I lost my hubby 12 months ago I was his carer for 6 years as he was seriously ill 2014 ,he was put In a induced coma which he was in for 8 weeks slowly they brought him round but with complications, so I gave up my full time work to care for him which at the beginning was good but he did detrate slowly until the pandemic hit and he couldn’t go out on his beloved mobility scooter and he went down hill as he didn’t get his exercise… he also had a fall which resulted in more medical issues …we where married for 40 years together for 43 and even though’s been 12 months I’m still feeling very lost

Oh my dear, I understand your pain. I lost my husband almost 8 months ago and it’s such a loneliness, emptiness, sadness and on and on. I have 2 widow sisters and one is completely healed and lives life to the fullest. She lost her husband 32 years ago and my other sister 12 years ago. This one sleeps more than normal hours and most of the time switches the day for the night bc she wakes up at 3 or 4 pm and goes to bed at 4 am watching TV. TV has become her escape but she travels a lot and likes to eat out with a group of widow friends. Anyway, each one of us will find a way to keep going. My family thinks that avoiding talking about my husband death is helpful and I even hear that I like to suffer bc I keep looking and searching for Luiz’s pictures. My bereavement therapist told me the more I cry and look for all his things, the better I will get in the future. Yesterday, she asked me if I cry in front of people. I answered: " not anymore" but sometime I can’t help it. She told me my body is starting to accept it but not my mind. The real struggle is to accept our husband is not alive anymore. It does make a lot of sense due to the intense presence of them in our thoughts and the way we live thinking of all those past years together. We don’t know how to be ourselves without them. And now what? I don’t know but we will need to find a way to be ourselves without their physical presence. The other thing is that we are afraid of losing them again from our constant thoughts and we don’t want to let this feeling to go away either. The other day, I went to the movie theater, literally I could see Luiz sitting by my side and making that ridiculous sound while eating popcorn. I even had the impression I said, stop Luiz and make noise when something loud is happening in the movie. Do you know what I mean? It was my first time in 31 years alone in a movie theater. It is the same of amputating a limb and you still feel itchy in that limb. How many times would I have to go to the movie theater in order not to see Luiz sitting next to me? More important, do I really want this to happen?

The bottom line is, if we don’t talk about it, cry, sob, get depressed, angry, sad, and so on, we won’t get better. We are allowed to feel and think whatever we want and this is grieving. If we try to escape all that like one of my sisters ( sleeping + TV), we won’t survive well but miserably. My oldest sister, on the other hand, exercises, works hard and she is 80, travels, helps her children and all the family; she is always on the move. That’s why we need counseling to know what is helpful and health because it could become pathological.

I am so sorry my dear I am not there yet to give you some hope but I am trying hard. Last Sunday, I went shopping and than I ate out alone. It was a huge step! I confess that I talked to Luiz while eating but my therapist said this is not madness at least for now. Going to the movie theater is easier bc you are being entertained.

Be well and go for walks! I go to work walking through a park and it’s been making wonders to me!

Thank you for sharing your story!