been so so most of the day ive say down now and sudden hit me like i e run into a brick wall what did we do to deaerve thos pain i need my hisband back i need to be in his arms and feel safe again jo xx

I know how you feel, Jo. Feels like you’re ‘coping’ then the realisation of the loneliness and pain hits you hard. Sending you love xx

hi Jnyb just feel as though someone has sucked the air out of me feel absolutley crap just looking at my Darrells picture i can hear him breathing x so lonely xx jo

Yes Jo the sudden realisation is the worst thing in the world. I was looking at some photo’s today they was us on honeymoon, it seemed like yesterday. We was so excited, so in love. Both our third marriage so not a new thing for us. It wasn’t always easy but we made it work and our love grew more each year. How I wish I could tell him how good looking he was again. He only ever laughed at me he was so unassuming but oh just to hug him again. Yes, your right, there are just too many of those brick walls for my liking. The day Brian died he was at home, I was the only one with him when he went and I kept him at home all that day. I so wanted to go to wherever he had gone. I looked at his medication and thought how easy it would be. I, like you wanted to be safe and loved with him. Then people started coming and going, phone calls, e-mails and I’m still here…Having to face up to the nightmare and get on with life. We all have to do this as hard as it might be. Dig deep Jo

i keep going into the front room where he passed away and keep asking why?? none of this is real why take a good man who would do anything for anyone would give his last penny to help someone and leave nasty vile people on this earth why take someone who was loved so much and had so much love to give to us x how cruel x jo xx

How I agree with you Jo and can relate to everything you have said. My sentiments exactly. So many tributes to my Brian for his kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness. So much he still wanted to do and we was in love. So why exactly was he taken from me. No one can answer this question for us. All I can think is that God is fed up with the misfits and wanted a few good people and our loved ones was the chosen.

i think you might be right pattidot… there are alot of misfits i see walking pased my window and think should of been you i know it sounds cruel but i do xx i would do anything to hold my Darrell again x

Hi it’s Rebecca, that’s exactly how I feel, I think I’m ok and then out of nowhere it hits me, the feeling of I can’t breathe, I’m so lonely without him, we did everything together and now I’m left feeling as though I didn’t do enough to save him. This is the hardest pain I’ve ever had to go through. I’m thinking of you.

hi Rebecca the feeling of not being able to breathe and tight across the chest and pain in your neck . i dont know how long you looked after Jimmy but im sure he knew you did everything to help him and save him xx most days just want to sit in pjs nit speak to anyone and wait for Darrell to come and fetch me and take me with him most of me went with him that day this is just a shell that has nothing else left to give xx love jo xx

I too wonder if I could have done more to help Brian, but these emotions seem to be normal. I looked after his health for years after diagnosis and cared for him 24/7 single handed for the last months but still there is that fear that there was something I might have missed, like did the Doctors try hard enough for him. Now I’m going through another worry. Should I have let him suffer for so long, could I have done something about that. No matter how hard we tried to help them we will never feel as if we did the right thing.

hi Pat how are you this morning just send a quick message back to let me know you are ok please xx love jo xxx

hi pat hope you are ok x love jo

Hi Jo. I thought things were better this morning but not too good later. Going to doctors tomorrow and dread it, however I have told myself to get on with it. I loathe the medical profession but have told myself that nothing now can be as bad as seeing my Brian die and now the emptiness of not having him with me. First time in fourteen years I have seen a doctor, so not something I do very often. I’m wondering what God has in mind for me now.

hi Pat for a start well done for plucking up the courage to get an appointment you have just jump the biggest of hurdles proud of you hun xx take something of Brians with you he will be at your side … i have no faith in any healthcare professional either you ate not alone there i must be honest ive been walking around on a torn miniscus disc in my knee i couldnt have it repaired before because it takes 6 weeks healing and there was no way anyone else was going to look after my Darrell so i managed but now im struggling to walk the pain and swelling are really bad so docs are referring me to a so called specialist we will see … all your symptoms could be stress holding yourself differently i hope you go on ok ill be thinking of you … let me know how you go on xx but Brian is with you xxx sending much love jo xxx

I’m really sorry to read this thread. I understand about the “health professionals” mistakes they make and things they don’t do but should. Some have a rather high and mighty attitude but I believe we were all born the same, there are no difference we are all human. If a doctor makes a mistake you should make it known you are not happy. There were many mistakes done to my Anne but in reality I don’t think the outcome would have been any different, the poor wee soul would have passed away no matter if she did get treatment two weeks earlier. I still cant believe that a person who did no one any harm, was my carer and my lifelong friend, wife and companion is no longer here, our children and grandchildren are all struggling with out 8 year old grandson taking a mental breakdown just two weeks ago.
We see those around us that are not the best in society. When we loose such a special person I now believe that we were so lucky and blessed to have been with them, these social misfits don’t have the lovely lives we have had and I think in time we will be strong and able to look back and smile. I am not at the smiling bit as yet as Anne died on the 26th of January, the Pendulum of grief is swinging as high each way as it can right now from one sad thing to another sad thing, eventually the Pendulum will not swing so far into those deep sad and difficult thoughts, we will gradually come to terms with our situation but will never forget out loved one. It is still raw for us, myself, family and many that come here for support, a chat or just to open up and get things off our chests.
I really hope you gradually get some comfort. I’m sure we all wish this.