Making important decisions alone.

Hello everyone.

I hope that whatever and whenever your loss, today turns out to be a bearable day for you.

I just wondered if anyone out there may have had the same experience as I’m now having and how you all might have managed and whether you would be kind enough to share your experience as I know there is no right or wrong and that really, nobody can advise me which is part of my struggle.

I lost my lovely mum at Christmas after caring for her for nearly two years. We lived together and were very close as both of us are only children and we lost my Dad 15 years ago. Mum was 89 when she died.

Like all of you, I’ve been devastated at her loss even though I knew it was coming, she had grown so very frail over the last two years.

As mum grew more frail, ( which was all during lockdown and thankfully, I was working from home so I was very grateful for that time to be able to be with her ), I had alot of time to think what I would eventually do when the time came that I was alone.

To cut a long story short, I decided ( and discussed with mum too ), that I would try to make a fresh start and move home. I also knew that I wanted to reduce my working hours to help me heal a bit ( I had a very busy job ), and so I could devote a bit of time to my own life and to my two little dogs whose company I’m so very grateful for.

After mum died, I put our house on the market ( we haven’t lived here long so not any good memories sadly ) and I looked at various places on line around the country where the properties I might buy were. My home sold very quickly and I’d found a property and the conveyancing process started. Another lady whom I didn’t know but met who also plans to move there has contacted me regularly and has had her papers through before mine. She too is a single lady now on her own after loosing her husband some years ago. A couple of weeks ago, I started to worry whether I was doing the right thing. I do most definitely want to move and as my own home need some work, I decided that the costs of moving where in fact cheaper than staying but of course I know my way round here. Importantly, I’ve a good vet and a good doggy groomer and I’d thought I could go part time in my work.

My request for reducing my hours were refused and so I gave in my notice planning to find part time work after I moved. Then, the lady I was speaking with started to share content of her conveyancing papers and a number of worries she had about them. If I’m honest, I think I was beginning to have odd feelings about it all and she just cemented them and ‘ gave me ‘ he worries really. Once she had done that she decided she was doing the right thing and is now progressing.

For me, I’ve become like a rabbit in the headlights now. I know, if I could move locally ( affordability of property wise ), I would stay. I would just change property if you see what I mean. But that’s not an option price wise unless I buy something that needs money spent and that I don’t have especially now I have to find another job.

I have to make a decision now as to what to do. I keep praying that I’ll suddenly have a lightbulb moment and the way forward will be crystal clear but deep down, I don’t think that moment will come.

I just wonder how you all coped with making important decisions when you’ve lost a much loved confidante but when you are also trying hard to make changes for your future life without that person when really, all you want ( apart from peace in the world right now ), is that person back and your life to be as it was years ago.

So sorry for such a long and seemingly silly story and thank you for taking time to read it.

Take care everyone.

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Hi Paula, to me you sound very brave, ok they recommend you wait awhile before making important decisions but that’s a bit late for you. I personally think you have to go with your gut instinct and see we’re it takes you.
I had to purchase a new car which on the face of it should have been simply but it’s making the decision on your own and not wanting to be taken in by was stressful at a time I was already stressed after losing my soulmate.
I do hope you find a nice job that will help to give you courage and improve your self esteem.
You have been through a lot and life is not easy when we are on our own. Take care and I hope there’s see your post and give you strength to make the right decision. S xx

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Hello Susie,

Thanks so much for replying to me. I quite imagine how it felt to try to buy a car too. That’s exactly the sort of thing that’s tough isn’t it?
At the moment, I don’t even know from day to day what my gut instinct is. It’s almost like so don’t trust anything and really, I can’t see that being different in the future which is why I fear I’ll just ‘ get stuck ‘ if that makes sense. Maybe that’s what they say don’t make any decisions for at least a year, I’m not sure. I just can’t see me being any different after 1, 2, 3 years or more.
I guess I feel a bit rudderless too leaving my job yet I also felt unable to be part of it all. I felt and still feel my concentration and a ability to keep up with things is so poor. I seem to have to do everything in slow motion once mums funeral was over. It feels like I get worse each day rather than better but I guess still very early days.
Wishing you all the very best.

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In today’s world we think that everything should be done at express speed and today not tomorrow but grief doesn’t work like that. Unfortunately when it happens to us, it’s so unknown because we don’t talk about death or grief. Honestly it will get better but you also to work at doing little things so we don’t get stuck. It’s hard but it does make you a stronger person, just do small things and be proud of yourself, give yourself time. Unfortunately life doesn’t stop and we can’t allow our selves to stop. Look after yourself S xx

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Hi Paula

I don’t really post on here any more but I just read your post and I wanted to let you know how much I can empathise with your situation. It really is early days for you and I think you are so brave to sell up/look for a new job etc.

My mum died in November 2020 and was 93. Like you I am an only child. I have no children. I lived with my mum for years. Dad died 33 years ago when I was 29.

It does get easier but just now I was sat here having a bit of a weep because I am trying to get some refurbishing work on a 1970s extension and I don’t know quite what to do about it., having had different advice from 2 different builders (both reputable locals),. Making decisions on your own is indeed difficult.

My house needs quite a bit of work doing too but to be honest I don’t think I could afford to move or face it. Mum and I lived here for a long time so for me there are lots of good memories as well as the not so good ones.

Sorry I can’t offer any advice on decision making but I just wanted to wish you well and hope it all works out for you. I’m sure it will.


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Wise words Susie, thank you.
Take care of yourself too. :two_hearts:

Hello Caroline.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
I’m so pleased that you have some good memories to draw on. I’m lucky too as I have many but they seem so long ago even though they aren’t really.
I can really empathise with your trying to decide what to do when two different people have advised you differently. That’s what I find, it rather like being a rabbit stunned by headlights and as the rest of the world goes on a pace, I seem to be walking in a different realm, and trying to make decisions on things accordingly. Filling in an application for fills me with horror but I’m going to have to soon.
Well, I hope you are happy with whatever you decide on your extension and I wish you many more good days than sad ones.
Take care.
Paula. :cherry_blossom:

Thank you Paula.

Hope it all goes well for you. I’m feeling more positive today.

All the best.

Pleased you have had a better day today……and hope the sun shines for you tomorrow too :sun_with_face:

Thanks. You too.