Lost

Hi all , I guess we are all here for the same reason. I lost my beautiful strong courageous mum last Sunday 30/5/21 to lung cancer . Mums illness was 2 years long she faught so hard so many blows but she got back up time and time again the doctors were amazed by her. She had an awful last week it was like a horror she was so distressed and so was I , I stayed with her for 5 days and nights in the hospice until she let go. I just can’t deal with it I feel so numb, we were together all the time and it was bad enough to die so young (63) but the way she died will haunt me forever . I wanted a peaceful death for her as do we all but she faught the sedation and was waking up saying “help me “ help me “ :broken_heart: the doctor told me she was aware of what was going on so no all I can think of is this and how awful it was for her gasping for every breath and me not helping her . Oh god !! Life is so unfair xx

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Words fail me Ennaoj, no one will have the first clue of your trauma. Even when my wife passed away 3 months ago she had sepsis that had travelled to her brain so she had no idea. But to sit and watch helplessly, with gritted teeth in anger, and that person is pleading for help. I’m sorry but I, I, I don’t even think I could of contained my anger with the staff. What right do they have to leave someone in distress so much. Words fail me! The only consolation is YOU were there when she needed you the most.
I couldn’t even begin to grasp your absolute dispare as the world turned to darkness. The battle is hard fought as it is, especially when it’s like a street fight with cancer. My Sammy was 47 and had 8 yrs of torment, and I’m not trying to be one up or anything, just to say I do have a a little of your grief. One real regret was that Sammy was on her own and she hated being on her own. And I promised her that I would catch her no matter what, and I broke my promise to her.
If you take anything away from my rambling then at least on here everyone has their own dispare to conquer and you will get a modicum of understanding. Because unless you live with that oblivion nobody could possibly understand your unrelenting sorrow.
Prayers and hugs to you x

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Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so sorry for your loss also. Life is hard! I know in life it happens to us all but I just wish people could get a wee injection here when it all gets too much . You wouldn’t leave an animal to suffer like my poor mum and I did . The only comfort I now have is that she’s out of the torture she was in . I have tried to keep my faith throughout but the last leg of her journey has really pushed me over the edge and I’m finding it hard to believe there was any reason for that x

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Ennoaj, I had a similar farewell to my mum this year. I can only hold to the fact that she was there when I entered this world, and I was there when she left. If the tables were turned, she would be feeling as awful as me, but would never want me to go first. Our strong mums taught us well, but leave an immeasurable gaping hole in our lives. I hope my ramblings helped you know that you are not alone. I’m so sorry for your trauma and loss. X

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I hate the fact others are tortured by the way their loved ones have left this world but it does comfort me to know I have people to talk too and who can relate. I keep telling family she had a horrible last week I don’t go into detail as I don’t want them to suffer as well but it’s hard dealing with it on ur own as I can’t unsee it .

Thank you for taking the time to message me I’m sorry you had a tough time too xx

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Hi Ennaoj, listen that’s why we are on here. To help others in their grief and our own. I’ll be honest with you not so many weeks ago suicide was a welcome prospect because I had no future I could see, my life stopped abruptly as I was sucked down the rabbit hole… You don’t need to hold back your feelings and grief on here. I’m a 53 guy and I use this site to help as much as I can, just a crumb of inspiration to someone who has no other choice. Because I know that my Sammy would want me to help others and in turn help myself…
Everyone listens for you

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I hope you are out that dark hole now and if I can help
In anyway I will. I always thought I was strong and was prepared but nothing prepares you for when it actually happens . Don’t give up she wants you to be happy again and remember the good times I’m sure … xx

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I really really do wish that there was a way out for me. But at the moment it seems the its the furthest goal I can reach. So in the meantime I’ll try and help others by waffling on until they fall asleep… Bargain another win…

I think that your words do help others - they have helped me. The only reason I keep going is for our children. They may be adults but they are young adults and my husband wouldn’t want them to have any more heartbreak. Trouble is, we were a team when we supported them - I don’t know that I am enough alone but I will keep on trying.

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We can all help each other - we may not know each other but we have found each other in the darkest of days . Please if I can help anyone let me know . I’m sitting here going through letters my mum has left for me. What a woman it must have been so hard for her but always thinking of me :sparkling_heart: worried her sick leaving me ( I’m 40) but I guess il always be her wee girl ( beat pal ) xx

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Dear Ennaoj

I completely understand how you’re feeling. My mum died in our home ten years ago, fighting until the last minute, calling for her mum and dad to help her, fighting for her last breath. I was put in charge of giving her morphine, we didn’t have any professional there. I did. Did I do it right? At the right time? Enough to help her? I don’t think so. But I’ll never know. To this day, this is the most I’ve said about it in a public place. I told my partner some of it, but not the whole thing.
It’s just. Too much.
I felt responsible for the way she died for years. Cancer took her away from us, and she was strong, so strong.

I wish I could hug you. I know that your mum and my mum had to go, but my anger for how it happen will probably never really go away. In time, it hurts in a different way. Not less, but in a less sharp way. The good that you had with your mum, all that she taught you and shared with you, that will be much stronger than the grieving.

Be strong in the love you shared. These days, after losing my dad a year ago (a whole other traumatizing loss due to Covid restrictions), I tell myself their love is in me, with me, all the time. Because they made me and loved me.
The best I can do is to live my life as best I can, to make them happy.

It’s awful and unfair, yes. And we are not prepared for any of it . You’re not alone.

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Thank you so much for the reply . 10 days today and o feel so angry I hate how people are just getting on with their life I get the world still turning but twice today Iv been asked when I’m Going back to work . Seriously Iv not slept in 14 nights I can’t think straight but people expect me back at work :woman_facepalming:t2: My heads scrambled . I hope
Our mums were not aware of what was going on in the end . Like you I will keep
Going because that’s what she would have wanted but it’s Gona be hard very hard xx

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Why do we seem to think that people can go back to work after suffering such traumatic losses in this society?! I think we need to be more understanding and give people time to grieve and process things rather than expecting them to get back to ‘normal’. As if anything is ever is going to be normal again. You do what is right for you- be kind to yourself.

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I know I don’t even have a normal
Anymore . If anything it’s making me rethink all
Aspects of my life … career , romance , where I live . I will take a few months anyway and then start trying to move forward . My mum was in my life for 40 year every day more or less and my life was her this past few years I can’t just be a robot and go back to work
Because I’m not ready and would end up saying something that for me into bother … I know I’m grumpy and angry with the world
Right now I’m
Not normally like this but I’m just so mad xx

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Ennaoj my heart yearns to give you a hug. Those last memories will be very hard to get rid of for a while as I know this from my own experience of losing my own Mum last xmas. It is so so tough and like you say, unfair. I do honestly think we always want to stay in this unfair unyielding and tough human body because it’s the only thing we know for certain that exists. Your Mum is now in a much better place and will be trying to give you some support and be helping you to cope with it all as she now knows there is more after this life. I honestly believe we are just human beings with a spirit/soul and that latter part of us goes on to live in another dimension/way. This may or may not sit with you but I do know that it helps me to deal with it. My Mum was my best friend as well as my Mum and I spent so much time with her and confided in her and the loss of that is so hard to bear but I know on my better days she is helping me. On my worst days, she is somewhere close wishing she could take it all away for me. By the way, it’s ok to be mad and angry. Emotions is what helps us, holding it in will only suppress it for a while and come back to haunt you, so be angry smash a few plates let the anger out and be grumpy when you want to be and those who tell you to move on and are you better now - try to be your better self and know they are well meaning if not displaced with their reasoning. No one can replace our Mums they are so special in our lives and to lose them is soul destroying but try to think she is somewhere closer than close we just can’t see it with our human body perceptions and she will be trying her utmost to help you in this journey. That’s what it is a journey for our souls to complete and come to terms with. Blessings being sent and know you are not alone in the way you feel and it’s all so normal right now. Take care of yourself and be your own best friend - you truly need that. Hugs from Poppy.

Thank you poppy for your lovely words . My mum
Left me letters and books a memory box and loads of different things to try help me. She was the one who was ill but still thinking of me knowing how hard this would be for me when she was not here anymore she was so strong so amazing to think about me
And not herself . 2 weeks today it’s no time at all really but it feels much longer . I relived it all again this
Morning I pray their is a better life after this one. I just wish I could get a wee sign or something ( I know we all do ) nothing will ever prepare you for this EVER. I just feel so alone now It’s hard to build a new life on top of losing the most precious person to you . Thanks again and take care we will get through this somehow xxx

Ennaoj bless you I think the main thing is to not rush yourself and go with the flow and feel the feelings even though they hurt and they will always because of our love for them. It’s indescribable the hole they leave and my Mum did the same, she tried to make sure I was ok by leaving things in order and notes here and there and a memory book the same with so many memories and lovely things she had to say about me in there. We loved each other unconditionally and that is such a treasure that we had and I know for a fact that many don’t even have this in their lifetime so we are very lucky indeed to have known it. One day it won’t hurt so much to think of them I long for that day instead of the instant tears and feeling in my belly as I know you will too. Always here if you want to continue to chat. Remember to be kind to you as you would a best friend right now you are your own best friend Hugs xx

Thank you I would like to keep chatting it’s lovely how people are there for you but they don’t really get it unless it’s happened to them and we have that in common :sparkling_heart:. You are right though many people so not experience what we had and for that I will be forever thankful.

enjoy your day and talk to you soon . Xx

Hi Ennoaj yes exactly it sounds like we both had something very special with our Mums and one day it won’t hurt us as much as it’s doing now. I learned today that my first love when I was a teenager died back in February - another shock and have felt gutted since finding out. Just can’t believe it. Shock anger despair all part of the cycle we seem to be wrapped up in but we have to let the emotions surface and cry when we need to and keep on taking care of ourselves. They wouldn’t want it any other way. Always here. Hugs Poppy

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