I am finding the loneliness very hard to process and manage…i say, i am a highly functioning, on the face of it. But its all show…i just find i deliver what people need to see and feel from me, to make it easier for them.
I have lovely elderly parents which i am so grateful for. Daughter and grandkids whom i love dearly… people i know who love me…yet, as time goes on, i am finding it harder and harder, to deal with the internal pain, anguish and loss of my husband …i feel i am more desperate in myself. Its like having a physical illness…i am consummed on so many layers, i am told i have complexed grief, have had therapy for p.t.s.d…i dislike me so much… i question why i should try so hard to keep sane, when i clearly in my minds eye , will never, ever, be able to accept and make a meaningful life without Simon. Its not from the want of trying, keeping healthy, busy, and engaging with anything i can.
It is the realistic inevitable life of my heartfelt love, never being by my side again. That i can not accept…
Simon was truly the love of your life.
He was a very lucky man.
You were a very lucky woman.
He will always be looking over you.
Hello @Elvispresley69
I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you show in your message. I understand about the face we put on for family and friends because it feels we need to, like you say to protect them from how much we are hurting. I’m exactly like you, with family friends I communicate but I really don’t want to, all I want is my Marti, I want to talk, laugh and hug him like we always did. As soon as I wake up I’m crying for him, I want him back, I feel absolutely powerless, weak, scared in my mind that I cant go on without him. I keep busy and am trying to build other interests in my life, but its hard ,I’m tired physically and mentally, I dont want to do any of this because its not with my Marti, he was my world, I’m lost without him. Are you still having therapy for PTSD? You say you dislike yourself, I dont know why as you sound a caring person who loves her family and they love you.
I often tell myself we grieve for the rest of our life because we loved someone so special, we gradually think of all the lovely memories we had with our loved one and hold on tight to them. This past week I have had a few moments where I smiled at something my Marti did, whereas before memories were too painful and I’d blot them out and just cry. I see a counsellor, I can offload to her how sad I feel, I cant talk to my family like I do with her. I’ve rung the samaritans too when I’m in despair. Its a long tough journey a journey none of us want to be on.
Amy x
I also wonder in grief are we going to make ourselves fit in the social norm that won’t cause inconvenience to others? Or should I just shout and curse and be the real me that tell whatever in control that taking my love one away is plain wrong? Should I let people know the love we once had was so great that it is impossible I would get over the grief when it is lost?
Thank you guy’s, all what you say is true.
Sometimes its just cathartic to say how you feel out loud, we carry everything so deep and also on the surface, Know thats is a contradiction , but it is how it is…just
Sharing all that anguish helps…
I too keep going for a few days at a time to try and do the usual things that we should do but the reality is that it’s just another few days I’ve got through, not a life that I want. I think I am just waiting for him still - 4 months on. Even the things that had meaning before don’t now. I have been back at work part time this week and find I am not sleeping already. I don’t know that I can do this without him. I don’t have any motivation to do this without him.