Mam was the love of my life. We only had each other - no other siblings, children, husband and we lived together. Dad passed 28 years ago. She died end of January from ovarian cancer. Struggling more with the loss of her with every day. Please help.
My mum passed suddenly 4 weeks ago. We had her funeral on Wednesday. She was my best friend and confidant. I didn’t live with her as I have 2 children. Husband left 2 years ago and it has been my mum who has helped me through it. I’ve never felt so lost, alone, hopeless or heartbroken as I do right now. If you need to talk then I’m here. Maybe we can help each other xxx
I can relate totally with your situation so can empathise with the loneliness and total lack of routine etc.
It’s so raw at the moment and unfortunately remember how I felt in the first few days/weeks…numb, lost, lonely and black but take it one second at a time and don’t expect too much from yourself just now and be kind to yourself x
Do you have any close friends or relatives at all that you can turn to when you need to talk? x do you have any pets that help you keep some form of routine?
Thinking of you
Thank you so much for replying. I am so terribly sorry about your mum.
What you describe is how I feel and am sending you a massive virtual hug as I am also in hell. I hope we can help each other. It sounds as if you loved your mum as I did/do mine. I’ve come to the conclusion that not everyone loves equally.
What happened to your beloved mum? If you want to tell me.
Mine was the centre of my universe - I loved her so very much. Her name was Olive, she was 85 (and if another person tells me 'she had a good innings/great age…forever wouldn’t have been long enough). She died of ovarian cancer, in hospital, no room at hospice, where I live not covered by Marie Curie/Macmillan nurses at home, couldn’t control her pain and other distressing symptoms at home. Took her into hospital on January 10th - neither of us thought she would never come out.
She died in great pain on January 24th. She was the bravest woman I’ve ever known. The palliative care let her down. I was only allowed to see her 2 hours a day the last three days of her life, having spent a week sleeping on a trolley next to her until then - then an auxiliary nurse complained because she hadn’t been allowed to see her mum in hospital (who lived) and had an unprofessional meltdown in front of Mam and me. To cover it up, the Matron told consultant that I really need rest and should only come in at visiting hours. Mam tried messaging me in the night to say how much pain she was in 2 nights before she died - had I been with her, I could have got help. But I was 1 mile away in a Premier Inn, no phone or mobile signal in the night. I think that in being parted, she gave up that weekend. We’d not been apart at all in 2.5 years.
She was a secondary school teacher (Welsh until A level) for 30 years, then did supply until she taught her last lesson at 75. Her brain was razor sharp until the last weekend - she had tumours everywhere, I think the cancer may have reached her brain. No cancer in our family. She was just very unlucky. Never smoked, hardly drank alcohol.
Today is six weeks since her funeral - she was buried the same day as my father, February 4th, he died in 1994 and I adored him too. They adored each other (married 27 years, he was 15 years older) so it seemed fitting that they should join each other the same day. Mam was Welsh, Dad was Dutch, so I’m a hybrid.
I divorced years ago, couldn’t have children, only child - so was Mam - have family in the Netherlands I haven’t seen for years but in contact via FB. Friends have been truly wonderful.
But the goneness of her is overwhelming. I looked after her as if she was my child, did everything with her. We’d travelled a lot together. I enjoyed buying her clothes, make up and taking her out for nice meals and she was always so appreciative of everything she saw and did because she was so intelligent and loving. She went without a lot when I was growing up so that I had the best of everything.
I’ve been told that I am totally, totally wrong by doctors but I feel I killed her by saying yes to an additional shot of morphine - she’d been refusing, despite her great pain as an act of protest because I was only allowed to be with her a few hours the last days, she was feisty to the last. She died within a minute of having it. I didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye properly, only to tell her repeatedly how much I loved her, hugging her as her pulse stopped.
The wildfire way her cancer spread within weeks meant she was too late and too frail for chemo. We knew she was inoperable 2 years before due to severe carotid stenosis, warned that a hysterectomy would probably cause her to have an unrecoverable stroke during it. I’d taken her to Harley St in London in 2020, the consultant took her on England NHS. In between lockdowns, she was monitored via CT/MRI scans and bloods in London. Wales wouldn’t do it (money. Too old.)Tumours looked benign. Then, in October 2021, they weren’t. Still too risky to do a biopsy in case it spread.
We’ve known, right through the Covid hell, that we could be on borrowed time. So we did everything we possibly could together - managed to take her on a cruise in September (she loved those) and to her last opera in December - but the memories I will cherish the most is drives, listening to CD’s of Winnie the Pooh and The Wind in the Willows, both of us chanting along, knowing every word, and picnics. For two years, I’ve been trying to imprint her on my memory, in case the edge of the cliff was near.
I’ve just received a letter from her London gynaecologist - that I did everything possible, that my care was exemplary and that a low grade cancer can suddenly erupt. He’s world famous. It’s little comfort because she’s gone.
Been sleeping in her bed, wearing the nightdress she died in (I have washed it, of course), clutching 2 teddy bears we loved and her blanket - I’m 53, but feel 5. My birthday was 3 weeks ago.
In writing like this, at such length, I hope it gives you an idea of who she was and who I am. Completely heartbroken but wanting to help anyone who feels as I do.
Sending you much love and strength,
My mum suffered with anxiety and panic attacks. She got really anxious about covid as she had copd. She was having a bit of a bad time with anxiety and panics. This was what we all thought it was. Her copd had not really affected her so far. She wasn’t great the weekend before but kept telling me she was panicking and getting breathless with it. I didn’t think it was anything else. My sister saw her the day she died and she told my sister she didn’t feel unwell just panicky. I should of gone to her. I should of call the doctor sooner. I called the doctor in the afternoon as I couldn’t get hold of her but she said she wanted to sleep as she wasn’t sleeping well. My sister went to meet the doctor to let him in in case she was asleep. He checked her blood pressure and pulse and said both were fine. Then he sat her up to check her chest and then said she’d need to go to hospital. She said no and went just like that. Literally before he had sat her back down. Thankfully my sister was there. By the time the ambulance came and they got her pulse back she had been gone for 2 long. She was on life support for 3 days. But they said there was no brain function. This happened on Valentine’s Day. She said she was wheezy. I should of known. She was my best friend. My husband left 2 years then lockdown happened and we would talk every night. And message all through the day. My dad left 15 years ago so she was on her own too but happily so. I could of and should of done more and known. I don’t know how to face life without her. I exist for my children xxx
Oh my God - I’m so sorry. That must be so very traumatic for you. The suddenness and the life support machine - you couldn’t have done any more than you did nor your sister. Even the GP thought she was alright at first. I am thinking of you. I’m glad you have your children and sister - I have no one. I’m literally on my own and miss my mum so terribly. Xxx