Hi everyone. Four weeks ago, I lost my sister April, 19, to an overdose. I am also 19, and I happen to be a triplet with her. Her and I were extremely close, and I’m having a hard time processing this horrible tragedy. On February 27th, she overdosed at a friend’s house in the early morning, and the heroin had seemingly killed her instantly, which is to assume it was the fentanyl. Her body had been splayed on the bathroom floor for about 10 hours until the mentioned friend found her. I say this in detail because it is exactly what my mind is doing - repeatedly trying to piece together that morning, step by step, second by second. She was not prepared to die that day (she had gotten out of the shower and was naked with her hair in a towel). The details of why she was at the friend’s house is not important, but many of you probably already understand that addicts come with an array of difficulties, and my parents had tried every single thing they possibly could to make it work at home. April and I talked about death on a daily basis, and both of us had always been extremely terrified of it. We feared that we would never see our family again once we pass, which is the ultimate loss. Albeit her addiction, she loved us all very much. She had been at my side since birth, and the fact that she is now existing in the unknown, in the place we had tried so hard to understand together, is so terrifying. Every night, I wrack my brain for answers about heaven, about what happens when we die, about what it feels like. I searched and searched the internet to find answers on what a heroin overdose feels like, about what it’s like to truly die, and not just clinical death, but biological, and obviously the people who have experienced it are not here to share it. I would appreciate some kind of reassurance, or even just some insight, on a few things. Was it painful? Yes, heroin numbs pain, but did she feel herself die? Is it possible that she recognized that she was dying? Is it possible for her to rationalize what had happened, or did her world go black and that was all? Did she feel herself fall to the floor? Does fentanyl kill instantly? Where is she right now, based on your religion? Is she ceasing to exist? Will I never see her again, ever, even in my afterlife? I understand these questions are helpless and impossible to answer, but I cannot process the fact that she is gone. She was my best friend, my other half, literally, and I simply don’t want to exist without her by my side. She left into the unknown without me, and I am left with only pieces of who she was. How do I get over someone that literally shaped me into who I am now? How do I get through the day without being triggered by even the smallest of reminders? Will I ever be happy again? Please help me. I am so terribly lost, and I want nothing more than to join her in death so I can be with her again.
Oh how tragic, I read your post through tears Kayzan. I am glad you found this site at this time of such devastating loss. My situation is different, however I lost my sister too. I relate to so much of what you say, about her being your “best friend, other half,” and someone who “shaped you” into who you are. You did lose a part of yourself, especially being a triplet. Much like losing a vital organ, and no one else can see or feel it, but you. You have experienced a trauma and have been deeply wounded. I witnessed my little sister die in front of me, when her heart stopped (she had cancer). The medical team “worked on” her as I stood by begging her to come back. I know about those images that we cannot get out of our heads. One thing I do believe, if this might help, is that those we love never really leave us. Although we lost their physical presence, there is so much more. I feel my sister all around me every day, and they do give us signs (something I believe).
A relationship so close and meaningful, does not just end in death. You will never get “over” this, but rather find a way to live along side of it. I am trying so hard to do that myself. Do not look too far ahead, because that can be overwhelming.
Try not to torture yourself with questions right now. I do the same thing, as I too wonder how she felt and what she was thinking at the end (can drive you mad). Your loss is so fresh, and you are probably still in shock. Her struggles are over, but you are facing a very painful journey ahead, and will need love, kindness and support. The people on this wonderful site will be there for you, and I would like to help you in any way I can. You are dealing with so much for one so young. Your sister is still with you, she left this world, but she did not leave your heart and memory. Call out to her and continue to talk to her. Please post again. You are not alone. Xxx Sister2
The drugs cause extreme tiredness, ppl lay down & as soon as they fall asleep they become unconscious & their heart stops. No pain no terror I know as it happened to my son 10 weeks ago.
I think of him as unconscious, in the place we go when we sleep, thats what I believe, that I will see him again.
Don’t give up, just one day at a time x
Hi Sister2. I want you to know that I resonated with everything you said. I am so beyond grateful for your heartfelt and thoughtful response. You’ve given me a sliver of hope that this will all eventually be okay, and I will hold on to that as much as I can. I am also so sorry for the loss of your sister, and as you know I can relate to that, so I really do understand what you are going through as well. I will try hard to avoid spending so much time attempting to find answers to these impossible questions, as it is becoming extremely draining, but I don’t know what to do for when the night comes and I am forced to think about it while trying to sleep. Either way, your words really hit home, and I appreciate that more than you ever know. It is comforting to know that, for the most part, we are currently trying to fight the same battle. I will listen to your advice and continue to talk to her - I just wish it didn’t feel so one-sided. Again, thank you for your kind words. It really meant a lot to me.
Hi BunksMum. I really hope it was as you said - no pain or terror. I like to think that it was a peaceful sleep, but my sister fell to the floor and I constantly wonder if she had felt that, or if the drugs had hit her even before she could begin to fall. I hope she is in a peaceful place, nonetheless.
As for your son, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Dealing with my sister is extremely difficult, and I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to lose your own child, but from what I’ve been witnessing with my parents, I understand that it truly is the ultimate loss. I hope you are dealing with it okay, and although I’m only 19, I can promise you I have a lot of insight for someone young. If you wish to talk, I will be here. I am sending my prayers to you and I hope the days will become slightly more bearable, for the both of us. Take care.
I’m so dreadfully sorry for your loss and what you’re going through.
You ask about what people of different religions feel about death. I’m Wiccan and I believe that we are simply reabsorbed into the Divine Source. There’s a popular Wiccan chant:
We all come from the Goddess; and to Her we shall return
Like a drop of rain flowing to the ocean.
At some point, when we’re ready for rest, we return to the Divine Source of all things and become part of it forever.
I do not use the word dead, I believe that when human life is over the soul returns to trees, to air, to fire, to water, to animals so, you simply return to life force in another form.
Imagine how wonderful it would feel if your beloved sister has returned to you as any of these things, she would be constantly around you.
Don’t fear death it’s simply another door in life through which we have to pass, your sister is never gone from you she is just in another room. My husband left me just over a year ago and he still looks out for me in so many little ways, open your eyes your sister is still there with you and watching over you and, she is finally free of her terrible addiction and at peace. Your sister is behind the veil, you may not be able to see her or touch her but she is always there, nothing is ever truly lost.
You may find comfort in having a small ritual for your sister to thank her for her life. Set up a small area with a candle, a photo of her and some of her things, a small bowl of her favourite foods. Light the candle and invite your sister to join you for a short time, offer her the food and talk to her, tell her everything you want to say and listen. At the end thank her and release her to her new life with blessings.
Have a look at the Poem “We do not Die” this sums up my believe perfectly.
Be gentle with yourself and may you find peace.
I lost my sister to the same cause, at the beginning of March this year. I have since being to a medium, my sister has also come to visit my mum and she has talked about her passing, she also visits in my mums dreams. Your sister is very much alive on the other side, my sister has said she has been so busy since she got back, she received healing and was put straight to work. She also said that she is so happy there, which is home/ hevean, her exact words were ‘it’s great here!’ It’s been nearly six months since she left us and I can see how things are shifting, after being stagnant for years, that is her doing. I was told through a genuine medium who I know, that she was just so comfy, she fell asleep and left. I struggle with where she passed and how she was found, I feel a bit naseous in my stomach thinking about it and it makes me cry everytime I do. She wouldn’t have been alone, her spiritual team would have been right there with her as she passed, as my sister had hers with her and that makes it a bit better. I was told once she was done learning everything in life that she needed to, they came and got her, there is no pain involved. You will 100% see your sister one day, if the time is ever right, you may even be able to communicate with her in your dreams one day. You won’t ever get over it, you have a massive loss in your life, a massive shift in your reality. You might not be able to sense, but your sister is always with you, I can sense my sister, she comes to my right side.
THE WEAVER
We make the world in which we live
by what we gather and what we give,
by our daily deeds and the things we say,
by what we keep or we cast away
We make our world by the beauty we see
in a skylark’s song or a lilac tree,
in a butterfly’s wing, in the pale moon’s rise,
and the wonder that lingers in midnight skies.
We make our world by the life we lead,
by the friends we have, by the books we read,
by the pity we show in the hour of care,
by the loads we lift and the love we share.
We make our world by the goals we pursue,
by the heights we seek and the higher view,
by hopes and dreams that reach the sun
and a will to fight till the heights are won.
What is the place in which we dwell,
A hut or a palace, a heaven or hell,
we gather and scatter, we take and we give,
we make our world – and where we live.
A.G.Walton.
My life is but a weaving, between my God and me,
I do not choose the colours,
He worketh steadily.
Oft times he weaveth sorrow,
and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper,
and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent,
and the shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas,
and explain the reasons why
The dark threads are as needful
in the skillful weaver’s hand
As threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.
You poor poor soul, how tragic for you to lose your sister in this dreadful way, my heart aches for you, it really does. I am grieving for my wonderful husband, who’s funeral we held this last Tuesday. We would have been married for 59 years, on the 10th September. Will we ever get over our losses,? all I can see is a black tunnel stretching out for miles from where I am sitting maybe one day the sun will shine again and our loads may be lighter. Please God that we stop suffering from this awful pain. I wish this for all of you, my new friends. MaryL