Tomorrow it will be one month since my partner walked out of the door at 9.30am to go kayaking with a friend. At 12.33 he died of a massive heart attack. He was fit, healthy, happy, full of life. No underlying conditions. It’s his birthday on Monday - 3rd August - he will be 62. I have lost the love of my life. I still cannot believe this has happened. I think I’m still in shock, but the reality and magnitude of it reaches in and pulls me backwards into a deep, dark pit. I cannot contemplate a life without him - it seems too cruel that he has been snatched away. I know there are many people going through this and now I’m one of them. My father died suddenly and unexpectedly on 23 July last year. It feels like all the people I love are being taken from me. Rebecca
Hi Becks, so sorry that you’ve had so much grief in such a short time. I do understand that the suddenness makes it so unbearable. Both my Mum and Dad died very suddenly , but not recently, and my husband died very suddenly 3 months ago. I still can’t believe he isn’t here, shock has a strange effect on us and I feel frightened and nervous , wondering what else is going to happen. Everything feels wrong without our men and birthdays and anniversaries are indescribably painful. Malcolm’s birthday was a couple of weeks ago and our wedding anniversary yesterday. … Heartbreaking isn’t strong enough to describe what it does to us, living without them is such a nightmare, no one told us it would be like this did they. Sending love and will be thinking of you on Monday and sending you a virtual hug xxxx
Dear Bjane
Thank you very much for writing to me. I am also very sorry for your pain and sadness. I guess we come to this site as it is reassuring in some way to read accounts, and hear from, those who really understand how this feels and just how awful it is. The world goes on, people still laugh and worry about the trivial things in life, while we are suspended in pain. Yes, we know time will help to heal, yes we know we should be thankful for the time we have had, yes to all of that kind of stuff; but the point is we don’t want a life without the person or people, when you feel your purpose has gone and living on memories won’t sustain us forever. Thank you for understanding and sharing. One second at a time. R.
Yes, you’re right Becks, we do know all that stuff, heavens, everyone tells us often enough, though kindly. The truth is, no one has a clue unless they’ve lost a partner, it’s the worst grief I’ve ever felt, totally different from any other. The love of your life has gone, unexpectedly with no chance to even say goodbye and tell them you love them.It just takes away your reason for living and I must admit I feel bitter and jealous when I see couples chatting, shopping, holding hands, all those ordinary little things that were part of our lives, once.Even worse when out with our son and fiancée last night there was a couple at the next table in the restaurant texting. They had their phones out and didn’t speak or look at each other the whole evening. That made me feel so bitter, I would have given anything to have had Malcolm there on our anniversary. I wanted to tell them to wake up and appreciate each other while they could. I guess that’s true, you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. But we have to remember we were lucky with what we did get. Do you have family Ours, I can’t say mine, have been amazing but there’s always that massive crater in our hearts that can’t ever be filled by anyone else. Keep posting and sharing, xxx
Hi Becks “suspended in pain” that is a perfect description for how I feel as well. Dad died on January 8th and my John on June 7th. We were supposed to enjoy life after Dad died as we had looked after him for 19 years. The grief losing a father at the age of 95 was bad enough but John was there to comfort me. We just have to keep going as we have no choice it seems. We have had our happy lives and future ripped away from us. What did any of us do to deserve that?
Hi Becks,
I am so sorry that you have joined an ever growing group of people searching for meaning following the death of a much loved partner. All we can do at this stage is put virtual arms around you and gather you into the fold.
The shock of losing the love of your life so suddenly cannot be overstated - as you say there are no words to describe the magnitude and reality of it. My husband also never came home having suffered a fatal arrythmia while out with our son. It happened out of the blue and I still struggle to accept he’s not away somewhere making his way home. Like your partner he was fit, happy and so full of life. It’s the loneliest of experiences but hopefully you will find a variety of coping mechanisms on this forum. Some of us can simply offer a place to listen, others can offer reassurance to help you through those moments of panic which engulf us. My father died five months before my husband, traumatically following a fall and I was heavily involved comforting my mum never imagining for one moment what was round the corner. You are right - the world is very cruel. None of us here ever imagined what our lives would become and together were trying to make sense of it.
I hope you will gain some comfort knowing there are people here who genuinely understand and will listen. Take care
There seem to be so many of us that are suffering multiple bereavements and trying to cope. Nothing touches the grief of losing a partner. That special relationship is unique to people who spend every moment together and are so attuned to each other we can guess what the other is going to say before they say it. We did laugh. I just wonder where he is now and if he is OK without me. He relied on me for so many things as I did him. 
Goodness, so many parallel experiences and so much suffering. Who knew? Thank you for welcoming me to a group that none of us would ever have anticipated being, or wanted to be, part of. Just extraordinary. I hope all of those who have left us are at peace and will keep near, particularly those that suffered so profoundly before they died. My partner always said he would want to go with a bang, doing something he loved. He got his wish - albeit far too early. One friend wrote to me to say that my partner would want me to be happier for knowing him, not sadder. I guess that’s what we all need to strive for. Here’s to us all getting through this together!
Yes Becks, we’ll get through this together with virtual hand holding and hugs. And John’s wife, I could have written that post, every word of it. I have often found myself at home, just staring into space and saying out loud, “Where are you!?”It seems impossible that they can have just disappeared , where can they be?? Wish we knew. Sending love to all 
x
Hi everyone. The question I ask myself more than any other is 'where are you
I just want my beloved to tell me he is OK and managing without me. I was always the one who organised everything and he once told me that the one thing that worried him was not having me anymore if he passed away. I would feel contented if I just knew where he was but I have had no signs at all since he passed. Not even a dream. When he died I just sat looking at him helplessly waiting for him to give me some re assurance but he was just gone and I don’t know where. If I did zI could maybe feel more at peace knowing he is waiting for me.
Same here Angie jo, I was the one who organised everything and helped him manage his type one diabetes which was becoming more difficult, with sudden hypos that came with no warning, sometimes in the night. Always looking out for him and now it’s so empty without him
and getting no sign, no dream to know that he’s okay …We will .have to try to be patient and just keep hoping. xx
@Angiejo1 @bjane @Becks23 Here we all sit in our empty homes with half of our lives gone for ever. Being the organisers like me probably meant you always had a Plan B. There is no Plan B for this is there? No matter how capable we are and how we did everything to protect them, John had type 2 diabetes and had a stroke in 1996, we could not save them. I also longed for a sign from him to let me know he was OK. One evening a few weeks after he died as I sat looking out at the garden we had created during lockdown a beautiful pure white Barn Owl flew low over our fence straight towards me. As if flew over me it looked right down and made eye contact. It was so close I could have touched it. I really believe it was John trying to comfort me. Who really knows but it was a remarkable experience as Barn Owls are very shy and rarely seen. Keep looking out as there may be signs you just don’t notice or it might be a beautiful bird like the one John sent me. x
Wow a barn owl sounds amazing. That’s lovely. Yes, let’s keep looking out for signs. We have to have something to believe in and restore our faith that good things are possible amidst the pain and sorrow x
Hi @angiejo1, @bjane, I think people shouldn’t worry too much about signs. After all, no one really knows whether a “sign” is an actual sign or not, in life sometimes things just come down to faith, if you haven’t received any signs, that is fine, maybe the fact you’re here and and talking about how much you miss your loved ones and hoping they’re ok is in itself a sign that they’re ok because your hopes and prayers for them are keeping them safe?
Oh John’s wife, that’s just it, we have no Plan B and weren’t able to save them despite our best efforts, We had no idea what was going to happen to them and just carried on in a blissful ignorance. That owl sounds a beautiful experience and is the kind of sign I was hoping for. There have been a few inexplicable things that have happened in our house but I’m not sure if that’s just my mind playing tricks on me. I really do gel I need a sign to know he’s okay, spent a lot of my life looking out for him and worrying .I know what you’re saying Abdullah but I must just be different. a sign would give me some peace . Sending love to you all , we can keep each others’ spirits up at least . xxx
I think everyone has to find their own way through their grief. Whatever helps or brings comfort, Be it signs or something else. The important thing is to hang on and get through it.
Very true Becks, I think I am hanging on by my finger nails!
Paint those finger nails and keep hanging on! One month today almost to the minute and it’s his birthday tomorrow. Keep breathing x
OMG Becks, I hope you’ve got some support for today and tomorrow. It’s 3 months for me and I buried my wife one day after my birthday, our wedding anniversary was in June and her birthday is the end of this month. These various dates are just another turn of the knife and results in more pain.
Thinking of you over these two days. AL