Lost of husband

I lost my husband to cancer 5 weeks ago,it’s turned my world upside down. He at the end of August last year and was diagnosed with cancer in October. All our plans for a long and happy retirement have gone. He was my best friend and we did so much together. How do you carry on! KATY

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Dear Katy, I am so very sorry to hear of your very recent loss. Losing your other half is devastating. I lost my wife to cancer 7 months ago. As you say all the plans for a happy future together are wiped away in an instant.

To be honest I don’t really know how we carry on, but somehow we do. I’m guessing you are feeling numb at this stage, still in shock and disbelief. There is a lot of advice available on this site and elsewhere. Advice from ‘experts’ and people like me who are going through it themselves. Just have a look round and see what makes sense to you. We all grieve differently, and it takes as long as it takes.

What helped me early on was just taking it a day at a time, not expecting too much from myself, and spending as much time as possible with family and friends. It is just about surviving.

Give yourself time, and be kind to yourself. Don’t give up, and impossible though it may seem, you will recover. It’s not a straightforward journey - more like a roller coaster ride - but hang on and use this site to say anything you want. You will be amazed at the kindness people will show you. My best wishes go out to you.

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Hi Katy,I lost my Husband,best friend,my everything,3months ago,know exactly what you going through,we did everything together too.it’s only when it happens to you,you can possible know the complete & utter loss you feel.we were together 52 years.I was 18 when we met,so never been on my own.Now 71.I was an only child & do feel that gives me a bit more determination to carry on,but no family to support me.I have a son in Australia & my daughter in Yorkshire.Also I know my Husband would want me to be strong.I talk to Him in our apartment as I’m doing things,just as I did when He was here.I alternate sleeping on my side bed one week,His next & have His dressing gown on bed by me.His favourite baseball cap hangs on door handle in hall.His photos are everywhere because I don’t want it to look like He never lived here.This all gives me comfort,I think what ever comforts you do it.It is very early days for us both & think we must take small steps to start with.Keep posting it will help us both.
Sending you big hugs.
Sue.

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Hi Neil
It’s good to hear from someone in a similar situation.You can not possibly realise the pain one goes through until you go through it yourself. Unfortunately none of my children live locally so I’m unable to call round to there places when I’m feeling really low.I had my daughter’s wedding on the 6th May which was very difficult to get through with out her Dad not being there.I am now trying to be strong I’ve gone back to my yoga classes and sewing group. As you say it’s one day at a time. Cancer is such a terrible thing that destroys people’s lives. I guess you are asking the same question, why my partner.?
My faith is keeping me going.
Katy

Hi
Thanks for your reply, it’s good to know that you are not the only one suffering such pain.Im a bit like you I have no family living close to support me when I’m feeling really low. I have 4 children but the nearest is over 200 miles away. I had my daughter’s wedding on the 6th May which was a very difficult day with her Dad not there and IT would have been our 40th wedding anniversary in August so I’ve now had to cancel all arrangements for that.Im only 65 so I’ve got to pick up the pieces and carry on because I’ve got 20 or so years ahead of me.
Like you I have photos every where to keep his presence in the bungalow.One day at a time I tell myself hoping each day will be easier than the previous one.
My faith keeps me going as it did from my husband being diagnosed with cancer.God is with us.
Katy

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Katy that must have been so hard for you getting through your Daughters wedding &for your Daughter &rest of family.What should have been a very happy day with your husband by your side.Also looking forward to your 40yr anniversary why can life be so cruel.
Ian &I were lucky we made our 50th last oct.which I had so wished Him to be here for.He fought lymphoma for last9yrs so bravely having some awful treatment.Going through every chemo they could give Him, a stem cell transplant &radiotheraphy.we always kept positive &fought it together every step of the way.We spent a lot of time on holidays abroad& off in our touring caravan.so got as much out of life that we could when He was in spells of remission.He was able to retire@50 which gave us 23 yrs to enjoy life.so we always said we were grateful for that.If He had retired@65 He would have only had 8yrs.we went2lanzarote last Dec.& spent lovely xmas there but He wasnt able to do the walking He could usually manage.also His legs started swelling.on returning2uk.saw his spec.He said the cancer had changed from low to high grade & He probably only have matter of weeks and nothing else they could treat Him with. So big shock&took some sinking in!.His blood counts were so low.He got sepsis &had to be rushed into intensive care.where He was on lots of support stuff to keep His blood pressure up.platelet trans.so many lines going into Him.begining of week with all this stuff He seemed to pickup but it didnt last.was in hospital a week then moved to local hospice.but once off all the hospital treatment His blood pressure dropped so low He had heart attack.We were only @ the hospice an hour but me our son who had flown from Aus.2days before thank goodness!our Daughter her husband were all with Ian & it was quick peaceful passing which for us as a family does give us lot of comfort.He knew we were with Him the kids held His hands & said He was holding them so tight I stroked His head &told Him I loved Him He whispered back He loved me & within couple minutes passed away.Cancer is such an evil disease but @least He wasnt in pain had no morphine or any thing to assist Him.Im in floods of tears writing this but think we need to get these things out to be able to move on.Feel free to write same back if you want to.
Ive been to Gymphobics this morning its all ladies&they v.friendly so can have chat after we excercise passes an hour.Went in our library after they want volunteers to help out with various activitys they have so got forms.not sure im ready yet but think about it.Im going to my Daughters for long wkend see grnd kids so be bit of a change but cant be Away from home2long yet.its been wet here in midlands today so that doesnt help.I live in an apartmrnt so got1of my gd neighbours coming round for chat tonight which be nice.but she will be moving soon which im very sad about as we get on well.So many things seem to be changing since I lost Ian.this is second gd neighbour that moved.Also 3days after Ian passed my best friend passed.she had lymphoma was diagnosed yr after Ian so we had been supporting one another over the years.she lost her husband last october.so the3 of them in 4mnths.we had known each other for over 40yrs.met through caravanning when our kids were young.
Probably gone on a bit Katy sorry!
But feel free to do same if it helps.Im a good listener as well as talker!!!
Be nice to have that magic wand&make everything better wudnt it.
We will try&support each other.

Luv & hugs.
Sue.

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Hi Sue
It’s good to hear from other people with stories similar to myself. Like you I sit and cry while writing to people.I try to put on a brave face in public but as soon as I return home I break down. I find going to bed so painful I cry myself to sleep every night. I just hope the pain becomes easier with time.
You had time with your husband after he retired this is where I feel so cheated. My husband retired on the 31st August ,we went of traveling through France and down to Lake Como for nearly 4 weeks. While away he started having problems eating on returning he had tests and was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus. Six months later after chemo he was dead.3 weeks before he died we found out the cancer had spread to his stomach. He started getting a build up of fluid, had it drained twice but the fluid got into his lungs affecting his breathing which killed him.He died at home which is what he wanted with me and my son at his bedside.
We had plans for our retirement for the next 2 or 3 years, holidays we wanted to take together , all gone now. This was meant to be the time for both of us to enjoy after working hard for years making a home together and bringing up 4 children.
Life has to go on and I organise each day so I have something planned, that’s my way of coping.
Keep writing, Katy

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Like me Katy isn’t that a big consolation you were with your Husband when He passed away lot of people don’t get that.Which is what I was so worried about…I didn’t want Ian passing in hospital & us not being with Him.The Hospice was lovely…even though He was only there very short time…but He knew where He was & that we were all with Him…so He wasn’t stressed & able to pass peacefully.As we had always been together I needed to be with Him @ the end.Don’t know how I would have coped if not been there.What was your husbands name?
i find if I have lot on in day i’m ok in evening…as unless we were off on holiday,we usually be out here in day & happy to stay in evenings.So that is still routine I am ok with.
Bedtime was hard for me till I started this routine I told you you about.I sleep fine now…as long as i’m tired when put light out…take computer to bed with me…stay on that till eyes start closing…then light straight off…cuddle up to Ian’s dressing gown & i’m away!Wake early but not bothered as long as iv’e had unbroken sleep i’m fine.
I’ve got good neighbour…she came round for girlie chat last night…which we both enjoy…from this morning@ 8am we started to go walk for a mile…when we both free…after tomorrow I can’t go till get back from my DAughters. she got Hubby…but He had bad stroke some years ago.Unfortunately they are having to move nearer Her daughter Derby way…as Husbands health getting worse so daughter can help Her if they nearer.Will miss Her a lot as she been such good friend before & since lost Ian.
Think the secret to us surviving all this heartbreak is keeping as active as possible.

Iv’e never been a joiner of things…as we just happy doing everything together…& things with friends,but always in couples & that is the difficulty when not a couple anymore.Have to start mixing with single people who in our position…as they only ones who can truly understand what we going through.

As iv’e had so much stuff to sort out only just been able to start joining things…went to our local library yester to see what things they have on…while I was talking to the lady…she said they always want volunteers…said I would be perfect gave me application form for when I felt like I might want to do it…so keep it may consider giving that a try.Not that I really want to but know it good way to meet others…I would just like a bigger circle of women to go meals…coffee…days out eventually when I feel I can holidays.
Its been raining all morning…got some old friends coming soon…they about only ones I see regularly that understand a bit what i’m going through.
Iv’e got a couple coming to look@ our caravan tonight so my friends Husband will come with me…hope they buy it as be a big thing off my mind to sell it…but very upsetting as been our hobby for over 40 years…sad when have to get rid of things you loved doing all your life practically.

Hope your day not too bad…keep occupied.

Some people tell me they can’t stand to be in their home…but fortunately I don’t have a problem with that…We downsized to an apartment after Ian was diagnosed & love it here got shops public transport all handy& it’s where I feel closest to Ian.He always said He knew I could cope here So know that would make Him happy & not worry about me.Also the kids my son in law & I have scattered His ashes in the rememberance garden which I look across to from our balcony.After xmas we were in there & Ian said He wanted His ashes scattering under a Japanese Ginko Bilboa tree that in there…I said I would have same when I go.So we carried out His wishes & i can look at that tree in all the seasons…there is a bench by it so can go round & sit when nice & I have planted some flowers He always liked from our balcony pots around the tree.I am also going to get in touch with council & see if I can get a rememberance plaque either on or by the tree.

Luv & hugs.

sue.

Hi Sue
This is the time of day I hate hence I am writing to you. It seems to come over me at this time that I will never see my husband Michael again. I feel so alone in the house by myself and going into the bedroom brings floods of tears. I don’t think my family really know or understand how much I miss my husband. I know I have to be strong and that my Michael would not want me to be so unhappy.
I feel better now that I’ve told you how I feel thanks for listening.I now have to reach out to Jesus to help me through the night.
Thanks for being there, Katy

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Katy I know the nights are so lonely keep talking to michael as if He is there hopefully in spirit michael&Ian our with us.only we know how it feels we the wives of our husbands lovers&best friends our soul mates.I have just been talking to Ian about my day&ask His advise on things.I am doing.
Ive shown a family round the caravan this evening so fingers x they will buy.It breaks my heart to sell it as we both loved it&all happy memories but it will be weight off my mind as doing it all on my own now find v.stressful but is keeping me focused on things that I have to do.im sitting in bed emailing you.got the computer so be on that til really tired.Ian dressing gown by me sleeping on His side bed this week.Think whatever you need to do is fine if it gives you comfort.im sure your family are grieving for Michael but perhaps trying to be strong for you.When I get to Jo’s my daughter I will hav a cry when we first see each other&a big hug then will be ok for awhile as the grand kids will distract me.We keep bringing Ian into the conversation like He still with us.Had best friends here today&we talked a lot about how Ian would be doing things as I had a prob with His laptop&we had a laugh about the fact Ian would hav soon sorted the problem&would have laughed@how long we took messing about getting it sorted.Being with people who are ok with that helps.dont know why some people dont want to mention them.whether they think it upsets you not sure but I want to keep talking about Him even if I get upset.Do hope you can soon find away to have a peaceful night.Do try having something of Michaels with you in bed.Dont think i will ever wash Ians dressing gown as do feel His spirit there.probably sounds strange but it is helping me.
Hope you can find some comfort soon.
Big hugs & thinking of you.Glad your faith helps.
Sue

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Hi Sue
I sent you a private message did you pick it up?
Katy

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Having read all these messages I’m actually deciding for myself that in not mad I too talk to my loved one mark and do sleep with his dressing Gown i also have photos of him under my pillows and pinned to the side of my bedside cabinet so that his face is the first thing I see when I wake up
I’ve cried everyday since my mark died and this will probably continue for some time as he was my world its good to know I’m not mad
I’m sorry for your losses

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Hi Lynsey,
We are unfortunately in this club that none of us want to be in or ever think of being in.Those of us that had a real soulmate in our husbands or partners&were each others whole life will find it the hardest.Mark obviously was this to you.Ian & I lucky as i said that we had all those happy years which some dont have so I try2draw comfort from that.ýou didnt say how long since Mark passed but presume like Katy&myself recently.Its all the1st occasions im dreading that we would have always been together for&never again will be.Fathers day is next!
The crying is just part of the grieving &we need to do it,have to let it out a normal reaction.I find some days better than others as long as I have plenty to occupy me in day.It takes time to heal but we will always have the happy memories which we will always have&treasure.
We just have to keep strong as Ian,mark&michael would want us to be!
Hugs for you.
Sue

Thank you Sue
Mark passed 9 weeks ago suddenly from bacterial meningitis caused by an ear infection he had for a while he was only 42
I’m still in a bit of a state don’t do much during the day just sit and think of the last few days with him people tell me to try and move on but it’s so hard to we were together for 20 years he was my first love

Linsey I sm so sorry must have been terrible shock for you.It is far too early for the 3 of us.You katy or me to move on yet.we have to grieve.its taking tiny steps a day@a time.Ian passed 3months ago.I know time will help ease the pain we feel now but we will always love&want these lovely men.I just need to believe they are there in spirit with all our other loved ones who have passed&waiting for us.I feel Ian is there in spirit guiding me.
I am staying with my daughter for long weekend &its lovely being with my grand children.it takes my mind off the sadness for awhile.Do feel ive left Ian behind in our apartment not being in our bed tonight.Have got His pictures on my phone&Ipad so still got Him near.just hold on to all the things that make Mark feel close to you.People who telling you to move on probably not been in this position.They will never know how heartbroken& completely grief stricken we are until they are in this position.None of us have till now!
Hope you get restful sleep.
Big hugs.
Sue

Of course you are not mad. I cannot look at my loved ones photos much in a way it’s nice but in a way it makes me too sad. But that’s just me. I have tops of his I do smell. I wish I had his reassurance.

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