Lost my partner

My partner died on the 8th November, it was very sudden, although he had been ill we thought he would just be going into hospital for an operation on his heart, but he didn’t make it and I am devastated. His funeral was today and I saw my work colleagues and bosses whom I haven’t seen since he passed away (we work together also). Now I have the fear of having to go back to work, where his desk is next to mine and I can’t imagine ever being able to do that. I feel so lonely, I know i have my family, but it’s not the same as your partner who was with me every evening, who I spoke to everyday, who I could tell things I’ve never told anyone and who helped me through some tough times. He has been a best friend to my two boys and I’m trying to be strong for them, and I know I have to go back to work for them but I don’t know how I’m going to do it

Hello Spridge82. I am so desperately sorry for your loss. I understand your fear of going back to work. Perhaps give yourself a little more time yet. I took 4 weeks off and felt I could have taken more but I really thought the longer I had off work the harder it would be to return. In hindsight it was the best thing for me as work was the one place that was normal. However, that isn’t the case for you and I really feel for you. It is good to be amongst people though even if only a brief distraction. Having said that it’s vital to make time for yourself also.

Its such early days for you. My husband passed away June 2017 and I won’t lie, every day is a struggle. Missing him never gets any less and my love for him continues to grow. I write a journal to him and I find it a comfort. Maybe this is something you could do and when you go back to work you could tell him about your day and what’s happened in the office.

Sending love and a big hug xx

Hi Spridge,

I am so sorry for your loss, and I cannot even imagine having to perform at work while this is so raw. As Kate says, it was helpful for her, and I hope it will ultimately be so in your case. I also hope your boss and colleagues can be supportive of you.

Take the best care - I imagine you’re exhausted with your grief, caring for kids and contemplating return to work

Louise xxoo

Thank you both, yes it’s the children keeping me going, but I know work won’t keep paying me forever and I can’t afford to be off, I feel like I’m stuck in a horrible situation. Writing a journal is a brilliant idea, I pick up my phone to send him a message so many times a day if I wrote those things down maybe it will help.

How anyone comes through this I do not know

I lost my wife 4 weeks ago and feel the same way. Lost frightened alone, just want to give up to be honest. But tomorrow at 0330 il be going back to work. I trying to think of any excuse not to go but I’ve got to pay the bills. I’ve got support kids grandkids but still feel so alone. Watching strictly through tears we never watched it together but my passion is music, I can’t listen to any now just makes me upset. I miss her so much its cruel. Just want to not wake up.

My wife died 15 weeks ago tomorrow. I know she wanted me to get on with life and survive as I build a new reality. One of the things I did was to write a list of things I would like to be able to do and I didn’t bother to write a list of things I couldn’t do. I’m quite pleased with what I have achieved so far. I’m away in a hotel in the Lakes at the moment, one we used to stay in. Today I been walking my wife’s favourite walk. I had lunch at her favourite tea room. I use a technique called creative visualisation and, in effect, I do the whole thing in my mind first, identifying all the ‘what ifs’ and possible pitfalls. It’s possible to work out what may happen and to work through your response to it. Rather than letting things just happen, a bit like a self fulfilling prophecy, it is possible to anticipate things, and feelings, and to maybe arm yourself in advance. Unfortunately I discovered chinks in my armour when I went to my aunts funeral and things happened that I didn’t anticipate and it set me back. Maybe we learn from setbacks.

Your stronger than me every time I get anywhere near we did anything together I find it too much. Even bloody tescos. She would want me to live life but all I really want is never to wake up again.

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I know exactly what you mean stevie wee, I really just want to curl up in a ballat home and stay like that. I had to see lots of work colleagues at the funeral yesterday and some were saying you seemike you are managing ok and I just wanted to scream at them I’m really not on, I’ve lost my world, the one person I could talk to about everything, who I spoke to everyday. The children wanted to go a Xmasightsswiych on today, and as we stood there I was crying my eyes out as we should have been doing it together. I just don’t see how this can ever get better, I know he wouldn’t want me to be upset and crying, he craned so much into his 32 years, and we had so much more planned, I just can’t imagine doing it without him

I know exactly how you feel I can’t see a future. The kids have to move on but I’m stuck in this crapy limbo waiting for what. Things won’t get better xxx

It didn’t happen overnight. I was just paralysed for several weeks but I suppose I realised that there was only myself that could change things. Nobody else was going to help me move forward and I couldn’t stay where I was. I didn’t want to be paralysed.

Hello Spridge82. I understand your loss completely. My partner passed away 2 months ago. We received his diagnosis back in May but the end came very suddenly and we didn’t have time to prepare for it, (if you ever can). We also worked together and at the moment I haven’t been able to contemplate going back to work. My manager and colleagues have been very supportive but I am dreading going back and seeing his desk. I feel so utterly lost and alone even though I am surrounded by wonderful family. People compare their grief of losing a parent or grandparent but you are right, its not the same. We spent all our time together, he was my best friend and I miss the little things like just sitting on the sofa watching tv together. I feel angry that our future together has been robbed from us. My manager is going to let me work from home and slowly return to the office. Maybe speak to your manager to see if this is something you can do. I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you Gem 71, I am glad you have an understanding work. Although mine are understanding, they are all getting on so they expect me to. I went back in yesterday and it was the most awful day, I felt totally drained both emotionally and physically by the end of it. I hadn’t prepared myself for the little things like his name being removed from the sign in board. I spend most of the day crying, and the rest staring at his empty desk. I have not been able to go back in today, with not eating and sleeping properly I am wiped out. I have to go back tomorrow, I am dreading it again. I dont even have him to talk to to tell him what a rubbish day I had. I feel just so alone, I am mad that everybody else can get on like its all ok, but I am broken inside and can’t imagine ever feeling normal again. I want to wake up and it all be a horrible dream. Sorry I have babbled lots, I just can’t get my head round how I will carry on without him. I miss him so much

Don’t think your babbling I’m exactly the same. Crying sobbing not wanting to live. All pointless now. But what can we do xxx

Hi. I am the same, lost my partner 11 weeks ago and can’t see any way forward at the moment…

I hope you have a better day at work today Spridge. I will be the same looking at his empty desk or worse seeing someone else sitting there. I am hoping that eventually it will bring me comfort that everyone at work knew him. My Simon was such a joker and had a great sense of humour and there are lots of funny stories at work to be told. I am hoping that people will have more empathy and sympathy because they all miss him too. It is so hard that everyone else can go on living some kind of normality but for us life will never be normal again.

I too wake up and then the reality hits me like a sledgehammer. I hate the mornings, the thought of another long day ahead without him. I find it hard to get my head around that someone can be there one minute and then gone and yet all their possessions remain. It has made me realise that material things are not important, its the memories that mean the world to me and my photos. I have made a family photo wall and have brought my printed photo albums up to date, maybe this is something you could do to focus your mind on something. Take care x

I left after half a day today. It didn’t get any easier, everyone is lovely of course but he’s just not there. Sounds like matt, he was a joker and loved winding everyone up! He could make anybody laugh even when they don’t feel like it! X I’ve already printed out lots of photos and I will do something with them all

You did well to manage half a day. You can only take it one day at a time and see how you feel. Sound like Matt was a lovely man. He only takes the best, so they say.

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