Lost!

I lost my lovely husband 15 weeks and four days ago to aggressive cancer which was diagnosed a few days before Christmas. Those last weeks of his life haunt me, and I question if I could have done things differently or even found a miracle cure. Stupid I know, and I know everyone has similar feelings.
The emotional pain that I know he would have been in at leaving us breaks my heart every day. I just miss him so much and I’m just so lonely, I’ve been awake since 4am turning it all over and over again in my head trying to see a way through but it’s so hard, and I know many of you out there feel the same and we have to live day by day and carry on but I feel so lost :frowning:

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Good morning Fee
So sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. I lost my 24 year old son in an accident 4 months ago so like you I am just living everyday and trying to come to terms with the fact that he is no longer with us. I used to like the quiet but now am unable to sleep or be in a room without some sort of noise otherwise thoughts about his death etc go round and round in my head so I fill it with the sound of the radiio or TV, if I do not do this it is like tortutuing myself.
I go off to sleep ok but wake up again and again in the night, I am restless and my husbands says that I am now talking in my sleep too. It is funny how one of the questions people ask you is do you sleep? Going to sleep is ok, staying asleep, not so good.
I miss my son so much life is hard and I expect you feel the same.
Take care
Janet

Hello Fee. I am so extremely sorry for your loss of your dear husband. I feel that I must respond to you even though I don’t know how to ease your pain. As you say all of us have joined this community because we have felt and do feel the same. The grief of losing a loved one can only be understood by others who have had the same loss and your grief is still so raw.
I lost my husband 18mths ago and still miss his desperately but I am just managing to sleep at night. It has helped knowing that others understand just what I am going through.
We all live with the thoughts that perhaps we could have done more but in reality we did what we thought was right at the time. As long as the people we have lost knew how much they were loved is what we must keep close to us.
I have found that someone is always here with a shoulder for you to cry on.
Take care xxx

Dear Fee,

I am sorry for your loss, As June has said all of us share the experience of grief, and each loss is individual. I can’t take away your pain but I can share with you some suggestions that were made to me and might help? It is awful being in the place you describe where you think about all the things you could have done, is there any way you could almost try to “interrupt” those thoughts, almost say to yourself I’m not going there? You know in your heart you did all you could do, so why torture yourself? Another suggestion a friend, who happens to work nights at a university hall of residence, suggested to me was to download a free app, called Words with Friends, which is basically scrabble. We play a number of games at the same time. If I’m awake in the middle of the night I check my tablet and maybe play a few games with my friend, it distracts me from thinking unhelpful thoughts, and keeps my mind occupied in a different way. I know this is not for everyone, but it is a kind of distraction. Another friend gave me a jigsaw puzzle, which I think works in the same way. Reading a good novel, or listening to an audio book might help?,

Warm wishes Taiseer

Hello Fee, I am so terribly sorry for your loss but I will be honest with you, there is no easy fix to this nightmare. When you love someone with all your heart, your world comes to an end when they are no longer with us because we have lost the future we should have had together. Even looking back at when we were young and in love with so many years facing us hurts so very much because you have no-one to say ‘do you remember this or do you remember that’ because now all you have are photographs, your music, your videos of the person you have lost. You go to bed and can’t sleep, you don’t want to get up in the morning because if you live alone, there is nothing to get up for, if you have children you have to drag yourself out of bed because they are also grieving and need their mum or dad. All I can say is that you need to take it one day at a time, it is three years for me now and I still take it one day at a time, if I have to go out for something or other I get all my clothes ready the night before and hang them up because I know for certain that when I got up the next morning I could not be bothered to do it so I would stay in, but if they are hanging there it pushes me to go out. I have not read a book since my husband died as I cannot concentrate, I don’t sit in our lounge anymore watching television as he is not there with me so I sit in our kitchen dining room and watch it on my laptop. Getting used to being on your own after many years of being a couple is very hard indeed, in fact I don’t think I will ever get used to not having my husband with me. Just know that we are all in the same position when we lose someone we love very much and we all have to get through it somehow. One of these days I might look back on our lives together, look at our photos and play our music and smile for what I had but to be truthful, the way I feel right now it will never happen because without my husband my life is no longer the life I want. You have a long way to go and the road will definitely not be easy and there is nothing we can do to make things better, we just have to live our lives the best we can and be grateful for what we had. Take care Fee, we are all here if you need to talk. Sheila xxxx

Dear Janet, I’m so sorry you have lost your son. I really do feel for you. Coming to terms with losing him in an accident at 24 must be a living nightmare. I have two sons the eldest nearly 20, he has a chronic life threatening illness which he’s had for 4 years, since he was diagnosed I worried so much and now since his dads gone the worry has worsened, not having his dad about to talk to about his illness is so hard. I think we are our worse enemies especially at night, we know we shouldn’t turn things over and over in our heads but we do. If we hadn’t of loved the ones we lost, life would have been so much easier but then that wouldn’t have made either you or I a good mum or wife.
When people stay the pain will get less how can they judge how we feel or when they say stay strong or your a strong person you’ll be ok, if they only knew how terrifying this whole world is we now live in is. Day by day, all in in our own bubble of grief.
I hope we both get some sleep tonight x

Hello, June
Thank you for your supporting words, I can’t wait to be able to sleep, when I wake I feel the blood pumping in my head.
I’m sure like you say everyone who’s on this forum live with the thoughts of doing things differently though we know we done our very best for our husbands at the time. It’s good to know this community exists for us, as people outside this grief just don’t get the raw pain we are suffering. Crying is a part of daily life now.
You take care too x

Dear Taiser
Thank you for your response, it’s good to know there’s such kind and supportive people as yourself out there, even though your all suffering this grief too.
My husbands side of the bed is now home to my iPad, kindle and magazines, I read until I fall asleep but then wake within the hour, then on off as it seems everyone on here does!
Words with Friends sounds a good idea I’ll look into it, we all now live in a different realm of existence of living with grief. I suppose eventually it will become the norm.
Best wishes x

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Dear Shelia, thank you for your response, I’m so sorry for your loss, so much of what you say I feel too, I avoid the lounge as well , just isn’t the same room without him. Being on your own and coming to terms with it makes me feel so terrified and sick, my husband was my soul mate, my best friend as no doubt yours was too. I look at couples when I’m out shopping and feel jealous, I never thought I would do that, there so lucky to have each other. I know we should be grateful that we had someone so very special in our lives and so many memories of happy times we shared but the pain of existence without them is so hard and those memories are so painful even though they are good memories. I just want him back how many times have you and others said that, life really isn’t fair, just can’t grip how he he’s gone and I have to carry on, day by day, as you know. Take care too and thank you xxx

I lost my husband six weeks ago he was my life I feel so empty and lonely I just want to be with him he was such a wonderful man I feel like my life is over I can’t eat or sleep we did every thing together

Dear Anne
I feel the same my partner of 47 years died suddenly 16 weeks
I don’t think I will ever get over the shock of that night.
I feel the same as you , I just want to be with him, I miss him so much he was the centre of my life. I fall asleep listening to talk radio but wake again within a hour or so.
I hope you find some comfort soon .
Take care of yourself. J x

Dear Fee,
How well I know that constant questioning,my lifelong partner died suddenly 16 weeks ago and all the time I think " if only’ " what if"
It sounds as if nothing could be done by the experts let alone yourself.
You may find a counsellor helps, it works for some and not for others . You can say things to a counsellor that you can’t say to family or friends for fear of upsetting them.
Like you I feel completely lost my whole life disappeared when my partner died.
Take care and I hope you find some peace of mind at this very sad time.
J x