Lost the love of my life. 14/02/2022

On Valentine’s Day, I got up, went to work, came home happy, I was just doing the final couple of days in one job before I was supposed to start another on the Wednesday. My fella of 8 years, age 43, texts me every morning… but I didn’t hear from him that day, but sometimes it wasn’t unusual, as if work was busy we’d speak in the afternoon instead. However, that text never came - what came instead was a call from his Mum with the devastating, life destroying news that my fella didn’t get up for work this morning; he had died in his sleep at some point during the night.

He had just spent the majority of the week with me for my birthday, and everything was normal with him; apart from a slight cough, but he eating & drinking fine, we went out, pubs, Costa, supermarkets, into town and he even came to help me at work one day - he seemed fine. Nick was a complainer when he was unwell - if he was ill, you knew about it because he would say! … but there was nothing like that from him. We didn’t live together; he was between my home and his parents as his ‘rents are closer to his work. He went home on the Friday, and I spoke to him then and arranged to meet on the Saturday as we were going into central London for the theatre. I met with him on Saturday and went to the show - he seemed fine. After the show we headed back to his parents to pick up the car and drive back to mine to cook some dinner. However on the tube. We were standing and he has a bit of a funny turn; he looked hot and if he was about to faint. Then 2 seats became free so we sat down - he was fine after that. We picked up the car and he drove me home. I cooked pasta and he has some which he ate well. I said he could stay but he said he was still feeling crappy from his cough so said he was going home to have a good nights sleep. That’s fine and I said we’d speak tomorrow. He got home ok, went straight to bed.

On the Sunday I spoke to him; he was fine. Apparently he didn’t everything normally that day, eating, drinking, went for a walk, came back and did some hobbies. Drank Tea and all the things he liked to do. He got ready to return to work again the next day and went to bed about 8pm to be up early for work.

On the Monday there was no hear from him in the morning; but that’s not too unusual and we sometimes spoke in the afternoon. But I never got to speak to him that day - his Mums call came and it completely tore my world apart - he had died in his sleep. The initial shock was disbelief, walking around in a daze, feeling like I was in just some bad nightmare. I’d never experienced pain like it - I just couldn’t believe he was gone so suddenly and unexpectedly; just like that.

My initial thoughts were why, how, and feeling incredibility guilty at not cherishing him and the time we did have together more. I took it for granted that he would always be there. He said he’d never leave me and I had no reason to believe he would. Our relationship wasn’t perfect and we were going through some turbulent times - but I knew our commitment and bond was strong and we were working things out. I’m so upset and angry that he left me so suddenly and unexpected. I never got the chance to tell him how much I loved and appreciated him in my life. I overlooked them and how much he meant to me; I just took it for granted that our relationship was what it was and we understood eachother. But I didn’t tell him enough how much I loved him and appreciated him. I wish I could have just one more moment with him now, I would make sure he knew that despite our relationship struggles, he was still the love of my life, my one, and that I wanted us to work through our hardships and get back to the loving and devoted couple we once were. I was finding some acceptance and wanted to move forward.

We’d had some terrible rows during our relationship; and I said some awful dreadful things to try n hurt him when I carried deep seated emotional pain about the loss of our one and only chance to have a child of our own. I blamed him; I know deep down it wasn’t his fault but I couldn’t help it - we were in our mid 30s and dealing with his medical needs and genetic condition that caused his kidney failure and infertility. I felt trapped, i felt like I was in a big pressure cooker and also torn between the love I had for him and my desire for us to have a family. I had such heavy weight on my shoulders just weighting me down, when all I yearned for was some normality like other couples. We should have been sitting in Whetherspoons on a Friday night, or at home with a take-away; instead we were sitting in a hospital ward 3 nights a week for 4 hours whilst he dialysed!. The relationship became so restricted and limited for over 2 years. He did get the kidney transplant in 2018 which went well, and we did begin to have some normality in life. We had a great year in 2019; when we made the most of life without restrictions, holidays, days out, enjoying eachother. Then in March 2020, the first lockdown hit and he had to shield. I didn’t see him for 3 months, which was so hard for me to be in lockdown without him. All we had was phone contact.

Once lockdown lifted, we had the opportunity for IVF in June 2020; our one and only round - so we embarked on that which went text book perfect with a successful egg collection, but after the insemination of 17 eggs, they dwindled and in the end we were left with just 1 that had made it to blastocyst stage and could be frozen whilst they did the PGD biopsy to check for his genetic condition. We had that embryo on ice for 6 weeks… and we lived in hope it would be healthy.

In that period, we reconnected - I felt close to him again; I know it sounds silly but we made sure we did everything that expectant parents may do together to prepare for their new child. We look around baby shops, we talked about what we’d like for our child in the future, we talked about and picked names etc… things were really good. We were so happy, but also had in the back of our minds that our embryo test results could come back as affected; and therefore they wouldn’t be able to transfer it back. Unfortunately that news came 6 weeks later - our embryo was affected so that’s was the end of the road for us; it was game over - we were out.

I thought I would feel ok with it - we at least had the opportunity to try; I was hoping that we could find acceptance and move on from the fact we wouldn’t be able to have a family of our own. I was ok for a while; I started a Masters degree which was a massive distraction from the pain of our loss and Nick was so supportive of me throughout my degree. He was always there for me and encouraged me all the way. The saddest about our lost child was still there but I was able to cope with it - well, there were good and bad days - but the course kept me focused and I started ro believe I could have a happy future without our desired family. I finished the course; wrote my dissertation which was extremely difficult and stressful, but Nick always believed in me and said I would get a distinction - I didn’t believe in myself and thought I’d no way get a distinction, but he was right - I got one.

After I’d finished studying, I found a stop gap job over Christmas whilst I seeked one that was related to my degree - Nick was as supportive as ever, even when he was trying to get a better job himself. We got through Christmas ok - it’s not my fav time of year! I find it so hard to get through. 2022 started, Nick complained about being unwell at the beginning of January - he’d developed a cough and fever but tested negative for Covid… since then he hadn’t been feeling 100% but he was looking forward to coming up to see me on my birthday, he had booked the week off work. As explained earlier, apart from the cough and the funny turn on the tube; he was fine and did everything normally that week - there was no signs of him struggling to breath or problem with his lungs. He just felt a bit under the weather.

Anyway; the post-mortom came back that they’d tested him positive for Covid. But it’s so unbelievable, how can Covid make you die in your sleep?? I know he wasn’t a well man and had the transplant but the doctors were very happy with that and he was always meticulous about attending all his hospital appointments and getting checked. It just doesn’t make sense to blame his death on Covid. The family have asked for the full coroners report but it’s so strange for Covid to come back as the cause of death.

I’m absolutely heartbroken. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, tossed on the floor and stamped on! … I know it’s still early days and will be raw; but I just don’t know how I can carry on without him. He was my absolute world and we had been through so much together. Everyday is like Groundhog Day now, I’m waking up in the same nightmare - I just want to be with him, be able to speak to him, tell him all the things I never got to say. Why is life so cruel?!… if he had to go, I wish he was rushed into hospital first and there was time to see him and say things I needed to say before he passed.

I don’t think I am ever going to get over this. My life has been turned completely upside down; I’ve stopped working and been signed off but I know I will have to work soon as the rent & bills don’t stop and Nick isn’t here to help me anymore. I feel utterly and completely alone. I’m riddled with stress & anxiety.

Friends and family are being supportive but they don’t know what to say or what to do. Does life without them ever get better? How long does it take to find a new normal? … right now, I just don’t want to be here.

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Hi

I’m so so sorry for your loss, you’ve been through so much together.
How your feeling is quite normal, I expect your emotions run from love to hate to angry, this situation is awful for you, sudden deaths are by far the worst to cope with.
I lost my Stephen to covid last July, I didn’t expect him to die from this cruel virus & I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye either, he’d died before I got there.

Things for you are very raw at the moment still, people say time will heal, well it does n it doesn’t, I’m still very much missing Stephen & I have no idea how my life will go, other than I know I don’t want to be with anyone else ever.

I take each day as it comes, some are better than others, today was a bad day, do what you feel you need to do to get through this, cry if you want too, laugh at memories you did together that were funny, be angry too, thats all part of grieving.

Thinking of you
Di x

Thank you Di, and I’m so so sorry to hear about your sudden lost of Stephen too. Absolutely they’ve been taken from us in the most cruelest way possible - so suddenly and unexpected. If Nick was rushed into hospital with complications, the loss would be slightly less painful because I wouldn’t have the terrible guilt I feel on top grieving for my loss. I would’ve been able to tell him all the things I wanted to say and ask him for forgiveness for the awful dreadful things I said out of anger, and also showed him in his final hours how much I loved & adored him; how much I’m going to miss him. I would want to tell him that I will be a better person in the future and be more open to letting people in.

You are right, the best way to cope would be to take each day as it comes - i am trying to get through each hour at a time… I just keep running the pass 8 years of our relationship over & over, it had so many high & lows. We get complacent in life and take ppl for granted that they will always be there.

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