Lost my partner

I just want my beloved to tell me he is OK and managing without me. I was always the one who organised everything and he once told me that the one thing that worried him was not having me anymore if he passed away. I would feel contented if I just knew where he was but I have had no signs at all since he passed. Not even a dream. When he died I just sat looking at him helplessly waiting for him to give me some re assurance but he was just gone and I don’t know where. If I did zI could maybe feel more at peace knowing he is waiting for me.

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Same here Angie jo, I was the one who organised everything and helped him manage his type one diabetes which was becoming more difficult, with sudden hypos that came with no warning, sometimes in the night. Always looking out for him and now it’s so empty without him
and getting no sign, no dream to know that he’s okay …We will .have to try to be patient and just keep hoping. xx

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@Angiejo1 @bjane @Becks23 Here we all sit in our empty homes with half of our lives gone for ever. Being the organisers like me probably meant you always had a Plan B. There is no Plan B for this is there? No matter how capable we are and how we did everything to protect them, John had type 2 diabetes and had a stroke in 1996, we could not save them. I also longed for a sign from him to let me know he was OK. One evening a few weeks after he died as I sat looking out at the garden we had created during lockdown a beautiful pure white Barn Owl flew low over our fence straight towards me. As if flew over me it looked right down and made eye contact. It was so close I could have touched it. I really believe it was John trying to comfort me. Who really knows but it was a remarkable experience as Barn Owls are very shy and rarely seen. Keep looking out as there may be signs you just don’t notice or it might be a beautiful bird like the one John sent me. x

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Wow a barn owl sounds amazing. That’s lovely. Yes, let’s keep looking out for signs. We have to have something to believe in and restore our faith that good things are possible amidst the pain and sorrow x

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Hi @angiejo1, @bjane, I think people shouldn’t worry too much about signs. After all, no one really knows whether a “sign” is an actual sign or not, in life sometimes things just come down to faith, if you haven’t received any signs, that is fine, maybe the fact you’re here and and talking about how much you miss your loved ones and hoping they’re ok is in itself a sign that they’re ok because your hopes and prayers for them are keeping them safe?

Oh John’s wife, that’s just it, we have no Plan B and weren’t able to save them despite our best efforts, We had no idea what was going to happen to them and just carried on in a blissful ignorance. That owl sounds a beautiful experience and is the kind of sign I was hoping for. There have been a few inexplicable things that have happened in our house but I’m not sure if that’s just my mind playing tricks on me. I really do gel I need a sign to know he’s okay, spent a lot of my life looking out for him and worrying .I know what you’re saying Abdullah but I must just be different. a sign would give me some peace . Sending love to you all , we can keep each others’ spirits up at least . xxx

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I think everyone has to find their own way through their grief. Whatever helps or brings comfort, Be it signs or something else. The important thing is to hang on and get through it.

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Very true Becks, I think I am hanging on by my finger nails!

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Paint those finger nails and keep hanging on! One month today almost to the minute and it’s his birthday tomorrow. Keep breathing x

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OMG Becks, I hope you’ve got some support for today and tomorrow. It’s 3 months for me and I buried my wife one day after my birthday, our wedding anniversary was in June and her birthday is the end of this month. These various dates are just another turn of the knife and results in more pain.
Thinking of you over these two days. AL

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It really is comforting to know that others feel the same way, I too say, where are you? The brain takes a while to compute the fact that he is gone. Unbelievable pain of grief.

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@Margarita1 All of us seem to be experiencing the same emotions and our partners died quite recently. It is comforting in a way but I feel so very sad that there are so many of us in this awful boat. Is it sinking or are we just about afloat? Perhaps if we all row madly we will reach a place of peace and calm. Take care of yourselves everyone.

@Becks23 One month for you 8 weeks today for me. You are showing great strength by posting on here and I hope you have someone with you tomorrow to talk about him on his birthday.

I also say ‘where are you’ out loud. I still cannot believe he has gone. It sounds mad but I also keep thinking that if I don’t throw out his toiletries in the bathroom or his coats in the hall that he will come back. Before he got very poorly with Parkinson’s he would always be up early about 6 am and make a cup of tea. The other morning I was woken by his voice saying my name as he did when he brought my cuppa in as I was usually still asleep. I woke up expecting him to be there with my tea! It was quite upsetting at the time as I could hear his voice clearly.

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Yes we are, over the past few days I am experiencing a sort of coming to terms with the reality. My mind now accepts that he is at peace and that he is not suffering any more, I’m so thankful for that, of course I still have my moments of tears and missing him so much, but I’m accepting of his having to leave me. He was a wonderful husband, father and grandfather and he tried so hard not to go. At the end I told him that I would be fine and to let go. He was so unselfish right up to the end. I will never get over his passing but I’m sure the pain will lessen as time goes on. It’s only been 2 months since he passed and at the moment I just feel empty and demotivated. But at the same time at peace knowing he is in a good place. Bless all of you that are in the same situation and may you too find peace. Xx

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Thank you. I think I’m still in shock and disbelief, so probably coming from that place. It is so very sad that we are all this horrible boat. I think the thing I find the hardest to come to terms with is the potential number of years of happiness I, and we all, have been deprived of. Nothing will ever be the same again and it feels like we are being punished for having been happy. The colour has gone out of the world and won’t ever return in the same intensity.

Dear AL - thank you. Yes I have wonderful friends and family for whom I am so very grateful. Thank you for your concern.

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@Becks23 You sum up my feelings exactly. We were making plans for more travel next year as we had more freedom after Dad died. We would have gone away in May and September this year if it weren’t for the virus. I agree it is as if we were are being punished for being so happy. Someone said to me the grief is stronger because the love was so strong. I always knew one of us would be in this terrible place but I secretly hoped it would be John not me. :broken_heart:

@CountryGirl You are not mad at all I have done exactly the same. All his things are in the same place and the last top he wore the day before he died is in the bed with me. It has long sleeves so I can wrap them around me and pretend it is his arms. I think hearing his voice was a gift although I understand it was also upsetting. I miss my cups of tea in the morning always accompanied by a big kiss.

Just read these last few posts, oh god , so sad for us all. Let’s hope we’ll all manage to keep afloat, John’s Wife. Becks, hope you cope tomorrow, it is truly horrible, wasalcolm’s birthday 2 weeks ago. Hope you can do something nice , dress up and raise a glass to him. Must admit, dressing up was an effort when he was the one I wanted to look nice for but we’ve got to hope that somehow they know… Malcolm died suddenly 3 months ago, had his funeral a month to the day after my birthday and it was our wedding anniversary 2 days ago. All so emotional and gut wrenchingly sad but we somehow get through it and hopefully the next one will be a little less traumatic. Thought there might be a sign on those two occasions. but nothing. I loved the idea of the owl, what a lovely thing to happen. Country girl I’m the same, all his clothes , shoes etc in the wardrobe, and out of it, yes, toiletries too, toothbrush in the beaker in the bathroom. We just don’t want to let any bit of them go. that’s the problem , it feels like the only thing we have any control over in this alien world we’re existing in. Sending love to all. and hope tomorrow isn’t too awful for you Becks xx

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