Lost without mum

So I lost my mum back in march and I feel like I’m expected to just move on. I am so lost I dont know what to do. My days are just a daze really doing nothing. I cant motivate to change as I just feel empty. All I keep seeing is her crying and it breaks my heart. My daughter is struggling to and it hurts knowing I cant help her. We talk but it’s just not enough. I like to think I’m a proud person and find it difficult asking for help but im just so stuck and dont want to feel like this forever …

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Hi Tadpole

It’s still very early days for you. Next month it will be 2 years since my mum suddenly died. My daughter was 12 at the time and even now we get upset just talking about mum.

I did look into counselling at the school for my daughter although counselling did nothing to help me. The school counselling was to be held in groups which my daughter didn’t fancy. She now says she doesnt want it and is happy talking with her friends or being distracted by other things.

Maybe you could see what your school has to offer assuming she is at school?

Cheryl

Yes she is still at school, she is 11 and an only child so communication isn’t always the easiest. I did speak with them and they said they do things like memory books which she has and she leaves the classroom when she is tearful which is almost everyday still, then we had the issue with having to re home my mums dog which my daughter adored but we just couldnt home ourselves. She is very grown up for her age but also dont want to talk to anyone about it as she thinks it wont help . She often goes to the park after school with friends but when shesbhome it hits her again

I know. It’s an awful time. My mum lived with my daughter and I and we brought her up together.
My mum lost her 2nd mum and I felt, and still feel, so helpless in coming to terms with it all.

I fill her time with things like day trips and shopping and she has a few good friends which make her happy

It sounds like your daughter was very close to her nan as well. Does she have any cousins to talk to?
My daughter is an only child too. My sister has 3 children but they are all older than my daughter and dont really like talking about my mum as they avoid the upset I think.

I guess just time will help lessen the pain and get used to a different life. I’ve had to find childcare which has been hard as my mum did it all.

March is still just a few weeks ago. Things will get better even though it doesnt feel like it now.

Cheryl

I have a brother which I have an estranged relationship with so she has no cousins really. She was always only around adults, only school time was other children. I’m quite a lone adult. I dont talk to anyone have always been alone. Got 1 true friend which my daughter messages and opens up to. Shes just lost interest in xbox which she was always glued to before so I’m having to try an occupy her when I’m at my worst so I hold it all in. If it werent for my mother in the early years of my daughters life I imagine I wouldn’t have her at all as I found it all difficult at that time .just a tough day today

This is exactly how I feel. After the funeral Everyone around me I feel like everyone’s just getting on with there life’s no one really cares. I don’t open up to anyone never have. Sometimes I have happy days people think I’m coping well when really I’m not at all. I miss my mum everyday no one can understand the pain I feel so lost I’ve even felt suicidal and I spoke upon that with a family member which I regret and they told me that it’ll get better ? But it’s not, slowly killing me inside. I put on a fake smile EVERYDAY and I’m so tired of jt

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Yes I completely understand. I felt the same I don’t open upto people I hold everything in. Too proud to admit your crumbling whilst knowing you need some help getting out the black hole that surrounds you . I can only hope you can pull through this same as me. But the pain your feeling and the emptiness I feel it too. I expected to feel different after the funeral as everyone said that’s when it hits but I felt no different just more lost with no one around.

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I lost my mum in March too, life doesn’t make sense anymore it’s just crazy even at my age I’ve been through a lot the last thing I expected was my mum to go, even the hospital don’t have an answer to why she passed and that made me so angry but I don’t have energy to fight and battle with answers because it’s just gonna cause me more pain than ever. I have bereavement contacting me but they don’t help it’s just the same machine answers that they understand things will get better but even me stepping out my comfort zone and coming on this is a step I’m proud to make. It’s comforting to know you feel the same

Oh most definitely, I called bereavement services before the funeral and was basically told it was too early and to be honest I havent called since. I find phone calls difficult and talking to people. Everyone around me says how strong I am but I’m not I’m falling apart but they fooled by the smile so I feel I have to keep up the appearance so then I never leave my house except school runs so I dont have to constantly fake it. I’m the youngest if 3 but was the only one actually with a decent relationship with my mum the others were back to work less than a week after her passing. I’m 6 weeks in and cant bare to face anyone outside. Like I wanna crawl up in hole. I’m not too sure how these chat things work I only joined yesterday but I can really relate to how your feeling. I’m sorry it’s so hard. We will push through somehow

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And you should be proud of yourself for coming on here it’s a big step that only some people will understand. I’m definitely proud of myself for doing it as I know how stubborn I can be when it comes to dealing with EVERYTHING yourself even when you are completely broken .

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Thank you for your responses it really means a lot, we will get through this slowly but together. Although I don’t do phone calls and etc texting is a lot easier as I can hide behind a screen it’s easier to fake it and even when people ask the one thing I say is “I’m fine” because I just wanna be left amount. Ive been crying for about an hour now but just know you’ve helped someone through a part of stage in their life. Your mum would be so proud that your here sharing experiences and allowing people to have a insight that you feel the same and their not alone. Xxx

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I can text but I feel like the people around although they care I still feel some sort of expectation of normality from me. So its easier to say ‘I’m getting there’ ‘day by day’ etc. Its people like you that I needed to find who can and do understand that it’s hard and your just in a stand still. And sometimes you just cant explain how you feel it just hurts. We can get each other through just keep talking when you want . No judgements here. Were both lost by the sounds of it. You’ve helped me see the point in these chats and I feel they may help the longer I’m on them. Thank you x

I’ve had one good cry since losing mum the rest have all been little breakdowns because of letting people see how broken I really am. And I have my 11 year old which I hold alot of my feelings about mum back from as she has enough if her own to deal with I dont want her seeing her mum in a state x

I’ve had a few large breakdowns aswell. Sometimes it’s small small moments I cry but at the same time it’s mentally draining to keep crying sometimes I just wanna stop but emotions get the better of me and that’s the thing sometimes you just can’t hide emotions even if your trying to remain strong in front of people sometimes Its a good day sometimes It’s not.

This is where I know I will have my issues later on by bottling up. I just feel awful sitting next to my partner and then randomly bursting out crying. So I hold it in. Right now it’s like where in 2 different worlds . I won’t talk to him as I know he cant do anything and hes theres as much as he can be but I’m quite shut off in this time. I find it hard to laugh like it should be forbidden, which sounds crazy typing it out.

You need to open up with your partner. That’s me being real as I can be you have to have that connection in order for you to be a couple in my opinion. If you disagree I can understand that but on terms where you are at your lowest point no one can necessarily help nothing can bring what you’ve lost back into this world. But the thought of knowing that you can open up to at least your partner whom you may have a romantic interest with is very important because you guys are a team you should feel as 1 if this relationship has been on going for a long period of time. I’m not sure what stage you are in your relationship with your partner although he/she may not understand if you do decide to open up even if it’s just a little bit nothing happens in chunks. You have to take your time and you will now when the time is right. What you don’t want to happen is have an emotional uncontrollable outburst and take it out on the people you love the most. The courage you have to keep going because of the people around you, your partner should be your outbreak and release of letting someone in . It’s all about Trust everyone different of course but for me personally I can only speak from my view looking outside from in. You need to be free within yourself and comfortable enough around your partner to share these emotions not only will he be shocked at first but it’s a sense of comfortability in relation to having a partner you must feel that connection of trust and the type of person he is anyone who is going through grief it’s hard and that’s putting a smile infront of everyone

I understand what tour saying. We have been together 4 years I do have some emotional chats with him but on a day to day basis I dont . Because I try to be more uplifting where hes around so it’s not all miserable, I think he can see in me what my mood is like or how I’m feeling so he dont push to much. I’ve always found it hard to communicate with someone and let them in. It’s always been an issue of mine. So he may not get alot of my emotions but he gets the most out if me than anyone. Hes a good guy and hes always been beside me even when I havent seen it in the moment

I hear you totally, but you should never think your a burden in the aspect of if your feeling down for 3 days straight for example that’ll send miserable to him. I don’t know what guys are like I don’t date them bust what I do is that men aren’t really the best people to empathise with when it comes to emotions. Most men don’t know how to handle that they lack showing emotion as it is to them relate to it where they won’t feel like your bringing the mood down 24,a it’s an emotion it’s gonna be a rollercoaster

Yeah were similar in the emotional sense both of us are crap at showing emotions its amazes me weve come this far sometimes. I think we can read each other pretty well as when the other is down . As you said before theres good days and bad days and the good days are the days we dont discuss it. Of course it mum is still on my mind and I’m still hurt but it’s not overruled everything that day x

Yeah I hear you girl, well I hope everything settles and you feel comfortable enough to still express how you feel about your mum. Cause bottling it up will only make it Harder on yourself

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