Making decisions

My husband died suddenly at the end of September. He had been ill for a while and was going to need constant care, which scared me as I didn’t think I would be capable of doing it. Think my initial feeling when he died was relief that he wouldn’t be suffering and that I wouldn’t have to be his carer. My biggest problem is I no longer want to go to my job of 25 years and foolishly (I think) am looking for another job at the age of 63. I don’t have my husband to discuss this with and just think my decision is ridiculous as I will have to learn a new job, giving up the one I know back to front. I just don’t want to do anything is the honest truth, just sit here and grieve, but finances are tight unfortunately. Has anyone else made rash decisions when they are in these circumstances and deeply regretted it. Have been thinking I am not thinking straight and shouldn’t be making any decisions at the moment.

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Hello, how about giving it until the end of the year and see how you feel then?

I think you know it’s not a wise idea at the moment and just need some confirmation of that? I too feel that I run decisions past others, I think we lose our confidence when we lose our husbands, it certainly happened to me.


@Lbase60 so sorry for your loss. But it is early days . Many of us who are bereaved sometimes think we will move on by changing where we live or our job. But the real changes we have to face are inside of us and are driven by the enormous burden of grief put upon us. Changing jobs is yet another big shock to face when you be at your most vulnerable emotionally and physically. I too would advise to take time for grief first. Be kind to yourself. XX


I think I know the right thing to do is to wait, think I am just surprised how long grieving lasts for and think others don’t understand how it can last such a long time. Thank you

I feel I am no longer the same person and thought if I walked away from 25 years in the same job I would be able to start afresh and everything would get back to normal. I know that’s not the case now. Sat here in tears this afternoon and asked myself what the hell I thought I was trying to do Thank you

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@Lbase60 None of us are the same as we were before we lost our loved ones. I could never have imagined the terrible pain I have been through and am still suffering since I lost my beautiful wife in October. Look after yourself one day at a time. Big hugs.


It is painful, lonely and all sorts of emotions put together. I was so strong when he died and gave him a wonderful send off. I think people thought I had coped and it was over. The immense grief I am feeling now is overwhelming. Big hugs to you too x

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What a wise answer @Mike75
Gives us all something to think about. Thanks.

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I think that you need to go back to your existing job first then see how you feel after a few months .
Indications are Do not make any decisions until six months after your loss . There’s lots of emotions etc and maybe just go with the flow see how you feel first .
What you don’t want to do is complete change only to realise later bad decision?
I have been thinking same but concluded go back to my job give it a go for few months then assess analyse how I feel when I more in tune with what I actually need want ? If that makes sense .
I don’t want to add any extra stress change at time I feeling vulnerable not sure etc

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Thanks Ferne, everything you say makes sense. I have been back a couple of times, lasted 4 days the first time and 2 weeks the 2nd time. Just don’t seem to be able to take anything in and have always been a very conscientious worker. Don’t like the feeling of not being in control of what I’m doing! Still got 3 weeks signed off so hopefully can get my head sorted x

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Remember that you need to focus on yourself at the moment .
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself and see how you are in few weeks. Also request phased return to help .
Take care


My husband died suddenly at the Sports Centre where I had worked for 26 years in September 2021. I resigned from my job which I enjoyed and knew inside out. I’d intended working there until retirement age or beyond. Since then I’ve had 3 jobs, which haven’t worked out. On the job hunt again now.

I have several health issues and at 62 have not found starting again easy. I’d say the best thing to do would be to give yourself time. It’s still very early days for you x

Thank you for your time replying. I am the same age as you and am actually wondering now why I want to be searching for an ideal job at my age! It is early days and I am finding things so difficult without hubby to discuss things with. I’m considering contacting my boss, who has said he will try to do anything to help, and ask if I can work reduced hours. That way I will still have some time for myself xx

Maybe negotiate reduced hours to return on phased return see how you go then ask for reduced hours .
Best maybe to stay in current employment for now as you may regret moving to another job at the moment .

Take care x

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People say - don’t make any rash decisions for a year.
I went crazy selling my wife’s bike, walking shoes, cycle gear etc and I regret it. So I’ve now stopped. I can’t look in her wardrobe or her draw and keep thinking I need to get them sorted / but I don’t need to do anything at all. Let’s do it when we’re ready ( whatever iT is) and let’s be kind to ourselves and take as long as we want over decisions we make.
I’ve stopped thinking I need to sort things in fear of regretting it.

Love and peace x


Wise words @Junojac thank you, xxx

I got rid of my husband’s grotty shoes that wer falling apart because I hated him wearing them. Kept nice ones and will wear them.
I got rid of his pills and used his old top to clean car. Squoshed his clothes in one half his wardrobe and made a stuffed body with his old clothes to use as a scarecrow at the allotment later on. Before then use it as a bolster. Quirky who cares no one to tell me off. Do what I like. My son tried on coats. He was buried in some of them. Want to use his tools. Use anything useful. Treasurer certain things and sort through stuff when I feel like it.

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My husband would have thought it hilarious if we used his clothes for a scarecrow. :joy::+1:

Yes my husband would not have card either abd made some joke about it. But my son would disapprove so just would not say what stuffed with. Rollup a white shirt in a ball and stick a wig on it and an old one if my hats as he wouldn’t wear a hat. My grandsons wouldn’t care either.