Lost my partner 7 days ago

My partner died last Sunday. He was an alcoholic and I’d moved out to care for my mum but just a couple of doors down from him. We were still friends but I told him we would not be a couple again until he gave up the drink. We saw each other regularly and I got him to hospital on 2 occasions the last one before he died. Each time I couldn’t stay with cos of Covid. So I feel guilty and I think his family ( who never saw him or bothered with him) blame me. I know I had to put myself and my mother (who I care for ) first or I’d have had a break down. But this makes me feel more selfish

How very sad for you. I think guilt appears within grief for everyone regardless of the circumstances. We all wonder if we could have done anything to change the end result. You were put in a hopeless situation and I’m sure, as you say, having to care for two people with their different needs would have taken its toll on you.
Personally, I think you made the only choice you could. It’s always the same and such a shame that those who comment are usually those who offer the least help in any situation.
I also believe that those very same people always blame others as a way of diverting the guilt from themselves.

I hope you find peace in your heart xx

Hi Mand3, I think you’re the least selfish person that I’ve come across on here… The fact you were trying to take care of your mum your husband and yourself is an impossible task.
It’s not like you abandoned your husband you tried and let’s be honest it takes two you couldn’t have fixed him without him actually willing he needs help and doing something about it.
Dee is very right in what she said it’s easier for his family to divert and blame you then admit they gave up on him.
So please no selfish talk because no sane person could accuse you of being that.

Still I’m sorry for your loss and the hardship you’re going through you hang in there and stay strong

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Thank you both for your replies. I guess it just takes time and grief will come and go in waves. Talking helps and getting out of the house. Went out for first time in a week and chatted to a new friend who seems very caring and patient. It helped. I’m sure I’m getting paranoid about everything and everyone but deep down I know it’s not as bad as I imagine. I imagine we all feel lonely in times of bereavement and it seems there’s no one there to help. But it seems even neighbours you barely know are willing to listen / and when desperate why not reach out - I’m glad I did.

I absolutely know how you are feeling. I lost my partner around the same time. He too was an alcoholic and although he had been sober nearly a year, the physical affects were too much for his body to recover from. Loving an addict is a whole process in itself, please believe I understand that part.
My heart is broken and the overwhelming feelings are constant in every minute. If you would like at some point to chat, please do message me.

First of all so sorry for your loss . I lost my partner 7 years ago . Very similar circumstances to yourself . I couldn’t be with him anymore because of loads of stuff on his part . We had been together 9 years . We were still friends though but he also became quite mentally ill after we split . His family didn’t bother with him during his breakdown and he was found dead in his flat . I was very close to his family but 2 years after he died they stopped talking to me and started to blame me for his death as they had to blame someone and it would never be themselves. I still don’t talk to them 5 years on xx

Honestly, you are not selfish, but I understand, I tried and failed to give my partner CPR. , I felt I had failed. But it was meant to be, both our partners, were due,not our fault they went. Your feelings of selfishness will.fade I hope, remember the good times, not the bad, as for his family, if any one is to blame, they should shoulder, more than you. Hope you find some peace.

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Thank you so much. I will probably need to chat at some ungodly hour - and this is a cool way to do so. So will most likely contact you when the grief gets too much to bear. Thanks again x

Sorry to hear about your sad experience. Your ex partner being found in his flat alone must have been heartbreaking. That was my fear for my ex too. I actually managed to save his life during the past two months on two occasions- but somehow some of his family have twisted this onto me and it hurts so much. I am feeling more positive now as I have been told that I will be invited to his funeral but will not be allowed any input. My home is now full of various possessions I was allowed to take from the home we shared together and the task of sifting through all the old memories feels overwhelming - I’ll get round to it someday soon. I hope you have started on rebuilding your own life and can forgive his family for the hurtful way they have treated you. Take care of yourself.