the run? (He collapsed and died whilst out running - don’t know why yet). I know as I’m doing it that it won’t help, it won’t bring him back - but your mind keeps doing it anyway. There are no answers are there? Fate just seems to have been very, very cruel.

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hi kim reading what you said about medication from your GP i decided to give the surgery a ring in the morning see if that may help me i can give it a try . when you lose someone you have spend most of your life with its like u dont think its going to happen to you i have got good friends they invite me to they homes but when you see they husbands there to it hits a nerve knowing i got to come home to no one back last year i would be visiting my friend come back home and the kettle be on how things change im only 59 i thought we would have had a bit longer together i knew the last 2 years he had been struggling because of the COPD plus he had 2 major ops back in 2019 the surgeon only give him 10 per cent surviving he was put into intensive care he pulled through that the following week or so he was taken back to theatre his wound had burst he ended up with a stoma he never really got over that 10 weeks in hospital . from being active he never complained he always said to me i should be looking after you not u looking after me we were everything to one another i was the one who changed the stoma he couldnt face it i could have done it blind folded it never bothered me because i loved him so much the last year or so he was nt gaining any weight he went down to 7 stone 2 the dieticans tried everything his appetite was pretty good he loved his strawberry tarts but the weight just wasnt coming on him . i never saw him being unwell i just wouldnt accept it deep down its just the way he died that day i get flash back of every moment of the way he died we would have been together 32 years in may his words to me was he always said you the best thing thats ever happened to me . as i write this to you im heartbroken but like alot of people they are suffering through losing they loved ones just hope what people say one day we will meet them again well i hope theres truth in that because thats what im holding on to he was my first and last love no one could ever replace him xxx

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Hi
I’m 59 my husband felt unwell last December 2020 went for tests for bowl cancer waiting 2 months for results he was losing weight rapidly I was constantly on the phone to our GP the hospital I knew something was serious he had x-rays which were documented red alert to have scans in the February with the Covid situation he did not get a scan until March which revealed cancer of the bowels and pancreas he was due for a operation a treatment plan was been put in place but to late his bowel ruptured and died 3 days later. Before this Mick was healthy fit. It’s so hard a different life like you say you get home there not there. 37 years with Mick we both retired him at 60 me at 55 from nursing done everything together. I did go back to work part time I was bored he always said why are you going back. How could I have been bored at home with him. He loved been retired. Like you say we never think it’s going to happen to us. What a hell of a journey. I hope you get sorted with your GP. Take care x

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sorry to read about what happened to your husband like i mentioned in my last text its hard to get our heads around grief i have found some comfort tonight by explaining what my brian went through to you but it doesnt change the fact its very hard and scary what the future holds now last christmas we talked and he was hoping he could have built himself up to take me for a weekend in december for my 60th birthday but thats not going to happen now we had lots of things we had planned to do . i have brians ashes it gives me so comfort but the last few weeks the shock as subsided and now the reality of not seeing or hearing him as really hit me hard i just hope it will get abit easier because the way im feeling laterly im struggling to come to terms with it well thankyou for taking the time to read what i had to say it does help when theres always someone thats dealing with losing someone so close well goodnight godbless xx

Hi
I hope you managed to sort something with your GP. Every day is hard I think just after a year I’m coming to terms with it. Have to move forward for my family as hard as it is. It does very slowly get a little easier it’s very early for you still I never thought I would go on after Mick died. Like you say it’s the future without them new lives we don’t want. Take care x

hi kim im still waiting for G P to ring me . i would have prefered face to face but its telephone consultation first . it was an awful day yesterday i didnt know what to do with myself the more the days are passing the more i miss him i just hope in time i will come to terms with it . i know its early days but the feeling s of missing him are awful xx

Today is a bad day for me too. I just want to be with him. I don’t really have any plans for today but I wouldn’t mind what they were if they were with him. I just don’t want to comprehend him not being around to hug and talk to.

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so sorry you are feeling like this today . its a horrible feeling when they not around anymore you miss they voice and seeing them . perphaps if you went for a walk that could help you rather than being in the house im telling you this and my son tells me the same but i dont listern i tell him i will do it later but i never do . before i lost my partner i didnt have time in the daytime at all now i finding i got to much time on my hands and i cant cope its even come to the stage i hate living in this house i think to much and think about the day he died it was so sudden i didnt see it coming xxx

I try to go for a walk most days - a different friend comes each day but today I couldn’t arrange anything as I was waiting for a phone call from the GP. It’s quite rainy here as well which doesn’t help. I will probably try to see my mother-in-law as she is obviously suffering too - she shouldn’t have had to bury her own child. This has caused so much heartbreak

thats a lovely idea by visiting your mother in law she s grieving as well . the weather in wales today is dull and looks like we may have some rain . the day seems like never ending its only 1 o clock now and we still got along way to go yet . perphaps i might ask my son to take me for a drive later this evening might visit my aunty i have a small family theres only me and my son live together i have a daughter she lives in cardiff she has her family so i dont see her much she rings for a chat most night s

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