memories of Brixham , torturing myself

woke up a 5am.went on google maps entered Brixham in the search bar.
seeing the streets around Brixham,Jayne drove us around and I know all the roads leading around the house we stayed in several time.when we holidayed here.we stayed at 9 pump street.a beautiful upside down house.A little garage that the car just about fitted in.a side door from the garage led into the hall.a down stairs laundry room and stairs leading up to 2 bedrooms one with en suit the other next to the family bathroom.then stairs leading up to the open plan lounge dining room kitchen.my memory picturing me making Jayne me some breakfast ,egg bacon sausage beans tomatoes and toast.we could not of been happier.me wishing I could turn the clock back to one of the times we spent relaxing together.I just want to be with Jayne.

I have happy memories of our holidays in Mallorca.Rob loved going there and seeing all our friends and making new ones.He was larger than life especially the great comments about his vivid Hawaiian shirts!He hired an electric wheelchair to make things easier for me and after breakfast,we would tootle into Palma Nova,feed the fish,have a couple of coffees and just enjoy the sun.On our last holiday,he had stomach pains and a really bad cough.He hardly ate or drank anything.That set of the alarm bells for me.We came home but he wouldn’t see a doctor so I called an ambulance.That was the last time he saw his home.He died two weeks later.So when I want happy thoughts,I picture us on that balcony looking out to sea.It helps a little bit. Jill x

I’ve just been talking to a friend we made on our first visit to Cuba in 2000, we always met up with him and his lovely Cuban family each time we visited this beautiful island. having been many times it feels like one of our second homes, the other being Bali, I couldn’t envisage visiting either island again, yet with the events this weekend at the Rod Stewart concert, I now feel I could take that step and go to visit the places we loved and the people we made friends with. I’m certainly not ready to go back.to Grenada, as much as I.love the island and the people, it was there he was bitten by the spider which caused problems with his kidneys and immune system. nor can I revisit Jamaica montego bay was his dream, I made it happen by saving for 2 years then booking the three week holiday 2 years in advance (could do that then) for our silver wedding anniversary in 1993, I need to he much braver for that trip. I’m hoping to travel up to York soon, another favourite haunt. but we shall see, although I feel I’ve been given extra strength and direction I am still taking each day one step.at a time

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen☆

Much food for thought there,Jen but the last holiday we had was the last for him,only 6 weeks ago.It seems a lifetime ago.Maybe in years to come,I can revisit places.Thanks

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Dear Jen,
I spent many a holiday with my husband and children, every year in beautiful Scarborough. My mum and dad came too and we had good laughs our son and his partner is accompanying me to Scarborough in the Spring, together with our daughter. I hope I can cope with the experience, after all it is only 16 weeks, this week, since my husband passed away. Thoughts welcome please. MaryL

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As the time gets nearer you might panic about going.There are so many places we visited.At the moment,I’m finding it a struggle just going to the local shops!Maybe you can look at it as the beginning of your healing.Love Jill💐

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Thank you, Jill. x

we always go to Blackpool for new year, I went last year, a little reluctant but knew I’d be ok because the friends we meet up with every year promised they’d look after me and not let me be alone. it was difficult, I.dont mind saying, I cried buckets as I walked into our regular room, cried everytime a guest asked where Alan was, I held it together, enjoyed myself a little, felt like a fish out of water, but when it came to auld lang syne, all I could hear above the noise were women shouting… wheres my husband, where’s my husband, I need to be next to my husband … with that I fled the room and sat in the sun lounge where there was just one lady on the phone… I broke my heart. myst have been there 10 minutes or so, then one of my friends came looking for me and we just sat there talking for over half an hour, without our dear friends I could never have coped with the festivities.

some of the hotel staff knew because I had called in a couple of months earlier to check out the single and double rooms, ended up booking a double for this year, thinking that if one of my friends were on their own they could come with me. anyway my mum is coming this year, she’s much more mobile now she’s had her hip done.

it was hard, but I did it, had I not, it would be doubly hard this year, and ud only be sat at home on my own in complete despair and weeping buckets and buckets.

so whilst doing things you’ve always done seems hard to do now, do one thing at a time , that’s what I’m doing. I’ve started watching programmes we watched together, still can’t watch some but I’m getting there, it’s all about doing the things you enjoyed together one at a time and only when you feel ready to cope with it.

hope today was an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen ☆

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Jen, you poor poor lass,

You were very brave to go at such an emotional time of the year, good for you.

Blessings to you, Jen,

MaryL

thank you for your kind words, it was something I had to do, the main reason I went was because my birthday is New Years Eve and last year was the first time I had spent it without Alan since he took my out for my 16th.

Jen☆

You are very welcome, Jen, I remember Stan taking me out to a very posh place on my 20th birthday. He couldn’t really afford it, bless him, he was always so kind and generous. Take care.
Best Wishes,
MaryL

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yes, know what you mean, Alan was still an apprentice when we met, even when we married, but we were happy with our lot because we were happy with each other, and remained so, barring the few ‘affectionate hugs by the throat’ as i used to call our disagreements, also referred to him affectionately as my ‘insignificant other’ our friends used to laugh at that. having a mixed day up to press, subdued, a little sad, not really unhappy, beginning to count some of my blessings, perhaps a little forlorn.

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen☆