lost the only person who understood me and now i don’t know what to do.

[sag11]

my boyfriend died in August and it’s only just started feeling real. we were best friends and him appearing in my life changed me in ways i never thought i could and i overcame issues i thought would trouble me forever. i always knew he struggled mentally, which is why we connected so well. i got him and he got me and we pulled each other out of bad patches. but five months before he died he left me and told me he couldn’t do it to me anymore - even though he told me I saved him so many times. i tried and tried over and over to remind him that he was strong and he would overcome this but he just pushed me away. i had barely spoke to him after months of trying and then i got the call that he’d died and i haven’t felt the same since. he’s my first and only love, the only person i could open up to and he’s gone. i miss him so much and i don’t know how im meant to go through my entire life knowing it could’ve been with him. and the only thing he wanted for me was to not feel this pain yet it’s all i feel every day.

his family are so supportive and i have friends and family around me but no one understands losing someone like this. im only 24 so everyone else is going through breakups while i go through this. it feels so unfair when he was such an amazing person. i wish id done more, i wish more than anything he was still here and we had more time together.

[Plutorising]

I’ve been where you are, I was 22 years old when my first boyfriend (dating since teens) passed, from suicide. I won’t go into the method because of online rules. And we had also broken up, but it was three weeks before. So add the dots ….

I struggled with the guilt more than anything, that the break up was what had led to that decision he took. Even though he left me a note saying “it’s not you, it’s me”, the crushing guilt was still there. The actual grieving for him only came to the surface during the lockdowns, 20 years later!

It’s a hard road ahead and will take time to recover from the shock. But the shock and grief will soften, and you will find ways to rebuild your life back up, and you will find happiness again, NEVER feel guilty when that happens. He would have wanted you to carry on, survive and thrive, and build your life back up again. And if someone new comes along, only in time when you are ready (too soon now), go for it.

I’ve had several long term relationships since, although the suicide had left me with serious commitment issues, and I never married as a result. Please try not to go down that road.

Fast forward, I’m 48 now, in a two year steady relationship, and facing him dying now. It will be the SECOND boyfriend I will lose to a death. The cancer developed fast and suddenly, only two months.

Terminal brain cancer, he can’t have treatment as it’s progressed too far, so he may only have 3 months left. I’m hoping I’ve learnt enough from losing the first guy, to get through this upcoming death with more wisdom and resilience. Again, it will be a hard road to face.

[Brandon1]

What can I say sag11 and Plutorising reading both of your posts brings me to tears. I have nothing that can help but to say nothing also seemed wrong so my heart goes out to both of you. I really hope you both find some peace. Wishing you strength and resilience
Tom

[IM55]

Hello Sag11, everyone’s life and experience is different but the trauma / grief of a recent boyfriend taking his own life when I was 17 hit me hard and the emotions stayed with me for a long while … however I became friends with a lad at uni and we were drawn so much closer when his friend also took his own life and I was able to be there for him. We were together 35 years, married for 33 years - the best friendship and love ever. Who knew that all that loss and pain could have hope.

Now I live in hope still , just to cope without my person who knew me best in the world. Having been diagnosed with a rare autoimmune condition, I became a hybrid wife /best friend / carer and we got through 7 years of a challenging medical roller coaster whilst our 2 neurodivergent teens were struggling with their emotions around all the change - he had to leave work and take priority with needs sometimes much like having a new baby.

When he was feeling good he / we made the most of life taking short trips to places on his bucket list we could manage - mainly in the uk and he encouraged me to retrain as a teacher ( I was a special needs teaching assistant while kids were young) which I did over an extended period to keep working and caring .

Just when we’d gotten to a place of contentment - kids in their 20s at uni and in good relationships and friendships and me ready for leaving my school where I’d worked for 16 years to start my first role as a fully qualified Specialist teacher our world caved in.

My beautiful Matt died of an undetected aggressive bowel cancer in a matter of weeks and I didn’t have time to breathe or consider what the future might hold, no matter how many plans we’d made or conversations about “ not making old bones”.

After 18 months in denial and throwing myself into all the “sadmin”and far too much into my new role ( 80 hour weeks+) I was still waiting for the help I’d been told was out there …the loneliness was unbearable and I stopped functioning, burnt out and had to leave teaching and start with a private grief therapy and that was the best decision!

Another year down the line and I’m a different person. It’s taken a lot of work and been a hard road with loads of bumps and many more to come. I’ve found “ continuing bonds “ grief strategy really helpful alongside work on my long standing trust and people pleasing issues - all of which Matt understood and had accepted but I’d never really faced up to.

What I’m trying to say with this long winded journey explanation is that however you’re feeling right now be hopeful that with the right support and friendships you can live alongside your bereavement. You’ll never lose love for people they’re part of developing who you are but try and love yourself too my lovely .

Sending all my love and know you’re not alone

[Anita_66]

You say that grief therapy has helped you. What is grief therapy? Is it like private consultation with a psychologist?

[IM55]

I saw a therapist who specialised in grief therapy - she also worked in end of life care situations both hospice and at home to support those dying and bereaved in addition to private clients experiencing complex grief like me.

She took me back to making a timeline of all my traumatic events and highlighting bereavements ( there have been many ) and we took time to unravel the feelings and how I had dealt with emotions/ been suppressed .

we worked through various ideas and theories around grief and there was lots of homework! It was a lot to open up but it helped me to understand also the physical impact of holding so much grief , for so long, on my body. I’m still addressing that daily but I’ve got tools and knowledge to help me do so.

I eventually got a place with a bereavement group which met for a couple of months and was a great space to explore and share experiences. But I could have done with it sooner - it just didn’t fit in with working .

I could see the therapist evenings and weekends.

I was only offered 6 weeks of CBT via my GP with a terrible counsellor who just talked about her husband’s cancer and how he’d survived! Left that after 3 weeks of torture!

Sorry to go on … as you can see the loneliness hasn’t stopped and without Matt it’s so hard still. I talk to his photos , I write him texts , notes, leave voicemails still but I also do the things he loved to do like singing , diy and gardening- all of them badly unlike him - but it makes me feel connected still.

My friends just want to think I’m over it and back to me but I’m a different me.

[Anita_66]

Thank you for sharing! I am thinking of going to a therapist. I can’t see myself going on for months on end not just with the sadness and pain but with the physical symptoms, the grief am carrying. Like you, I’d rather pay for a few good sessions than get a terrible counsellor for free. Yes I also try to do the things he would be doing at home, in the garden because I feel like am doing them with or for him

[sag11]

I’m so sorry to hear you went through a similar thing, and that you’re going through such a horrible time again, sending you my love.

thank you for this. This is what scares me because I want to feel what I felt with him again it’s the best feeling ever I just don’t see it happening with anyone apart from him.

I think these experiences although so tragic do give us extra resilience to get through what seems impossible x

[sag11]

I’m so sorry to hear these similar stories it’s heartbreaking what life puts you through. Hope you’re doing okay xx

thank you for your words. I have been looking into therapies for this because cbt and similiar talking therapies just don’t work for me from things in the past. I will look into specialist grief therapists, thank you for the suggestion. I just like to talk about him and I hate the looks I get (either pity or boredom from it being the same thing again) but he was the best years of my life and I just want to remember that and keep my love for him while learning how to move on and I think that will be a good move. Thank you again x