Lost my partner of ten years to suicide

Two weeks ago my boyfriend of ten years, sadly and regrettably took his own life. I am absolutely devastated and left feeling totally alone, lost and confused, everything I’ve known for a decade of my life has been ripped from me, we were planning to travel, have children, I had encouraged him to go to university, as far as I knew he seemed so happy, however in the last month leading up to his passing, he became extremely paranoid, worried that people were after him constantly, I researched his symptoms and noticed they reflected signs of psychosis. On several occasions I gently approached him regarding how he was feeling and calmly asked him to help me understand what was going on for him, he found it difficult to explain but as he became more and more paranoid I began to increasingly worry about his health, i asked him whether he’d consider speaking to someone but each time i calmly brought it up, he would become even more worried. Luckily he had developed a good relationship with my family (as his hadn’t spoken to him properly in six years) so I asked him if he’d feel comfortable talking to my mum, she’s a counsellor and although she assured me she wouldn’t necessarily be counselling him, she’d be happy to be there for him. Anyway following him talking to my mum, there seemed to be an improvement and the paranoia somewhat subsided, however he still didn’t seem himself, I tried so hard to ask him how he was feeling, I never pressured him, but he became very closed, in the week leading up to his passing, he was extremely withdrawn, he became very paranoid about our phones and was still so closed to me, I became more and more concerned, I wish I had phoned a gp, or my mum again but he appeared so distressed regarding using the phones to contact anyone, it was very difficult to get help. Now I’m left with overwhelming guilt that I didn’t do more to help him, I’d give anything to have our last day together back and talk to him more, or at lest try. I’m also battling with even more stress, as his parents (who were practically non existent in his life for over six years) have completely taken over everything regarding the funeral arrangements, they’ve stopped me having contact with the police which means I’m not allowed to go and see him one last time, they have taken everything he had on him when he died, which includes several things we had bought together (such as his necklace he always wore) and won’t let me have it, they have taken the keys to our flat and I’m worried they’re going to let themselves in and take things, even though we’ve lived together for ten years, I have given them a lot of his stuff, but it appears it’s not enough, I’m worried they’re not going to let me have any his ashes or stop me going to the funeral, if I wasn’t heartbroken enough them excluding me from everything is absolutely tearing me apart, please help me, I’m so lost and sad, I can’t imagine a life without him :frowning:

Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s completely understandable how lost and sad you are feeling at the moment. Is there anyway you could arrange to meet with his parents, maybe with your Mum there, to talk about all the funeral arrangements and that you’d like to be involved?. From reading other posts I do know there are several members who have experienced the suicide of a loved one - I’m sure they will be able to perhaps give you other suggestions. Please make sure you keep talking to your friends/family and posting on here. You are not alone and there are lots of caring people on the forum. Take care x

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your boyfriend to suicide, and that you are being excluded by his parents - it sounds as though this is making your grief even more difficult.

Do you have supportive people that you can talk to, such as your mum? It’s really important to have outlets for your feelings, whether that’s by talking to friends and family or writing things down here on the Online Community. You might be interested to read and reply to this recent conversation, where you can find Alana, Fi and David62, who have all lost their partners to suicide: Suicide - Losing a partner.

There is also an organisation called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (Sobs), which offers a helpline, local support groups, and email and online support.

The grief you are going through isn’t unlike mine, my partner too had mental health issues, emotional instability, and addictions, not forgetting childhood trauma, which I believe triggered off the aforementioned problems.
He wasn’t very close to his family, therefore I never really knew them, if I had met them 3 times for 10 minutes at the most, so a polite hello, how are you, goodbye, and that was it.
The next time I had contact with them, was when I had to tell them their son was in ICU, and in an induced coma, as my partner begged me not to tell his family, as he believed he was going to recover, and I did as he asked, as he was ashamed of what he’d done.
Anyway, as for his family, they dealt with things pretty quickly regarding possessions etc. and at the time I thought OMG your son is barely cold and you’re doing all this, but, with grief comes anger, you want someone to blame, and looking back now over the past 7 weeks, I thought a lot about his parents reaction to his passing, maybe they’re feeling guilty in some way, maybe your boyfriends parents feel the same, and they feel that that want him back in the ‘family fold’.
Maybe write them a letter, or get someone to write it for you, who can explain how you’re feeling, and tell them your trying to understand how they’re feeling too.
A few kind words can go a long way, and maybe once the anger has subsided, things may change your situation.
The grief that suicide impacts on you is massive, just keep writing on here, it’s very therapeutic and helpful.
Take care X X

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