Lost without him

Thank you, life does seem cruel. I am taking each day as it comes, has not been three months yet, but already I feel family and friends have lost patience with me or have gone back to their own busy lives, while my life what’s left of it has been shattered. What annoys me is that people keep saying to me “your not alone”. When it comes down to it, yes I am alone. When I get back from work. I am alone. When I am laying in bed at night, still wondering what the hell has to our life, I am alone. Brian was very practical and could anything round the house. Now I have to keep asking my brother in law and I feel my sister is getting angry with me. I do try and do things for myself but some things are beyond me and then I just sit and cry and wish Brian was here. He was my rock and my strength. Just needed to say these things out loud.

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Dear Misty2012

Its so true. Friends and family also tell me I am not alone however when something goes wrong or I just need to speak to someone I am alone. They have work, they have their own lives. So many times even in the early months if I tried to call I would get a text back saying they were busy and would give me a call the next day. I would then sit the next day and wait … and wait… and wait with no call. I have stopped contacting people now, it was making me feel more abandoned. After fourteen months I still sit and cry frequently throughout the day. I do go out to see the grandsons and that amounts to my existence now. I am not and cannot go and join clubs, that’s just not me.

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Totally agree about clubs etc. but I have found this forum is a good way to get out pent up feelings. Things do get a bit better but are never.ever the same. I lost my wife 4 years tomorrow and it is still a very dark day, in fact the week leading up to her death I can remember as if watching a film. Like last night I can remember going to the hospital and she was on oxygen and didn’t come round all my visit but I just talked to her and held her hand, every now and then could feel her squeeze it. Never for a minute did I think that less than 48 hours later she would be gone (though we knew she was terminal). For me I just switched to auto pilot as I had promised her would look after her boy, my stepson even though he was in his 40’s and also our dog. She knew that with them to look after I’d be “OK” though you’re never really Ok. Things do get a bit better but it is different for from person to person, there is no road out of this and we have to take it bit by bit. This forum has definately helped as everybody on here is in the same boat and gets all the emotions that we go through.
Take care
Ken

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Dear Ken

Thank you and yes you are right this forum is a good place to be able to say what we really want to say. Unfortunately never got to say goodbye to my husband. He walked out the door that morning and never saw him again. That day will haunt me forever.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

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Hi Misty. You are right. I am 20 weeks along since losing husband Peter. Every day seems to be a bad day still. At the beginning friends and family said if you need anything let us know and we will be there for you. That soon dwindled away. The only ones here for me at the drop of a hat are my son and his wife and my neighbour. Everyone else have disappeared. I get so lonely. I dread going to bed to lie awake nearly all night, then I dread the mornings coming because there is such a long lonely day stretching ahead. I try to keep busy but there is only so much cleaning you can do. The highlight of my day is working out what to watch on tv and there is only so much I can watch. I know others are in the same boat but it doesn’t make it any better knowing that. Everyone on here has my sincere sympathy. Take care. Moira

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That must be horrendous. At least I had time to say goodbye to June. From the day she went into hospital till the day she died I was at the hospital. Some family said I needed to take a night off but as they were told I had no idea how long we had. I did take 1 night off but felt so guilty and thought about her all night, so wasn’t worth it.
This forum really has helped.
Take care Ken

Dear Ken1

Certainly the lack of goodbye adds additional pain certainly for me. I spoke to my husband three hours before the crash. He was so happy. I thought oh well he will be home soon only for everything to be taken from me and the family. The police answering his mobile, the ride in the police car to the hospital and then being told he had not survived come back to haunt me during the night. I know I will never get over this until I am back in his arms.

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Can understand your pain. At least I had time to come to terms , sort of, that June was terminal can’t imagine how you deal with having your loved one in the morning and he never returned. That’s a whole load of different feelings to deal with.
Take care
Ken

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Dear Misty
I can relate to your post so much and feel so sad and sorry for you as I feel so many emotions like yourself.
My Dear husband died 3months ago after a 3 week illness we had no idea at all he had Mesothelioma and told they couldn’t do anything for him.
So many of all your letters resonate with me he was my rock best friend and I’m lost without him. We have been married for 52 years and been together since I was 15 and he was 16.
You think I can’t go on but somehow you have to and have lovely family and friends but they aren’t my husband. We are just walking the walk and taking everything day by day.
Stay strong and wish you well and same to of of you lovely lonely people xx

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Hi misty I am so sorry for the pain you are going through I too lost my dearly beloved partner in July & I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I think we are so use to be half of something it’s just so strange on your own. I hate it I feel very vulnerable when I am out on my own. I hope you have a good support system. Thinking of you
Beth

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Thank you to everyone on here, I have gained great strength from reading other people’s posts. It’s been three months now and I still cry every night in bed. But I have found great comfort in having lots of pictures of Brian around the house and I talk to him all the time, especially when I am not sure what to do in certain situations. I got really panicky as I could not remember his voice anymore but some friends found a recording of an interview he done to help them with a project and they sent it me, it was lovely to see him again and hear his voice but very emotional. Yes I agree you do feel very vulnerable on your own, it took me weeks to pluck up the courage to walk to local shop on my own, I was always so brave and independent when Brian was alive now I just feel like an empty shell. Everyone just keep putting one foot in front of the other, baby steps. We can do this. I not saying we will ever be the same again, because I certainly won’t, but please don’t give up.

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I felt the same the other day I had a panic attack as I could not remember Rays voice but I do have a short recording of him & even though it makes me emotional I listen to it every night :pray:t2: we must be thankful that we have these as some people don’t. Yes definitely baby steps one foot in front of the other for now. How are you feeling about Christmas coming up Misty?

I am absolutely dreading it, I am torn between staying in bed all day with covers over my head, or trying to go through the motions. My husband loved Christmas so I feel I should try, he got great joy by surprising me decorating and putting tree up while I was at work. Just not sure. But I am such an emotional person anyway. I am the sort of person who cries in shops when they play Christmas carols, so bound to be a soggy mess. Have to get through his birthday first though, which is next week.

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just been reading your post re Christmas. When June my wife died just over 4 years ago it was in November and Christmas was just not on the cards. How could I be “happy” a month after I lost her? So people just got a gift card (for those we bought pressies for). That 1st year was absolute hell, June loved Christmas and loved to decorate the place but the 1st one there were no decorations just too raw and hurting. My friends totally understood that there was no way I was going to be having a happy Christmas. Think my stepson and I just went through the motions that day. Though we did talk about his mum and the fun Christmases’ we had. The next year had few decorations up but still not looking forward to it. Last year for some reason decided to go for it big time, really it was my way, kind of of celebrating June as she loved Christmas. It made me feel bit better when people I knew through dog walking said their kids loved going past my house seeing all the lights and the Elf on a shelf. I could just see Junes smile she would have loved that. Still get the feeling it was her “pushing” me to get the lights up.
Christmas I know will never be the same but have gone back to do things we used to do, ie watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” on Christmas eve. She loved that film, I’m usually in tears which she’s sitting up above laughing with me.
It does take time and as is often quoted by others there is no set time for feeling a bit better (not normal).
Honestly for yourself just cancel Christmas this year you will still be hurting too much, people will surely understand. The 1st year is truly the worst as there are all the birthdays, anniversaries and special days to get through. As somebody else said on this forum things don’t get better it just becomes our “normal”
You just need to things at your pace not somebody else’s.
Take care
Ken

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