Lost my partner

I lost my partner of 25 years in February, still struggling, cry every day, can’t see a way forward. She was our world, can’t believe someone so active and healthy can be taken by cancer

My wife died in August last year. 4 years earlier she was diagnosed with brain cancer and given 14 months. It was probably partly down to her level of fitness that she actually made it past 4 years. At 60, before things went pear-shaped, she was probably as fit as most 40 year olds. She was beautiful inside and out and I now feel an immense gratitude for how lucky I was. There isn’t any reason to any of it. As an ex smoker it should have been me but it wasn’t. Keep reading the forum and contributing. I’m fairly confident it will help you like it has helped me.

So very sorry I too lost my husband to cancer we had been married 38 years but he was only 58. It is a very long hard journey I have had counselling which did help initially and antidepressants which I have just come off which just made me numb. I wish I knew how to help you but sadly that huge gap is always still there. Keep talking it does help when you realise it’s not only you that feels that way

Cancer is an evil disease I too lost my husband to it. Life is so unfair !

Hi, this soon after the death of your loved one, the grief is overwhelming, my husband died of sepsis in December 28 hours from diagnosis to death, I felt so consumed by anger and devastation I thought I would not survive it, although 69 he was extremely fit, former marathon runner and looked after himself. The fog I was in seemed like it would never lift it is not quite 5 months, but yes the fog is lifting and I am surviving, I’m still angry and I still cry, but I am seeing a future all be it a different one but it is there, let the tears come, grieve for as long as it takes, grief can’t be hurried we all have to find our own way and there is a lot of people on this site whose posts you will find resonate with so you know your not alone with your feelings take care

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Sorry fir the loss of your wife,

A week tomorrow will be 12 months since I lost my husband to cancer, 38 hours after I was told by the consultant that further tests revealed a malignancy. I am thankful my husband didn’t know, neither of us did until that Thursday afternoon bombshell when only I was told. He’d never had a day’s illness in his life barring kidney problems as a 5 year old, also flu, colds, otherwise a very fit man andvipnibtil his retirement he worked 12 hour shifts as an electrical maintenance engineer for a local family bakery chain, mainly under pressure

I’ve been living in a dense fog these past 12 months, our home is empty without Alan here, I know I’ve just been stumbling around in the fog and dark with no sense of purpose, doing only what has been necessary. I realised on 7th May, 12 months to the day Alan was admitted to hospital, that I no longer have structure in anything and I’ve let a lot of things slide, I’m going to try to rebuild some form of structure if I can but feel everything is too overwhelming. I’ve so much to do but dobt want to do anything. Every day is groundhog day, and apart from taking Winston and Ada for their walks I very rarely go anywhere.

I do occasionally have an evening out with one of my friends, most have deserted me since Alan passed, and I do enjoy the evening, coming back home knowing he’s not going to be here tears me apart and I often wonder how much longer can I continue like this.

I know I’m not the only one going through these dreadful times but it diednt get any easier does it.

Blessings
Jen☆

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I lost my husband to Cancer also and there isn’t a day that I don’t ask WHY him. He had never smoked and was a fit man. We walked, cycled, rock climbed. We had the healthiest of diets, growing all our own organic veg on our two large allotments. He was never overweight and a lovely man, liked by everyone. So kind and generous with his time for others. Nothing makes sense. Why was I forced to watch him die a slow painful death. I have been told that it was his time to go and that we all have our time. If god wanted him so bad why did he make him suffer before he took him. My husband was also diagnosed ten years before he died and shouldn’t have lived for ten months let alone ten years but his lifestyle and fitness kept him alive and I should be grateful I know. So you see we all ask the same question and there doesn’t seem to be an answer. I now find comfort in doing the things that we used to do together. I walked early this morning, a lovely walk with magnificent views. A walk that we have done many times together. I felt his presence as I was telling him where we was. He knew the area well so would know. I cry everyday although I am starting to see a light ahead of me, it’s still dim but it’s there and it gives me hope. God bless Pat xxx

I’m so sorry for your horrendous loss it’s utterly heartbreaking in my thoughts and prayers Adele x

Hi I too lost my lovely partner to cancer. He was my world and was fit and healthy up to the end of September last year. He became poorly and was diagnosed with lymphoma which was very aggressive. Sadly before they could start chemotherapy he developed a blood clot and died suddenly one lunchtime. That was at the end of November, less than 6 weeks after diagnosis. I am devastated and nearly 6 months on I still cannot believe he is not coming back and I won’t see him again (not in this life anyway). What I find so hard is that I was not with him. He was in hospital and they told me he was not in any danger, so I was waiting for visiting time to start in the afternoon before I went in. I then got the dreaded phone call and by the time I got there he was gone. I so hope it was quick and he was not scared. I cannot bear the thought that he wanted me and I was not there. I apologise to him all the time for letting him down but there was nothing I could do. I still cry every day, especially at night. Cancer is a cruel disease that robs us of our loved ones far too quickly. Take care xx

Hi I too lost my lovely partner to cancer. He was my world and was fit and healthy up to the end of September last year. He became poorly and was diagnosed with lymphoma which was very aggressive. Sadly before they could start chemotherapy he developed a blood clot and died suddenly one lunchtime. That was at the end of November, less than 6 weeks after diagnosis. I am devastated and nearly 6 months on I still cannot believe he is not coming back and I won’t see him again (not in this life anyway). What I find so hard is that I was not with him. He was in hospital and they told me he was not in any danger, so I was waiting for visiting time to start in the afternoon before I went in. I then got the dreaded phone call and by the time I got there he was gone. I so hope it was quick and he was not scared. I cannot bear the thought that he wanted me and I was not there. I apologise to him all the time for letting him down but there was nothing I could do. I still cry every day, especially at night. Cancer is a cruel disease that robs us of our loved ones far too quickly. Take care xx

Hi im so sorry for your loss it’s heartbreaking it’s six months and three weeks on Wednesday coming since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes every day is getting worse your in my thoughts Adele x

Debra, I have been reading your post about not being with your husband at the end. I can’t imagine how this makes you feel but it was not your fault. I have heard of this happening so many times when a loved one is in hospital. I wonder if they do it on purpose. It was cruel but you have nothing to blame yourself for you trusted the hospital. You could try writing to the hospital and letting them know at least how it has left you feeling. It can’t help you but might help another person. I ask Brian for forgiveness all the time although I nursed him single handed and kept him at home with me. Somehow I feel I failed him in some way, we all have these feelings, for some reason we are meant to suffer even more…

Hi Pattidot, I know I have heard such stories too. My family cannot understand why I feel like I do. They think that George would not have wanted anyone with him, but I cannot agree. I nursed him too during his illness, albeit a short time. I tried everything I could, and then I feel I let him down at the end. I could talk to someone at the hospital but I am frightened that what I hear will just make me feel worse and it is too late to bring him back anyway. Why do these things happen to good people Pattidot, our partners did not deserve to die like they did and we should not have to suffer in this way. I am sure neither George or Brian would want us to feel guilty, but still we do. Maybe one day we will reconcile ourselves to what happened, but I cannot see how at the moment. Take care xx

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I ask myself exactly the same questions everyday. Brian said to me just before he died. “what have I ever done to anyone to deserve this, I have never hurt anyone”. He was the most peace loving man you could meet. My father was the same, just such a nice person, never argued or fell out with anyone, fit, never smoked or drank and yet he died from a heart attack when still in his forties. I lost faith then and have lost it again. I don’t like myself for the thoughts I have about people now. Looking at them and wondering why my Brian was taken and they still walk the streets, you probably know what I mean…
I agree, not always the best thing to ask questions. I wanted to speak to Brian’s doctor about some of Brian’s reasoning in the end but decided to leave well alone in case I heard something I didn’t really want to know. I’m too vulnerable at the moment. I just hope that one day all those people out there suffering as we are will find that peace and learn to forget the traumatic times and remember the love and happiness we was blessed with receiving from our loved one’s.

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I too lost my wonderful husband to cancer. He was diagnosed in March 2017 with pancreatic cancer, and chose not to know the prognosis. This meant I had to pretend all might be well, even all the time I knew he would die soon. I actually don’t know how I managed it - ensuring no one else told him was the hardest, as some people thought he should know anyway, but I knew he couldn’t cope with that. He had gruelling palliative chemo to try and keep the worse symptoms at bay. The chemo destroyed his immune system and he suffered 2 major blood infections that were drug resistant and then sepsis. He fought back each time, even after developing ascites which meant me draining his abdomen daily . He was still in denial as my heart broke more and more. Eventually the local hospice over rode his wishes as he only had a few days left, and told him. I will never forget how he cried in my arms asking them was there really no hope? He died at home a few days later in September 2017, and my world crumbled . I loved him more than I could ever say, and still do. I cannot imagine a time when I don’t love him. I still wear both my wedding ring, and his too. I cannot imagine ever loving another man . Pat was my universe and I miss him every second of every day. I promised him I would be with him when he died, but I had just stepped outside with the dogs when the visiting hospice nurse rushed out to tell me there had been a change. I ran back in as fast as I could and think I got there just in time as I grabbed his hand calling his name, and felt his hand tremble in mine for a few seconds as if he was trying to hold my hand back. I do believe that our loved ones do try to spare us the sight of them dying, and Pat had heard me saying I was just nipping outside for a moment. He had been deeply unconscious but briefly regained consciousness by trying to open his eyes a few times, which is how the nurse knew. I just hope he wasn’t scared and didn’t think I had broken my promise.
I have wonderful friends, I have become heavily involved with my fantastic church which helps me more than I thought possible as I only rediscovered my faith again after I lost my Pat. I even got baptised in March. I also have my wonderful daughter and grandsons whom I go and visit as much as possible. I think I was so lucky to have had Pat for the years that I did. I was so lucky to have known such love. As for now - I try to live by the motto " Remember the love, not the loss"
Much love and big brave hugs to you all xxx

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Dear Jen my husband died totally unexpectedly and I have to say structure is the one important thing that keeps me going. Structure is what makes me take one step after the other x

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