Loved and lost

Hello there- I found this site late last night / early morning and was in tears but having read through the stories of others, I realise that its not just about the loss, and the suffering, but the love that goes with it. We have all loved and still love those who are no longer with us in the physical life, and we long for one more hug, or touch, a glance, or even a smile…if only. My husband died from cancer shortly after I turned 50, he was my world, and he brought out the best in me…my one true love…he still is my world but I just don’t know how to connect with him anymore. We never spoke about dying as he was living with cancer…then it all unravelled with a cruel twist…his ability to talk was taken away, so a lot went unsaid, but perhaps was understood? He felt he was anandinging me…I dismissed the thought and reminded him he didn’t choose this path, but we were both on it together and we would get there. I miss him so much it still hurts. We grew up together, and as we had no kids, we spent our lives looking out for friends and family. I look back and know I was blessed to have met someone who always put others firstly, kind, caring and generous. Always with a smile and a twinkle in his eye! I hope I can continue to help others and make him proud but also feel I need some time to myself to figure out who I am now (does that seem strange?). My mum passed away this year, 11 months after my husband passed - it’s been tough, but a relief for her in the end. She’s had to go through so much but she carried herself with dignity to the end. Now I know I really have to (should) move (country) to get back home to friends and family, but hate the thoughts of leaving as all our memories are here. I feel lost and alone, scared, still waiting for him to help me make decisions and to help me get everything organised, including finding permanent employment. I have to believe that the love we shared will get me through this (moving country, home, job). I’m sorry for going on, I’ve never done this before, never had to I guess…and the one person I’d turn to is not going to walk through the front door! Thank you for being there to listen! I know how much you are all hurting, and the stronger the love, the harder the loss…With love and best wishes to you all…xx

1 Like

Hi Beloved,

Your story sounds so much like mine. I had just turned 50; married to a wonderful man with a twinkle in his eye. It appeared that his cancer could be cured, but then it raced through him suddenly. I am so sorry, Beloved. You are certainly right that it’s not just about the physical death, but the million losses that go with that.

I completely relate to the anxieties about the future, and not having your man by to advise you. I hope you don’t give yourself too much pressure - one step at a time, and there are no “shoulds” - you will move, if you do, when you are good and ready.

No, he didn’t choose this path, and yes, you were both on it together. It helps me sometimes to remind myself that Ken (my husband) is still on this path with me - his death did not end our journey together, even though the shape that journey has taken is heartbreakingly different than what we had anticipated.

I wonder what would help you feel and sustain your connection to him, Beloved? Would talking to him help? There is a terrific website called After Talk where you can write letters to your loved one. Your husband died, but your relationship with him didn’t - even though the physical absence is so excruciating.

I’ve been a member of this forum for just two weeks, and have found it so gentle and supportive. I hope you’ll feel very okay to post when you need to.

Take the best care, hon - this is such a massive wound, isn’t it? And it’s rough that you don’t have a mum to turn to.

Louise xo

Hello. Mrs Plummer speaks a lot of sense. Listen to her. This forum has given so many of us support and comfort. You are not alone. Don’t make any decisions in haste but do what you feel is right for you. I talk to my husband all the time and I also write a journal to him telling him all sorts of things and of course how much I love and miss him. I am surrounded by photos of him in every room so I see his beautiful face at every turn. I am so sorry for your loss of both your husband and your mum. I lost my husband and brother last year. My brother had pancreatic cancer and died a horrible, painful death and my husband died very suddenly 6 months later from heart attack. No warning. My husband was a very fit and healthy man. Everyone on this site will understand something of what you’re going through. Even though our grief is unique, it’s almost a relief to find a lot of what we’re feeling is felt by others. We all have a long, hard journey to travel. Sending love and hugs. Xxx

Mrs Plummer and crazy Kate are completely right beloved . Just take it one step at a time and post on here when you are muddled up which I am quite often . People have been incredibly nice and supportive and they really understand how difficult this whole situation is . Sending you big hugs . Romy xxxx

Hi to you all
I am truly sorry that we are all on this journey I am 54 I got married to my husband when I was 16 I meet him when I was 14 we had 36 years of an amazing loving life and like you all my husband was a gentle loving caring man with the most amazing smile and beautiful blue eyes .
It is not as you say just the loss of the person it’s everything that is also lost I talk to my husband everyday and have photos of him round the house when I’m with our kids who are all adults now we talk laugh and cry about the memories off there dad and my sweetheart big hugs to you all .

Hi Beloved,
I lost my husband to cancer 8 months ago, and like you we had no children. He had treatment, was in remission for a year, then it came back and claimed him. Although we had had bereavement counselling for about a year before he died to prepare me for his death, I have found it incredibly difficult to adjust to life without him. I go to his resting place every week, change his flowers and talk to him. I talk to his photograph at home too, and I find this incredibly comforting. I am fortunate that I still have my mum, but I lost my dad about 6 months before my husband. I have days when the grief wave hits me, and days when I don’t feel too bad. It is not just your husband that you mourn, but the loss of a whole way of life as well xxx
Take care, Jayne xxx

Thank you so much for your advice and for sharing your story- I’m so sorry for your loss but so grateful for knowing that you feel you are still on your journey together.
From a personal perspective, I felt our journey together was over when his time came to take leave of this world. I still will look to him for guidance, but it’s more about me than us, which is probably why I feel so alone. I’ve decided to change my way of thinking as I realise maybe when he said he felt bad about abandoning me, he may also have been afraid of feeling abandoned himself? If I take him with me on this new journey, maybe I can reconnect in some way. I know someone is looking out for me, and he had such a strong presence that I really thought I would know and feel when he was with me. Honestly, maybe sub consciously I have blocked him out, as I keep tight control over my emotions. I talk about him all the time and feel others must think I’m cold as I don’t get emotionally involved in my own words. But in private, it can hit like a ton of bricks. Then it comes out, sometimes I don’t even go outside the door for a few days, even for food, then I pull myself back and carry on. As I’m so far away from everyone, no one knows.
Thank you for the details of the website ‘After Life’ - I will check it out to see if it might help. I feel your Ken is helping you to help others even today, a reflection of him is in your kindness towards others on this forum, including me…and thank you for that! Big hugs xx