I lost my sister at the end of May. It’s 20yrs next year since our mum passed and our father back in 1993. The trauma I experienced with mum came flooding back with my sister.
My heart is broken. With my sister the grief is as strong as it was with my parents but it also feels so different. The bond and relationship that you have with a sibbling is very special and unique.
My dear sister was nearly 2yrs younger than me, and I have a brother 13yrs younger. I was the oldest, big brother- a blessing and I’m not going to say curse but certainly a challenge. People tell you that you can’t shoulder all the responsibility, yes of course thats true, but in my mind stepping up and being there is just what you do as the eldest and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. It was challenging at times though, both my mother and sister had conversations with me in the final months and weeks as the oldest son and as big brother which will never leave me. That feeling of being helpless and not being able to protect them as I had always tried to do is just overwhelming. With both my mother and sister I was not always entirely truthful near the end, they both knew there time was limited, but I always tried to reasure in an attempt to give them some peace of mind that it wasn’t going to happen straight away. I do feel guilt for that but I still believe it was the right thing to do and I would do it again.
I cry a lot, I feel numb, my sleep is all over the place, i feel unhealthy, I lack motivation and interest. I talk to my partner but I also hide a lot. I know it’s a process and it will get better but the hole in my life at the moment just feels vast.
Work is difficult. I have overall charge of a charity and small staff team. They have all been great but as the boss I need to try and be strong and present even if I dont feel like it. I’m sure they just want things back to normal for them as they do for me, the disruption has not been ideal for my team.
My partner is suggesting a holiday, I’m finding it difficult to be excited and motivated by it but she works very hard and needs it probably as much as i do if not more. She has been through a lot being there for me.